april journal {heartbreak & choice}

how do i say what i need to say when i am totally at a loss for words? can't i just spew tears all over my computer and can't the magically turn into readable emotional processing? how do i process these emotions when they feel so intense that they take me out? how do i know what to feel when i can not figure out what the plan is going to reveal? how do i stop the panic? how to i calm the fuck down?

i don't. all i do -- my only job -- is to simply be where i am at, which is the bis stop of broken heart. my job is to feel the feels.  

i know a few things this morning:

- waking up was bitter sweet. sweet in the sense that of course i am happy to have another chance at this mysterious fuck show we live in (this is a real sign of growth for me; there were many, many days i woke up only bitter and angry -- absent of the "sweet" part -- that i had to live this life out. many days i wanted it to end. to feel the sweet.... well, thats a win and the small wins matter) but bitter becasue i wish my reality was a dream, -- one that happened in my sleep and graced me with the gift of starting fresh in the morning, one that wasn't real, one that i could simply shake off and go on like 'normal'. but alas, it is a nightmare -- not was, but is -- the kind that is real. the kind that no matter how hard i pinch myself, i can not wake up from. 

- i'm scared shitless. i really am. i've never been so scared. 

- my heart is shattered to a million billion fragments of hopeless dispair.

- i'm crying in public, alone in a coffee shop and i can't stop.

 as much as this is a swift kick in the heart centre of everything i trust and feel and love and as much as its taking my breath away, i feel something interesting happening, i feel myself making choices i've never made before. i am whole heatedly choosing to ride this out, i am feeling every.fucking.ounce of the pain of this all. i am not running or hiding or numbing. i am present. i am not controlling the outcome and when i find myself becoming obsessed with the fears and the 'what if's' i find myself saying "kor, you got this". i hear myself praying over and over and over again and my prayer is different than it used to be. my prayer is not my order for god about what i think ought to happen but rather, my prayer is one of surrender and a true and honest plea to god to say USE ME AS A VESSLE. you know, the kind of prayer that says 'i don't know what the fuck is up here but you seem to make shit work, so you do it" that kinda prayer. i feel myself walking on a tight rope -- one that could easily catapult me back into old ways -- drama, addiction, pity parties, darkness, suicidal thoughts all the shit -- all that bullshit i have worked so fucking hard to heal. but on the other side of this tight rope is faith and light. 

i'm choosing the light despite my broken heart. 

and here is what else i know,

- we don't get to know the 'plan' and i believe that had we got to 'know the plan' we would be too chicken shit to take steps forward, life is smart and leads us with bread crumbs... follow those.

- self care is not dependents on what the 'story' is or how the 'story unfolds'; self care needs not know the yesterdays or the tomorrows. self-care is a right-fucking-now job. 

- life is fucked up, but she knows what she is doing. finding the light and the surrender and the flexibility with an open heart is way less damaging (trust me, i've tried every other route) 

life demands that we call on courage, she demands that we become warriors. life is not fair and sometimes it makes no sense what so-ever. but, that's ok. it's ok not to know. it's ok to feel horrible and filled with anxiety, it's ok to feel broken and lost and betrayed and worried and untrusting. it's ok. it's ok that we can't show up for the world sometimes and it's ok to toss and turn all night long in worry. it's ok. it's ok to cry in public and it's ok to reach out to the tribe. it's ok to not know what tomorrow may bring (we never know this piece anyway)and it's ok to feel fear to the very core of your DNA. it's ok to pray and yell and vent and scream and say WHHHYYYYY????!!!! it's ok. it's ok to be a mess and fall apart. it's ok to feel totally irreparably broken. it's ok to question faith, as long as we find a tiny inkling of open heart. it's ok. life is not easy. the path is not straight. we are made for our lives. i am made for this path and with every ounce of my strength i plan to trudge through this to higher more forgiving and compassionate places. 

and that's it for today.