I found a letter I wrote to my therapist (among many), but this is one I feel inclined to share. The journey into the soul is simply not for the faint of heart. The journey into darkness runs great risk, for it just may swallow one whole, or perhaps winde up in death. It did for me.
My process was slow, to say the least. I was diligent in my work, not because I was motivated to be (at first), but because my life was becoming unmanageable, and my sanity was slipping away. I had become a mere shell of a human being, I had lost my "spark" - my zest for life. I was miserable, disconcerted and numb. I had no coping techniques, I was addicted to drama and to a deeply unhealthy relationship, my boundaries we non-existant and I had deep heart break manifesting in my life as sheer rage.
I did my work and I still do my work -- I value this process as much as I value the involuntary action of our hearts beating or our lungs breathing. For me, this process saved my life, and continues to hold me accountable to evolution, connection and growth.
I learned that there is deep divinity in darkness. I value the hurt of the soul more than I can tell you, I believe whole heartedly that there is nourishment in those dark crevasses that offer secrets to forgiveness and self-compassion that only the darkness can. The dark is beautiful, it is necessary and it is longing to be seen.
March 20, 2013
I'm journaling... and crying... and writing and I just wanted to share with you where I am at.
The biggest thing I am learning in counselling is self compassion & self love. I have learned to slow down. I have begun to take care of myself in the deepest way I know how. I have stopped asking the people I look up to "am I normal", "is this the right path" and I have started to accept that there is no 'normal' and there is no final goal. Life is Now. I have learned that no matter how badly I want to get through a lesson and be done with it, sometimes life has a different plan, and sometimes it is more about the journey than the destination. I, for the 1st time in my life I am learning to be SOFT and VULNERABLE. I am also learning that softness is actually really strong, and really beautiful. I have never acknowledged the power and strength in soft, feminine, open energy; instead I lived from a place of hard, masculine energy which I used to purposefully self protect. Now I see that, for me , wisdom can be accessed when I am soft, tearful, vulnerable, open, self compassionate and real with where my heart is at. I am learning to be seen, authentically. And I am learning to show up, not in a hard and self protected way..... but in a 'heart inside out and totally vulnerable to the harshness of life' kind of way. Im proud of that, even though it scares the fuck out of me and makes me cry. I'm learning to love being soft.
I have learned that losing Dad hurt me and traumatized me more than I ever gave credit. I'm learning to develop a relationship with "little Kori", it hurt me so much 6 months ago when I met her and she would not talk to me. She still wont talk to me, but we're developing some trust and I know it will take time. I am learning that I avoid 'hurt' with an energy filled angry story, but if I stop, slow down and breath, 99% of the time I touch into my hurting heart. I am learning that 'hurt' is ok, and that it must be felt and moved through - you can not ignore it or skip over it.
I am learning that I have felt deeply, deeply alone for the majority of my existence. That hurts me beyond words. I am also learning that through a relationship with God and a relationship with myself I will be able to start to fill those holes and take care of me. I also have learned that I have an endless troup of personalities to keep me company :)
I am learning that a relationship with God (or whatever I will decide to call it when I figure it out) is key to my 'life garden'. I have learned that in order for me to be balanced I need: gratitude, prayer (for me and for the world), deep connection (with people and life), purposeful work, strong female relationships, self growth, counselling, earth foods,and physical activity. I have learned in this process that holding the space to plant my garden with all the right soil is mandatory for my purpose on this planet. I have learned that I love witches, and fairies, and gardening, and sprouting!
I am slowy starting to trust life again..... slowly. I am deeply grateful for the 'soul swamp' I have been swimming in. Because no matter how helpless, dark or alone I felt it brought me to where I am, and this path is one that I strongly desire to continue on. I am learning so much.
And last.... I have learned that a relationship-less life with a successful business and no kids is NOT what I want. I long to love and be loved more than anything else. I am learning that I deeply want a loving, committed, trusting, playful, free relationship in which I can be who I am, and BE SEEN by my partner. I want to be vulnerable and strong, I want a deep connection, and I want to be let into my partners world as well. I want to be valued and recognized. I want to have a family and to make this world a better place.
My whole theroy in life has always been "self Love", but this process has made me start to understand that 'self love' is more than 2 words and more than an affirmation. Its is a dark and painful journey int the depths of the soul and the world and it is through tht that there is light. It just makes me cry.
..... Thanks for all your help so far. Im so friggen scared for this next step!!