Confession: I am a people pleaser – through and through. I would rather people like me. I have a hard time saying NO. I have a hard time asserting healthy, self-loving boundaries. I became aware of this 3 years ago, and at that time I literally had zero boundaries and I was constantly hustlin' for people to like me, I was needy and not in a good space. Today, I thought I would share this raw, and difficult topic. The fact of the matter is that you will not be able to please everyone, it is simply impossible. Another fact is that by worrying about pleasing everyone else, we run a giant risk of loosing ourselves. How often have you found yourself hustling for approval, even at the cost of your own vision, your own happiness, you own journey?
Why is it more important for us 'approval hustlin' folks' to have others likes us, even at the cost of our own self? That’s messed up. I personally find saying “no” deeply uncomfortable – but as I evolve and grow, what is becoming even more uncomfortable is sacrificing my boundaries and myself care for other peoples opinions. This had been a big lesson for me over the past few years.
Louise Hay says that “saying NO to YOU, is saying YES to ME” – that is an amazing mantra.
The need for approval coincides with boundaries – something I have deeply struggled with all my life. I learned approx. 3 years ago, that I literally had zero boundaries in my life. I let to many people in, I said too much, I hustled for people’s approval and I had no idea how to assert myself in any form of a self-loving way. Any boundaries that I did have were drawn in the sand and were easily washed away by the waves of the ocean, and thus I was always drawing new boundaries.
That is not the nature of a boundary. Redrawing boundaries when life wipes them away is the nature of hustling for exterior approval.
A boundary is line we draw that expresses our ability to say YES or NO based on what is good for our own soul. Boundaries come from a place of Self-Care. Boundaries say “YES, that is something that is good for me and is in alignment with my path and soul” or they say “No, that is not in alignment for my soul, this is not something I am willing to tolerate or add into my life”.
I have learned a few things about boundaries:
1. All Self-Loving people have boundaries.
2. Boundaries are not always easy; they can be very hard to uphold (especially when others do not approve of them).
3. No matter how hard they are, they are worth it, it is the boundaries created that protects the inner soul, and nurture the life path.
4. Boundaries can be isolating – and here is where hustling for approval and having self loving boundaries crashes and explodes….
You see… you can not have a boundary of self love AND hustle for approval – they do not dance well together. A boundary of self love comes from the place of “I AM ENOUGH”. Regardless of what the world tells you, you are enough, and you deserve to uphold boundaries that you have set for your life, and your life path. And guess what? This inevitably will piss some people off, and thus you will fail at the hustle for outer approval, but you will succeeded at the process of INNER approval, and her in lays the world of self-love.
Boundaries protect that which is light and vulnerable.
A metaphor: Think of something delicate – like the tiny buddings in a garden. These tiny buddings are easily destroyed or killed if not nurtured with water, sun, love and protection.
The tiny buddings = that which is light and vulnerable in you.
The water, the sun, the love and the protection = boundaries.
It is the boundaries that protects the buddings life, and ensures it has a bright future. It is the boundary that nourishes the plant. With out the boundary the plant risks death.
I believe boundaries are a key to self-care. They can be isolating, they can be hard to uphold, they can compromise the hustle for approval from others. But they protect our souls, they protect and nurture self-love, and they ensure that our next steps into the future are in alignment with our values and our deepest soul path.
Cultivating boundaries means letting go of the hustle for others approval, and learning to deeply get to know and fall in love with your own self. YOU, my beautiful friend, are enough. You are valuable. You are loveable and only YOU knows how to deeply care for YOU.