april journal {grief}

I am in the most astronomical levels of grief I think I have ever felt before. Ever. I feel betrayed and broken open at the seams. What I thought was the truth has turned out to be lies and what I thought was solid, I now know was a 'house of cards'. The wind blew and the structure came crashing down. I am at a loss for words today, all I can really articulate are the feels that are in my whole.entire.being. 

Loss.

Betrayal.

Abandonment. 

Broken Heart.

Grief. 

Grief.

Grief.

I have been sober through this whole ride and that, it seems, adds to the intensity of this entire painful process of illusions falling to the wayside. Many moments over the past week I have found myself waling like I would imagine a mother animal would wail if she lost her cub; loud, animalistic, frightening, powerful. I'm lost. All I have right now is this giant broken heart that desperately needs mending. At times I don't know how to move forward and at other times I wonder if I will ever stop crying, if I will ever heal?

I know I will. In time. 

But for now all I have are the deep and painful cries of my heart, the sore abdominal muscles I have from shaking violently in tears on the floor.

The grief, it hits me when I least expect it. Sometimes it's the mornings as I wake and realize that this is my life and I was not lucky enough to have had a bad dream. Sometimes its a night once the darkness arises and the feelings overwhelm me and other times in mid day -- in the grocery store, eating dinner, sitting in a meeting, walking the dogs. Who knows when she will hit me. 

It's very real. Very alive. Enormous pain. 

But alas, this is the nature of life and on some cosmic level it will all make sense at some point in time. And so I hold true to my ways: one foot and then the next. One day at a time all the while praying my ass off that I may have the serenity, grace and courage to move through this painful life lesson.

That's all I can do.