december journal, entry {four}

I woke up in a panic. I woke up with tears streaming down my face and I could barley get out of bed. Why? I'm not always sure but today I thought I had a pretty good idea -- at 1st I spent my time laying there blaming the "story" -- the thing I think caused me to feel this way. "Not my fault", I said. "I'm showing up and doing my work", I said. This battle has been going on in my head alot these days.... part of me saying "kori, your work is done, it's the world now -- the world better step up".

What the fuck is that????

Ego.

That is the worst advise EVER.

Fuck you Ego, get outta here.

There was another voice tis morning that came over me that told me to keep on fucking going -- If the pain is here, the work is not done. If the pain is in MY heart then it is MY work that needs to be done. There is no ticket out; there is no free pass to stop showing up. It is no one else's fault. It is not the worlds fault and it is not the fault of any situation. These stories are teaching us. The story 'is-what-it-is' -- and let's be real, we have no power to control these things, sometimes we have to wait them out. But, our true "point of power" is to drop the story and lean into the feeling. For me -- this morning -- that meant ceasing the blame game and dropping the ego "i'm doing my work and so I can shut my heart down" story and lean into the woman who was crying in bed and feeling panic. 

So I did. 

I laid in my bed and placed my hand on my heart and I said out-loud "Hi Kori, I see you. What do you need?" To which I heard "Rest" and "Yoga". So, I let myself stay in bed while I cuddled the pooches and did some intentional breath work. And then I got up and  put one foot in front of the other and got the fuck on with my day. YES, I feel the some of the same tension and worry that woke me up; NO I am not blaming the story; YES I am working on caring for the part of me that is scared for this is what the "story" is revealing to me.

The 'story' is showing me where I need more love... from, ME.

Life can offer a million 'distractions' -- ones of story lines, ones of doubt and worry and fear, ones of old wounds resurfacing, ones of negative sabotaging self-talk -- and yet, underneath it, the work remains the same. 

As I ride this wave of life, I experience both the highs and the lows and the in-betweens on the daily and what I am learning is that the story line can become such a distraction to the work. This has shown up in my own experience and as a theme as I talk to clients this past week. Our instant solution to the perceived discomfort in life seems to revolve around "fixing the issue", or rather "releasing the pain of the story we are living in". 

You know this antidote, I know you do -- it is the ever tempting need to "scratch the itch"...

- get the 'to-do list done"

- get a new job and make more money

- move to a better city 

- run away from the relationship 

- plan a workout challenge and then skip all the workouts 

- fall prey to the bottle of wine 

- make a dream board and try to conjure up the motivation 

And while I can not deny that some of these just may be effective in our lives the truth of the matter remains that, 'wherever you go... there you are". The stories matter very little; in fact, the stories act more as a catalyst to lifting the veil to the things that trigger us and thus showing us where our work resides. It is not really about leaving the job, making more money, or fleeing from the relationship -- it truly is about learning to be radically still, leaning into the discomfort and finding ways to self-nourish. 

Rather than solely obsessing about the 'story' (ie: the amount of obligations we have; the demands that bombard our lives; the stress we feel in school; the lack of motivation we experience; the discomfort that a relationship can bring; the impeding worry and dread around finances etc. ) we can choose to see a silver lining -- an opportunity -- to look beyond the knee-jerking reaction to scratch the itch via __________(fill in your 'thing' -- flee, explode, shut down, numb out etc.). 

When we feel the rise of discomfort it is easy to blame the story, but what the soul is demanding is that we get very still and centre into the feelings in our heart, for it is there that the answers lay to our immediate self-care. This is the art of finding divinity in darkness and surrender into uncertainty. We become the eye of the storm in doing so -- the calmness in the chaos and we train our souls to have the perseverance to show up in all facets of life with deep self-knowing, self-care and compassion.

Try to look deeper into self when your 'story' shows up. Try to acknowledge the pain the suffering, the worry, stress, loneliness, fear, hurt etc and then try to find a way to nourish the places you are at via the rituals of self-care rather than blame, obsess and project onto the story. If we do not do our work it will matter not what we change in our environment for where we go -- there we are. 

Every story, every pain, every moment of discomfort is an opportunity to learn more about the workings of your heart and how to best self-care and in turn show up as a true warrior in the world.