october journal, entry {three}

I'm sort of avoiding this today as I do not really know what I should (there's that damn should word again) write about; I mean how can I have value every-single-day for you amazing humans who so wonderfully grace my blog? (by the way: THANK YOU for being here!!!!) Oh right, its not about the 'value', it's a friggen journal. 

Ok then, here I go... to talk about ... well, kori stuff, just like I would in my paper journal.

I'm exhausted these days to be honest; I feel like I could sleep for all of the hours of all of the days. I am struggling to get out of bed, I am napping in the afternoon and I feel so pooped as each day passes by. Perhaps it's the season -- it is autumn after all and everything is dying and getting cooler and slowing down. Perhaps it's my approaching moon blood, which should arrive here any day now -- she always knocks me into a place of slow-introverted-weepy'ness (which I struggle to surrender too each and every month) Regardless of what it is, I have to fight the harsh and strong voice in my head that tells me that 'I should get up earlier', 'I should get more done' and that 'naps are for lazy people'.

I mean for god's sakes, I made a plan to do yoga daily for the month of October -- I have gone once -- it's the sixth of the month. 

Ego says: "FAIL".

I also planned to run stairs a few times a week, at least with my bootcampers. I haven't run those stairs in three weeks - what kind of fitness teacher am I?

Ego says: "FAIL."

You know what I have learned about you Ego? You have no fucking clue what is good for me, you just want to make me feel like shit all of the time -- I hear you nagging in my ears constantly, I see you do it to all the people I love also -- we all have this obnoxious asshole voice trying to dominate our lives. So for right now I am choosing to send you to the basement for a time out and you can stay there until I am ready to speak to you again; I'm locking the door. 

So, my alarm went off at 5am today specifically so that I could do my blogging and start my morning with a walk and a coffee and writing and all the autumn magic I could think of before I had my first client at 8:30am (this was all a good idea when I got home at 10:15pm from school feeling inspired and high from a fun class). The alarm went off and I checked in with myself and the truth is that I needed sleep more than I needed a magical morning walk. I did not run stairs last night with my bootcampers either becasue the truth is, I'm tired and it feels so unnatural. 

I find honouring where I am at to be so hard at times as my mind always tells me that I aught to be somewhere else: more social, more softness, more extroversion, more love, more productivity. This ego loves to place unattainable rules of perfectionism that I will never ever be able to reach -- busting through these walls has been a huge amount of work for me. But what I am learning to be an undeniable truth about who I am is that what I need changes from moment to moment. Alot of the time I need human interaction but there are times when I just need to curl up on the couch -- alone -- and cry, or sleep, or just be by myself. 

I never used to function like this; I used to be a strict version of Kori and she used to have only one rigid set of 'life-rules'. She was: fit, extroverted, driven and goal oriented, independent and didn't need to lean on anyone. Oh, and she saw the glass as half full -- all the time. 

That Kori was a mess because she was injured all of the time becasue she didn't know when to allow her body to slow the fuck down; she didn't know when to stop. The only way she would back off and slow down was once severe injury had set in.

She didn't know the value of solo time becasue she was so busy surrounding herself with all of the people and alas had forgotten to take the time to get to know self.

She was driven and goal oriented and had no idea how to do the "mundande" self-care (like art, sitting in silence, meditation, etc.) becasue it 'seemed pointless'; she wanted to know WHY and WHERE IS THIS GOING TO GET ME? That Kori fought upstream for so long trying to hunt down the finish line of life and find the trophy that she deserved for her hard work. She didn't understand that there is no finish line. There is no trophy. No one is waiting to pat us on the back for a 'job well done'. She couldn't see the value in the slow, mindful, 'pointless' things; she failed to recognize that these tiny things are exactly what propels us forward.... maybe not to where we think we will land, but then -- we don't have control to know that no matter how bad we want to. 

The old Kori didn't need to lean on anyone -- she wanted fierce independence .... that did not (obviously) work out so well in love; for the good men she pushed away and the one that dazzled her abused her.

And her "glass-half-full" attitude inhibited her ability to grieve and feel darkness. This attitude devalued half of the human emotions and caused her to avoid the 'shadow' al the while, clinging to the 'good stuff'. This is a recipe for disaster for no human emotion is "bad" -- all emotions are a compass into the soul. Also our world based on change and fluidity and death -- thinking we can control it by creating a vision board and denying our true feelings in the name of "the pursuit to happiness" causes happiness to be the ultimate failed chase.

Happiness is now. It is in the shit of our lives; the moments right under our own two feet. It is in the tired moments and the stressed out moments and the tender ones and the ones filled with love.

Happiness is in the surrender, it lays in the ability to care for self right now, exactly as we are. 

This is self-care. Self-care is leaning into where we are at without judgement. It is not: knowing full well that we are exhausted and we head to the gym for a super hard work-out anyway; no that is not self-care. Self-care is a true and authentic surrender into the place of giving ourselves permission to be our fucking human selves with no strings attached, no hidden agenda. Self-care is one foot and then the next; thats it. Its not complicated or grande, it is a very simple mundane process -- that changed my life. 

Also, saying "naps are for the lazy" is like saying that "plugging your phone in to charge is for the delinquent phones" -- it is INSANE that we do not value rest.... goodness, go have a nap. Rest. Give yourself permission to be where you are at. 

Give yourself permission to be where you are at...

Give yourself permission to be where you are at...

Give yourself permission to be where you are at...

There is divinity where you reside -- right now, in this very moment. I dare you to surrender. I dare you to lock your critic//ego//sabatour in the basement (a technique I got from my therapist) and give yourself some space to simply exist. 

I'm going to to make coffee now -- stay in my lulus with my un-showered self -- and read.... without the damn guilt. 

if you liked that, you will love these....