i choose me {first}

I have so much I want to write about today – so much that is bubbling in the seat of my heart. Potentially some may observe that I am dwelling or festering; to some extent I am sure there is a lining of truth to that observation.

What I am honestly trying to attempt is to let go; to stop allowing others opinions to control the way I feel. I am trying to hold forgiveness and atonement in my heart for others and simultaneously for myself. I am trying with all of my might and all of the tools I know to move through my emotions with grace, while honouring my heart and assertively upholding my boundaries.

I am trying to remember that I do in fact know what is best for my own soul; I am trying to remember to trust. 

My heart is breaking.

Over the past few years I have uncovered many layers of my human soul and dug really deep into the depth of getting to know who I am. I have explored many questions and topics. What has hurt me? How do stand up for myself? What nourishes me? And, what depletes me? What no longer serves me? What do I need more of in my life?  What do boundaries look like? What does self-care require? What does my heart need?

What does Kori want?

I have made self-work my priority. I continue to look inward for my answers. By no stretch of any imagination am I claiming perfection, but I am whole-heartedly claiming fierce dedication to my self-love. 

I feel like a puzzle piece that no longer fits into a picture I used to comfortably exist in. I know I need to walk away. I know I need to focus on that which nourishes my soul and walk away from the things that leave me in tears.

The voices in my head continue to yell at me “but this isn’t how I should feel”; “this situation should be different”. I have come to this reality check before – the one where the white picket fence of illusion and fantasy simply do not add up to the reality I exist in.

And here I cry, here I mourn for what was – for what could have been – for what my imagination told me. It is here I realize that life has different plan, that my souls lessons are more complicated – or perhaps, just different that I expected. It is here I crumble in tears with a deeply broken heart for I know I have 2 choices:

1.     Hustle for your approval at the expense of what I know to be right for my soul. I know I would find a sense of peace in this choice for this has always been a comfortable choice for me.

Or

2.     Find strength in my own heart to know that my heart is worthy of assertiveness, even if you do not like me. Find the strength in my heart to understand that even if you do not like me – it will not change my love for you.

Just because I love you, does not mean that I have to sacrifice me. I can love you and me at the same time, and when I feel that my soul is not being loved or held in the manor of care a soul deserves then I know I must call on boundaries and know that self-protection is a must.

As I get older, I find that I dance to the beat of my own drummer more than I ever have as a youth and a child. I have always known that I am different, but I have never known how to truly honour that drummer in my soul – I have always wanted to walk my own walk, but I never knew how. Well, today I know how and nothing can stop me or veer me off of my course for I believe in the depths of my soul that my life is on track.

Although there are elements that I am mourning, that deeply hurt my heart -- I have to find the strength to let go of and the faith to know that all things that are meant to come back.

I know I have been better off for the journey I have been on. I cannot change how I have acted in my past, nor the drama that I engaged in. I cannot change the words I have said before, or the actions that have hurt the humans I love.

But I can say with certainty now, that I am a better woman today.