december journal, entry {five}

I have been focusing my energy on the cultivation of Qi with (as always) a strong emphasis on my wellbeing and self-care. I'm still finding the places where my soul resides these days to be so interesting and grounding. I feel content, I really do. I feel like I could not ask for more. I am not elated but nor am I dark, I truly feel ... content. It's nice. My food is balanced, my mood is balanced, my outlook is positive and I am handling the shitty parts of life with more grace than ever -- it's nice. 

Each morning I have started my day laying in bed and focusing on my breath and each afternoon or evening I have sat in my living room and played the crystal bowls. Nothing huge or dramatic, just the simple shifts to increase my vibe. I'm still dabbling in warm foods learning more about how my body is reacting to certain energies and nutrients -- Im brewing up a bad ass batch of bone broth and a cauldron of chaga and resihi tea to set myself up for nourishment for the week. 

Since I cut the booze out more than two months ago, I have experimented a couple of times with adding in very small and intentional amounts of wine. It's been a poor reaction from my body. All elimination protocols take a period of time for detox and then a period of time for a re-introduction of the subject in which detoxification took place because of. I added red wine a couple of times -- no more than two small and intentional glasses each time. And last night I played with mead -- again, small amounts with real intention. The reaction is the same each time, a hangover so bad it feels like I partied all night long. A bad headache, severe digestive upset, red eyes, regret and dark feelings. Today -- rather than hate on myself -- I called on deep self compassion and I thanked my body for her divine wisdom and for her ability to always guide me and then I thanked ME for learning to listen to by bodies wisdom. 

Our bodies are so wise, they are literally always speaking to us in the forms of symptoms and I do believe with all of my heart that our job is to learn to listen and to honour ourselves with unconditional compassion. That is the real kicker right there... unconditional compassion for WHERE WE ARE AT. Our moments are teaching us -- where we are is exactly where we need to be, but how often are we attempting to change or manipulate our circumstances? How often are we day dreaming about being somewhere else or numbing out to the reality we are in? How often do we shame ourselves or hate on ourselves for habits we carry? Shaming self for over eating or being less energetic that we think we 'should be'; shaming self for the mad moods we are in, the anger we hide or the toxic relationship we can not seem to get out of -- no matter how damn hard we try. Shaming the beautiful self for skipping a workout, not being good enough or not knowing how to care for the human being we are the way we need to. 

Gosh, I think if we could just learn to stop where we are at, drop the fucking hustle to get somewhere else and surrender to where we reside, we would learn a billion times faster than we do by running the rat race of obsessive overthinking and self-hating. 

I could easily crumble into a shame spiral over the shit I have faced -- most recently, my realizations with my relationship to alcohol -- but why bother going that route? (fuck, I have traveled that route so many damn times only to end up in a pile of self-hating mush) Why bother allowing shame to take a strong grip over something that is actually a beautiful communication from my human body pushing me into the direction of radiant wellness -- why on earth would I punish myself for something so beautiful?

Our physical symptoms, emotionality and overall state of our lives are simply the way spirit communicates to the soul -- learn to listen. Learn to surrender into the places that you reside, inviting your experiences in -- close and intimate -- eye to eye -- to dance and lean in and find the divinity in the moment to moments. 

Layer by layer we peel right into the centre of our beating hearts.