{ANXIETY} & self-care

Anxiety and a heavy heart on the brightest of days, was the least of my expectations. Forgetting to Self-Love and slow down when life got speedy and exciting is an old habit and was the contributing factor to my heavy heart and anxious soul this past weekend. 

I believe that it is when we are at our best, that we need to raise our conscious levels higher than usual to be sure that we remain balanced and caring for our souls. It is easy to Self-Care when we are at the pits of self-love - we have no choice – our ‘X-factor’ or our ‘breaking point offers us amazing fuel for motivation to change. It is when we are feeling great that we need to continue to ‘stay awake at the wheel’. Feeling great is the perfect time to elevate consciousness and evolve a little more, a little deeper.

Part of the divine feminine is the acceptance of happiness. It is human nature to skip through life, ducking under and jumping over the parts that truly make us feel --- both good feelings, and grief feelings. This week, coming home to Calgary has been a huge week for me. I have been elated, excited, joyful, grateful and happy. I have basked in the glory morning inspirations at P&S coffee, while writing and meeting up with Kels, my amazing girlfriend who has been a rock in my life these past few years. My bootcampers showed me a level of love and appreciation that was nothing short of tear jerking and filled my heart with meaning and purpose. I had 2 major proposals for different speaking and leadership opportunities accepted – for the 1st time in my career I feel that I am being pulled down a clear path, and being asked to do tasks that fill my heart with joy, excitement and challenge. Also, being home I got to get together with my bridesmaids and suddenly this wedding became so real, and the reality of the amazing women who stand by my side, and the knowing that I have truly found the man who is the absolute best person I could ever dream of, hit me like a ton of beautiful, but heavy bricks.

Last week I was high on life – I could see that pieces were coming together, like they never have. I was meeting for coffees with best friends, and inspiring women, I was brainstorming, I was creative, I was inspired and grateful and amongst all of the fun and chaos – I forgot about me. I forget to self-care. I was riding a wave, and I was riding it hard and fast– until Sat night, when I hit a brick wall, and the mix of emotions, and lack of stillness to process it all sent me straight into an anxiety attack.

Sunday I recovered with Hawthorne. Monday I restored my vitality through reflection, writing, and a trip to my fav intuitive healer, Rosanna. Today I share my heart with you. 

This is the 1st time in my existence that I see life truly taking a form I have always wanted it to take. I believe this may, in fact be the 1st time in my souls lifetime that things are manifesting in such a perfect way. The war is over – its time to accept joy. Its jaw dropping, its heart warming, it’s the best thing I could ask for. So then why did I rush through the week, racing around and packing my schedule so full I could barley have time to breathe? Am I ready for happiness? Why is it so uncomfortable? Why are we, as women, as humans, prone to avoiding the grief of heartbreak and disappointment – but also prone to avoiding the sheer joy of success?

Part of feminine energy is the ability to receive, and the ability to selfishly hold onto a joyful moment and integrate it before sharing it with the world. Cultivating the ability to integrate joy and then share that joy multiplies the experience of it. It allows the receiver to become well balanced and grounded in the lessons that the joy brought forth – and thus makes the receiver more apt and more capable to teach it and to share it with the tribe. Selfish is a action that is a priority for the self-loving. We, as humans – as women, have to learn to place Self 1st – above all – and experiencing our joy to the depths of our deep hearts is a wonderful 1st step.

I also learned this week that as things started to take off, I resorted back to a space of speed, and fear. As opportunities came forth, I automatically said YES without truly giving myself space and time to carefully and consciously evaluate if these projects were in alignment with my soul - with my energy. Part of the divine feminine is learning the art of saying NO. Louise Hay says “By saying NO to you, I am saying YES to me”. Saying NO is an utter act of trust – trust is a divine feminine quality. By saying NO, we acknowledge that this may not be the right time or place, but that we trust that an opportunity will come again. We trust that in saying NO, in honouring our deepest self, we have faith that the next steps will still be beautiful, clear and abundant.

Last week I was ‘captain YES’. Last week I slipped back into my dominant masculine energy of goals, and drive and forward movement – but I forget the divine feminine of staying still, breathing, accepting and integrating knowledge.

I forgot my golden mantra: 

The masculine is a beautiful thing – it’s bold and its strong; its driven and rooted. On many accounts, I believe that has a lot to do with where I am at today. But without the softness, intuition and vulnerability of feminine its an out of balance yin yang, and a recipe for burn out. Which is why I was where I was at on Saturday night – anxiety ridden and overwhelmed with emotion.

Who knew that in the greatness of life a melt down could appear. Who knew that this joy triggered me to forget self-care. Last week I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat right (missing meals left right and centre), I ran even though my ankle hurt and required ice each night, I didn’t take time for quiet gratitude, journaling, or art. I was out there and driven and extroverted, and high and happy and excited and in the chaos I forgot to stay grounded, nourished, slow, soft, and open hearted.

The irony: Im the Self-Love coach, I spent my week coaching others to stay grounded, self compassionate and nourished - and yet, I forgot. And that's ok - we are all human, and this journey is about progress, not perfection. 

The meltdown on Saturday and the afterthought on Sunday had me thinking that it was the balance between the quiet, receiving, and still forest and the busy, driven, extroverted city that I needed to master, or at least put focus on….. I can now see that it is again that balance of masculine and feminine energy that I am being reminded of.


6 Lessons in Cultivating Feminine:

1.     Self-Care is a priority; the Self comes 1st

2.     Learn to say No

3.     Cultivate trust 

4.     Accept JOY - learn to integrate these beautiful emotions before sharing them with others --- YOU deserve the deepest happiness

5. Slow Down, don't forget to breathe

6. Identify, remember and practice the things that nourish your soul