{ADDICTED} to drama

The truth is that I have been known to thrive on drama.

Chaos has been a soft blanket for me, something familiar for my soul.  Not a truth that is overly fun to admit; it was certainly a tough one to face, accept and transcend.

Slowing down was a nemesis; it was boring, it felt unproductive. I felt better, even grounded in driven, chaotic, lightening style energy. It was a rush; like too much caffeine. That’s where I felt at peace.

Slowing down felt slow and useless.

I learned this truth in the process of my many attempts at leaving an unhealthy relationship; I would go as far as to call it abusive. It would get so chaotic with us, that I had no choice but to leave. I think we had the potential of literally killing one another. Sanity and safety meant walking away. Each time I would muster up all courage I had, and walk away. This meant ignoring texts, calls and emails. It meant not seeing him. It was torture.

He knew how to push my buttons like no one else.

First it would be a few text messages of love - wishing we could make things work, promises to do whatever it took. Next I would get something mean - a picture of another female he was ‘dating’, or a text telling me that ‘he never loved me anyway’; something to deeply trigger me.

 It worked. Every single time.

Trigger felt like hell. My blood would literally feel like it was boiling. My heart would fall so deeply into my body that it felt like it lived in my feet. I wanted to scream, shout, and violently cry. It was a burst of insane energy, that for a long time I did not know how to cope with.

Pema Chodron, in her book ‘Getting Unstuck’ (an all time fav) describes this as a 'shenpa'. It’s something that hooks you in, that drags you faster than the speed of light into a story. He knew how to do that with me. I would be back into that drama so damn fast that I could not see what hit me. And I would react, a text back, a poor me victim style text back. And bam, the drama was relit.

It was unhealthy, and I certainly played my role in it.

It takes 2 to tango.

He was mean. I was not sane.

Why was walking away so fucking hard? A sane person could see that for what it is.

I couldn't see, I was not sane. 

He sent me a picture of the girl he was ‘seeing’, or sleeping with, or something... I don’t even know. She was literally beautiful. Then he told me that she was the ‘house-cleaner’ that was coming over the entire time I lived there. Was this going on the whole time? Lies. My heart, broke. It still enrages me to think about it. I still have the picture. This was NOT OK.

That is easy to see from the outside. And somewhere in me, I knew it. But the reaction was something I seemed to be unable to detach from. 

Journal Entry:

May 29, 2012

Today is Tuesday, day 3 of our breakup. I have had a really horrible day so far. I can’t believe how heart broken I am. I am totally desperate to make things work. I am clinging to this in an unhealthy way.

A ** presuer is a person who reduces their anxiety by seeking close relationships and sharing feelings. For 1.5 years I have been perusing him – I have been nagging and begging him to open up, to love me more, to show me tenderness, passion, desire and LOVE. I have done this all at the cost of loving my own self. I have forgotten my own needs, desires, passions, and LOVE. The more I push him, the more he backs away. The more he backs away the more anxious, angry, and hurt I get until finally I gave up in a resentful way and I become bitter and distant. I have always ALWAYS valued independence and space. Where did that go? Why did I stop expressing it? – I am certainly starting to see my role in this.

 ** I was busy spending all of time figuring out how to a) save the relationship and b) save myself, find my ownership in an unhealthy dynamic – this concept was taken out of a fabulous book called The Dance Of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by: Harriet Lerner

 Journal Entry:

May 30, 2012

My brain and heart are at a complete WAR. I know I need to LET GO, but I want to RUN BACK! I want to believe that he can change; I guess I want to believe that he can be the person that I see in him.

Journal Entry:

May 31, 2012

It’s so hard to let go. I keep texting him weather it’s a nice text or a fight – at least were talking, that’s at least what’s going through my head.

Journal Entry:

June 6, 2012

“Sat morning he sent me some stupid text about how its sucks for him that he does not get to see Merlot. Just a guilt trip, that’s all it was. I spent the day with Andrea on Saturday at the underwear affair and did what I could to totally ignore him. I then went for dinner with Andrea, Clair and her Mum…. "

“I don’t know what to believe. Maybe all of the unanswered questions and doubt I have are warning signs to stay away. And if that’s the case…., then WHY do I want him so much? Why do I want this to work so bad?”

Journal Entry:

June 10, 2012

I am so grateful for Kim and Andrea – these 2 women have been my ROCKS. They have really held me through this and I don’t know how I will repay them!!!

