christmas {heart}

I’m going to get honest here.

This will probably be pretty raw. To tell the truth, I’m not sure what I will say here – but I feel that the lump on my throat and the sadness is my heart hints to me that this might be raw, and real and honest… and likely lacking Christmas cheer.

I can’t shake the feeling I have in my heart these days – it’s just so heavy. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but I suspect it has to do with Christmas and my last few years of memories surrounding it. I suspect that it has to do with life’s changing dynamics and all the ever moving pieces of existence’s puzzle – and I suppose, I am trying to keep up; I am trying to maintain boundaries; and I am trying to stay grounded and connected.

But, all I want to do is hide.

I do not feel Christmas cheer this year. It feels black and heavy to me. My heart feels sore and broken… and exposed. It feels like there are pieces shattered everywhere, and holes that I didn’t quiet know existed.

There are parts of me that just want to run away. I feel sqwirmish and uncomfortable. I feel like crying. I feel like using the warm weather as an excuse to deny the season, to pretend it doesn’t exist.

I feel like such a Grinch – but it’s the way I authentically feel… and that’s ok.

Today all the uncomfortable things in my psyche are surfacing, like to say “hello, we are here, and we want love, and we want you to let us go”.

It’s the uncomfortable emotions surrounding forgiveness.

And acceptance.

Forgives for those who left, and are not here to celebrate the festivities for they are in another dimension of time and space. I wonder if heaven feels the heaviness of Christmas that many of us earthlings feel?

Acceptance that for many this is simply a hard time of year; acceptance that not all humans will get family and dinner and warmth this week – some will be cold and alone. Some won’t have a warm coffee or a loved one, or a stocking filled with goodies on Christmas morning. Some of them I know, and I just cannot stop praying for them.

Forgiveness for the sadness I feel. Acceptance for the sadness I feel. I am where I am. I cannot label it, and I am not sure I can understand it right now. It’s just dark and heavy, and it feels like I can feel all the pains of all the humans in the entire world these days. It’s close to debilitating.

And I feel like going to church – which is so bizzre for me.

So I think I will go. I think I will pray.

Today I am going to cook a Christmas dinner for a few of my very best friends – and I am going to bring some Christmas cheer to our Hayden household. And we will celebrate. And there will be hugs, and gratitude, and laughter. And then I will wrap the million gifts we bought for our dogs! And that will bring me joy.

And in the meantime… I’m just going to be where I am. And I am going to remember that it is ok to feel how I feel. And I am here to remind you that if you are like me, and your heart is inescapably dark and unhappy – I want you to remember that it is ok. I want you to hold your heart, and acknowledge it’s magnificence. I want you to nourish that sad, beating, emotion-filled heart with compassion and acceptance. It’s ok to be where you are. It’s ok to hurt. You don’t always have to have a smile. And, it wont always be this way.

Be where you are – unapologetically.

You are not alone.

I love you.