march journal {three}: cleaning up

The well of feeling residing in my heart is enormous but it's not the same as it used to be; I mean - it is & it isn't all at once. Mostly, I feel whole again. Mostly I feel like a well balanced & content human. There is still the grief & the emotional residue, the 'psychic hangover', but that it the smaller part of who I am these days. It's not gripping me the way it used to. I am able to cry again with no agenda or need to fix or obsessively label it. 

I am finally beginning to feel ... joy. yes, JOY.

Today I am 76 days sober today. I really resisted that this sober thing had anything to do with the vastness that I feel these days -- both the highs & the lows. But today I am unable to deny the link. 

It's another layer of humility. 

For me, getting sober has been an intense process of digesting something I did not want to digest, which of course manifested in my body as really bad physical indigestion. As the days pass by & I continue showing up & doing my work within this realm I am beginning to experience a very large veil being lifted. I can see my life for what it is. Truths are being revealed. Life is no longer blurred. I am not able to run away from the intensity of the feels that I experience & somehow -- buy the grace of a great intelligence -- I have been interested in riding this wave, I have been content with the discomfort, I have been willing ... I have been so very willing.

I am learning on an even deeper level to "clean up my side of the street". Meaning that I am aware more fully of the role I have played in the different drama's in my life & although there remains a part of me that feels like life is unfair & unjust & my heart hurts & my inner teenager wants to stomp her feet & say "you owe me life, it's not my fault", I can see a bigger picture these days. I can feel the inner nagging voice telling me that 'it is time -- no matter what righteous indignation I feel -- to step forward & clean up my part'.

It's hard. It's a great calling. 

It's not so hard to clean it up as it is to become aware of what an asshole I have been. Life loves to serve humble pie, I think it's life's favourite dessert. 

It's a time of great growth for me. It is a time of really & truly setting ablaze that which no longer serves me. It is an experience like nothing I have ever felt before. The world as I know it is fading away & a new one is revealing it self. 

Its brilliant & terrifying all at once. 

I am changing at a cellular level & all I can really do in this process is continue to check in with my heart & soul to say "hey kori, how are ya? who are you today? whats new & different? where do you need nourishment? where can we celebrate?". I'm changing faster than I can keep up with & the only way to self-honour is to self-date & take time with the tender heart in this rib cage I have.

Life takes the most interesting twists & turns. For much of my life I have held my heart & felt enormous pain, but this chapter feels very different, this chapter feels .... I don't know yet, it feels content & I am so pleased with that.