october journal, entry {one}:

I use the platform of IG to get pretty raw on the daily, but the captions are short and I feel I may be missing some of the audience I want to connect with; as a result I have decided to spend my mornings over here on my other 'online-home' and get raw and real and create an online journal here. I'm going to show up for all of October and simply bare my heart -- the same way I would in a journal -- transparent, open and nothing-to-hide. 

I am using October as a month for "boring living" or, better said: 'slow living'. I am using it to get still and find a balance between the moderate wings that the pendulum can swing. I suppose I am once again looking at and re-evaluating my relationship with drama, or the highs of the highs and lows of the lows. 

Yesterday was day one of my October intention (I know, it was actually oct 3 but it was my first day solo as shane was still in town before that point) and I spent my day doing exactly what I said I would do: slowing down and holy shit, alot surfaced -- hence why I am taking some time to write as I know I am not alone. 

The voices of shame were running fucking rampant yesterday for almost the entirety of the day -- that was until I went to teach bootcamp and coach two wonderful woman clients! -- I sat at home with my dogs and cried a whole lot. I also read 150 pages of a book and sent my therapist a bunch of emails. I drank alot of reishi and mostly I just continued to try and sit still in the centre of my heart unsure as to where the shame storm was coming from. 

One of the shame-themes that arose for me yesterday was this:

'Your a bad wife';

'You have always been bad in love';

'Shane wont stay in the long run; I mean, who would want to? I wouldn't want to date me'.

The truth about dating me is that I have been known to be an "ice queen", I can be distant and tough and cold. I can forget softness or rather.... have no fucking clue how to access it. I want men with masculine energy around me and yet I am in constant competition with the men in my life that 'I can do it better'.

I don't allow masculinity to thrive around me. Why? I have no idea. 

I'm not a cuddly human and I can very, very easily feel smothered or that my "independence" is threatened at which point I fuckin' shut right down. Once I shut down, I find it it nearly impossible to open back up again. My heart seems to feel personally attacked, violated and disrespected and I have the largest struggle to surrender. 

The irony hey? Am I not a woman that has dedicated her life to teaching femininity and softness to the women who cross my path and yet, I struggle with the exact thing I am teaching.

Which then leads shame to her next feast of: "who the fuck are you to be doing this work?".

Many days I feel like a fraud.

Many days I feel like a bad and shitty wife. I feel like the fact that I am not sexual enough, not lovey-dovey enough and hard around the exterior makes me a shitty woman. I feel often that the fact that I am strongly extroverted with a very, very massive need to take solo-time on a regular basis makes me bad. 

But here's thing thing: does it really make me bad?

Honestly, I think this is part of what makes me human -- sure I may loose clients by stating all of these flaws out loud, but my mission on this globe is to live unapologetically in who I am all the while creating a space space for us to show up and bare all.... I intend to bare it all with realness. 

Its kind of messed up trying to adult and trying to find our balance and our vulnerability and softness all the while trying to mend the wounds of past trauma and make a sparkly life for ourselves. Sometimes it feels like alot of pressure. Sometimes it feels like... 'whats the point? i'm too far damaged; perhaps I operate best alone."

But let me tell you this or better yet considering this is a 'journal entry'... kori, let me remind you of something:

Your coldness is your shield. Your distance and hard shell is your protection. Shit went down in your life and at a point in time these were the cloaks that served as armour in a dangerous world -- these are the cloaks that kept your heart beating and allowed your delicate self to continue to take one foot in front of the next to arrive where you are today; doing the work that you are doing. Let me also remind you, Kori, that you have been diving into the seat of deep, dark, introspective, soft, slow femininity for some time now and do not be fooled -- you are doing a better job than you give yourself credit for.

Keep going.

This is the world of the feminine -- to reflect, to look inwards and to patiently continue the work of shedding layers and opening up the heart. You are not damaged goods and there is absolutely nothing wrong in the world with being less cuddly than someone else or needing distinct time alone. These are part of what make your medicine cabinet: alone time, self-dating and room to breathe. 

Letting someone into my heart freaks me right out and to be very real: love terrifies me. Love is so all encompassing and so... dangerous. I know that when I allow myself to crack open, the flood of emotions is almost unbearable and the vulnerability and openness I feel is literally one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had. I feel this space with my bearded man -- it can be fleeting for me as my 'go-to' is to run away or shut down but when I find me; when I find my softness the world seemingly slows down with time almost coming to a halt and I can feel his heart beat by looking into his eyes and I feel totally stripped down of all guards and completley exposed. When this happens my soul feels bigger than all of the galaxies. Its like an orgasm -- nothing else matters and the intensity is the stopping of time and the total surrender to the moment.

So, the pay off is worth it. 

Shedding the shield of protection is worth it. 

The shield is old now and, mostly unnecessary. 

And so the story continues, the recipe for healing remains the same: hand to heart and place one foot in front of the next. We do not have to have it all figured out -- that's actually the whole point: we are humans and we will never master it all or figure it all out. 

What matters is this:

One foot and then the next and then we repeat -- its a simple equation, its not an easy one and there is no finish line to race to and trophy to get... but it is the equation that will lead you to the centre of your soul, the beating of your heart and the shedding of all the tough shields that are no longer needed. 

Keep on going. One foot... and then the next.