Journal Entry:

June 11, 2012

I have 2 classes to teach and I am going to run stairs for an hour.  I think I will have another night of hot tea, candles and reading my book. Tomorrow morning I am forcing myself to get up and go to yoga. Life will start to make sense I’m sure.

I think Ill eat breakfast now and take Merlot for a walk to get coffee!

Please help God.

Journal Entry: 

June 13, 2012

“I have contacted the women’s emergency shelter and I am making an appointment to talk to a councillor. The episodes are becoming INSANE. I can't do this anymore. I have people coming form every direction telling me how amazing I am, how I am inspiring, strong, and courageous. They say that I have the ability to touch people and inspire people. They say I am fun, qweerky. They say I deserve better…… he is the ONLY one that does not value me and the ONLY one that I want.

Journal Entry:

June 14, 2012

I called him about 14 times. He would not answer his phone. I was in SHOCK and it was the 1st time that I really was able to acknowledge to myself that things are fucked. I saw the cycle and I feel the CRAZY!!!!!! I was pacing, my skin had gone pale and I could not figure out what to do. I think I was on the verge of a panic attack. I was hyperventilating, almost puking and really dizzy. While I ran I CRIED and I looked at my tattoo “love wins” and I imagined slicing the words and slitting my wrists. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it. I can NOT believe that THIS is what I am going through. I am in denial and I am hurting like no pain I have EVER felt.

He told me never to talk to him again. And now he’s texting me again – telling me how much he loves me, how he misses me, how hes sorry.

WHAT THE FUCK??????????!!!!!?!?!?!?!

This is INSANE. And IM insane.

I can’t keep up with this all.  I am VERY lost. I am BARLEY holding on. The line between sanity and a pure loss of it is FINE right now. Suicidal thoughts are in my head. Alcohol is in my mind. I am SO GLAD I have a support system right now. I know I am strong and I know I can get through this and I will be better off for it.  But man, it hurts.

Things have just EXPLODED. I feel like its MY FAULT!

God H.E.L.P – I wish I was dead. I need help.

I remember that run as clear as day. I remember the weather. I remember what I was wearing. I remember having such a bad ankle injury and it hurt so bad to run, but that pain felt better than the pain in my heart and the craziness in my head – so I ran through the physical pain.

I ran and ran and ran.

That was the last real memory I had before reaching out to a therapist. I skipped the women’s shelter appointment. Acknowledging the dysfunction of what was going on was a fleeting moment; and accepting that what I had ended up in was abuse, was impossible to admit at the time. I didn’t want to reach out to therapy, but I have a best friend who strongly urged it.

She saved my life.

I thought this whole mess was my fault, all I wanted to do was fix it and live happily ever after.

This drama continued, for a long time. I begged for love, got a dose, got knocked back down on my ass and then right back to the start – me begging for more love. It was what I believe heroine must be like, insanely addictive an unhealthy.

I will never forget the day I was in therapy and Marcus asked me if I was ready to let go of the drama.

That still spins in my head. Was it the man in the relationship I was addicted to? Or was it the drama?

As soon as I started to address the drama, the man fell away.

Was I ok with peace? Could I be content with a simple life? Could I find deep fulfillment in staying grounded?

At 1st I couldn’t. There are reasons for my addiction to drama and up’s and downs; reasons I will not go into in this entry. But knowing this piece of my addiction was a true pivotal moment and major turning point.

Suddenly I started to see the value in what Wayne Dyer refers to as “the gap” – it’s the space between the words; without it we would not have language. It is the same as the space between a musical note; without it we would simply hear a loud obnoxious noise. It is the gap, or the space that defines the rest. The high is ok, only when accompanied with a space; a silent slow space of nothing. This is why savasana in yoga is said to be the most important part of your practice, for it is the space that defined your yoga.

{Slow down}; something my mum told me over and over and over again in my life, it’s started to truly resonate and make sense to me. It’s become my mantra. It still is.

I started to develop a relationship with the nothing, the void. I started to feel the benefits of peace. And as I started to develop a relationship and understanding of the gap, it enabled me to let go of the drama. I had infinitely more strength to uphold my boundaries, and I learned that sometimes silence is the best weapon of self-defense and self love. A fight is not always necessary; the last word is sometimes unneeded.

That was power for me.

It’s been almost 2 years of silence now.  I’m deeply proud of that. I learned the value of the word NO in those days. I learned the need for clear respected boundaries; and I can say with conviction that I am no longer addicted to drama – or I can at least feel when it’s hooked me in.