may journal {i choose love}

for me writing is medicine, telling my story and sharing my feels is healing. i am honest and transparent to the very core of my being and, for me, this has always felt more than just a calling for the healing of my own heart and soul, but also a calling as part of my soul work for the world. 

writing is medicine. 

sharing my heart is healing. 

it's no secret that i have been wiped out by grief over these past 14 days, and although i still am not interested in sharing any of the details, i am certainly interested in pouring out my heart on this screen in the form of words and tears and grief and acceptance and all the human emotions that i am feeling. 

nothing has been more intense in my life, ever. 

today i am 125 days sober. a veil has lifted in my life over these past 125 days like i could not begin to describe. there are no words. just immense realizations of truth that are far beyond my human comprehension. 

over the past 6 years i entered into what i believed were my darkest days. i battled with horrible depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. there was a darkness that i simply could not shake. i had brief moments of clarity through it all, and moments of sheer and utter love as i began to slowly but surly fall in love with who i am , and also a find a man that i deeply, deeply love. but no matter the work i did -- the spiritual work, the therapy, the runs and races and obstacle courses, no matter the prayer or writing or clients or love or, or, or, there remained a darkness for me and on december 22nd this darkness came to a peak that i knew i had to face. 

in this moment on december 22nd, i fell to my knees and i asked for help. i knew this was all beyond me and i knew i needed to face what was running my life. they say that the "drug of choice" (for me it was alcohol) is a symptom of something greater and deeper going on inside the soul. i thought i had dealt with that demon in my years of therapy, my coaching, writing, healthy eating, prayer etc etc etc etc.. but, it was still there. 

there was no ultimatum for me, no one told me that i "had to fix this or else". me getting help was 100% because i wanted it, 100% because i knew deep in my soul that something was not right. 

and so i embarked on the journey of sobriety. 

i was not graced with a pink cloud. this has been fucking hell. i did not cut the wine out to find myself lighter in thinking, clearer in dreams and wide eyed with a new found sparkly outlook on life. no, i found myself obsessive, worried, controlling. i found myself discovering painful truths and seeing all of the areas in my life that i could actually see my role, my responsibility and alas the calling to 'clean my side of the street'. 

and yet with the pain of this all, i could also see the grace in it all. i'm coming to believe whole heartedly in a power greater than myself and i am finally learning what the word "surrender" actually means. i'm cultivating faith like i have never had, and in the moments of pure and utter despair -- as i have experienced over the past 14 days -- i am finding myself choosing ... LIGHT. 

wild. i know. 

step one in my spiritual recalibration was having this soul of mine learn to surrender into the darkness and find the divinity that resided there. and i did that, i learned that. i learned that all seeds must be buried alive into the great void to find the nourishment they need to crack open and begin their journey into potential. i've worked tirelessly at this, fuck i even wrote a book about it, it's called "the atlas of darkness", and it's in my editor's hands ready to be sent out into the world. the darkness became my jam, so much so that i got the nickname of "high priestess of darkness".  i love the darkness, i respect the divinity that is to be found there. 

but now it is time for my seedling soul to sprout and choose the light. nothing has been more painful that this process. my heart shattered into more pieces than i could count as my world -- inner and outer -- came crashing down. everything i believed to be true, turns out to be smoke and mirrors. smoke & mirrors. and all that is left for me is this wild, intense, sober feeling of despair. According to Paulo Coelho in his book Brida "Disappointment, Defeat, Despair are the tools God uses to show us our way..." and so with that i am attempting to hold on tight as i move through some of the most painful lessons my soul has encountered. i'm trusting that this is all meant to be, that this wild recalibration of everything i thought to be real and honest and true will lead me to where my soul is meant to be.

for me this experience of choosing the light means that i am fully immersed in the mind-blowing pain of the life i am living at the moment, all the while falling to my knees in absolute prayer and serenity. i am walking through the moments of this grief with a tender and open heart. i am refusing to feel hardened or jaded. life had taught me softness and trust and that is what i am holding onto. i am present and not numbing out. i am listening to the moment-to-moment calls that my soul needs, like showing up to church alone on a sunday morning after not attending a service in 15 years or going to the dog park one, two, three times a day just to figure out and remember how to breathe, or laying on the floor in fetal position and crying animalistic cries for hours upon hours into the wee moments of the night. i'm facing this astronomical pain even though there have been many times over the past 14 days that it hurts so bad i thought it would kill me, and at times, wished it did. 

life is really fucked up. 

and beautiful. 

and intense. 

and raw. 

and it is what it is and we have only two choices:

Face Fear and Recover 

or 

Fuck Fear and Run. 

i choose the light. i am choosing to show up with my giant beating heart on my sleeve and i am choosing to love all the way through this. i am choosing sobriety and forgiveness and love. i am choosing light and courage. i am choosing the path of the warrior. one foot and then the next. 

i choose love. 

i choose love. 

i choose love.