{DARKNESS}

I am swamped with darkness these days, all I want to do is scratch my skin off and scream. Literally. I am back in the throws in crazy insomnia – in bed at 11, and lay there until 3:30 am – I think I end up falling asleep out of sheer frustration. 

It’s not pretty. I am not my best self at this point in the night, and accompanied with that – is shame.

This is 2 nights in a row, and a total of between 3-4hours/night of sleep. Nothing is helping. Not valerian, not sleep tea, not salt lamps, prayer or incense; not Hawthorne, or reishi, or herbal sleeping pills; not even a light yin yoga class before bed. Nothing.

My body feels foreign to me – it feels like it is not mine, like I am trapped inside a teenager girls body – remember being 12-15? Hormones surging everywhere, mood swings all over the place, anxiety and prone to anger – that was me, anyway. I’m sweating one min and shivering the next. I cannot get a handle on my physical well-being, or my emotional. 

Healthy food is not helping, neither is reading or journaling; yoga is pissing me off, stairs are not working. I’m emotionally fired up, sexually fired up, energetically fired up, spiritually fired up – its like I have a blazing fire inside my core, and I feel like I am going to explode. 

Why, when things get uncomfortable in life do we, as humans, label it "BAD" and immediately try to run? I literally want to unzip my skin and r.u.n. In Yoga, when things get uncomfortable we are told not to label the discomfort, and to stick with the feeling with curiosity. Why would life be any different?

In this darkness I find I become very, very harsh on myself. Self-hatred seeps in and over takes my thoughts. I feel less than. I feel like I do a shitty job at being human. I despise who I am, and I worry about life, my future, my career. I have anxiety. I don’t trust God. I doubt where I am at in life, I feel that the deep love I have for Shane is a trick the universe is playing on my and that it will all come falling out from beneath me and I will be left – alone – again.

My defences are high when I am in this place. I become cold, harsh and isolated. I’m snappy, quick to judge, and even faster to pick a fight or push someone away.

I want no one close.

And so, I ask myself – what am I supposed to do with this state of mind? What would Self-Love have me do? Self-Love longs to be held; to be nourished; to be seen. Self-Love says that I do not always have to be strong. Self-Love wants me to remember trust, softness, and vulnerability.

Self-Love wants me to keep my heart on my sleeve.

All I want to do is run to the cabin, alone, and scream. All I want to do is curl up at the base of my tree and cry, and yell, and tell life how its not fair that I always seem to be struggling – that darkness takes over my psyche more often than I think is fair.

IT’S NOT FAIR.

{SURRENDER} is what my soul is craving. Sometimes what our souls need, is not what our mind thinks we need.

My mind wants to drink all the wine in sight or all the gluten filled candy I can find, and numb out this insane discomfort. My mind wants to sprint intervals and move through this shitty place as fast as possible. My coping skills want to scratch my skin off.

My soul on the other hand, wants to just BE, in the darkness, amongst the internal chaos, knowing deeply that ‘this too shall pass’ and the sun will shine again. It is ok to ebb and flow through light, and thought darkness. Do not become attached. Do not attached to internal chaos, or external chaos. Just simply learn to be where you are without expectations, nor judgments.

{it’s all part of the process; it’s all beautiful}

I seem to have forgotten the divinity of darkness; what would 'finding relaxation or comfort in the darkness' look like? Poetry? Art? Dancing? Something for me to explore, perhaps if tonight is another sleepless night....

There is nowhere to go. There is nothing to do. Just be.


And in the being-ness of being, I must remember what self-care looks like:

{Slow Down} create space in life, and be ok with the discomfort of doing n.o.t.h.i.n.g.

{Breathe}

Barefoot on the raw earth, imagine {planting roots} from my being, as deep and connected as the trees and mycelium

Visit dads grave… with an {elixir}

Self-Acceptance – {I am worthy}. This too shall pass.

Water, herbs, whole {foods}


Screen Shot 2015-06-24 at 9.13.51 AM.png

{VULNERABILITY} is not the space I gravitate to when darkness hits, but in my soul – deep down – I know that remaining open and soft will ease the blow of judge-y self thoughts. I know evolution happens in vulnerability, I know courage happens in staying raw and open, I know that the divine can reach me when I am soft and slow.

And so --- it’s a dark time in my thoughts these days, and you know what?  That’s ok. No where to go, nothing to do but self-accept and be with where I am at.