january journal, entry {three}

Well it's the sixth of January and I am only on entry three but I won't apologize to myself for this as much of the work I have been doing over these past few days has been the work of shedding tears and showing up to the truths of self in places I am resisting and then bowing down in humility to surrender to what is. 

It's not fucking easy, but it certianly necessary. 

It's funny; I've worked so hard over the past five years at gaining a sense of what my soul needs -- what my heart needs in terms of self-care. I have hunkered down and looked in the mirror and got super still in the quiet moments to listen to the faintest of whispers from the deepest places within myself as to what it is that my soul needs to feel grounded and cared for. 

I had no idea when I started this work where it would take me. 

I had no idea the layers I had to look at; the forgiveness I would have to encounter or the sheer build up of resentment and anger that I carried around like a ball and chain. I was essentially a prisoner in my own skin and I didn't even know it. 

The early days of looking at self were painstakingly hard, I loathed who I was and I hated every ounce of my being. I was, to be honest, embarrassed to be me. I was embarrassed at where my life was and I had no idea how to find peace let alone figure how how to honour self, I had no fucking clue who I was. 

But, moment by moment and day by day I simply showed up and I did what I was told. I incorporated gratitude as a daily practice and I worked hard and rekindling a relationship with Spirit. For many moons -- even after I had rekindled that relationship -- I didn't want to talk about it out loud for my clients or for the world. 

Things are so different now.

I can no longer deny what it is that I need for when I fail to show up for self I fall into whacky depression and darkness. I know not all the people need the diligence that I do in terms of self-care and for that I felt resentful for a long time. How come the rest of the world doesn't have to care like I do? How come they are sane when they eat whatever they want? How come they don't need to go to therapy and journal and pray and take precise measures to maintain balance? How come no one gets me? Why me. 

It took a long time to stop looking outward and comparing myself to my own perceived ideas of what other humans required and surrender into what IS. "This is the reality Kori, take it or leave it -- but it's not changing. You have two choices, a) learn to live with it; to surrender into it and find grace in it or b) fight it and battle for the rest of your life. This is your existence and it is what it fucking is.

Surrender was a tough one for me, admitting that I did not know all of the answers for my life and learning to lean into Spirit was a fucking battle. But when I did it, when I finally "let go and let God" things started to work. I didn't do it becasue I had a miraculous eye opening experience, I did it four years ago becasue I was fucking exhausted and my life was simply not working. I had to do something different if I were to survive -- legit, it was that serious. 

I am so glad for my path and for the darkness I have encountered for it has brought me to where I am at. 

I have opened my eyes to the next layer that I am working on -- the layer of addiction. And here again, I find myself in a place of humility and surrender; a place where I have no choice but to lean on Spirit and move forward with grace (and alot of tears). I have no choice (if I was to be radiantly well, and I do) but too (once again) do what I am told by humans that have travelled this path, to lean in on the tribe that 'get's me' and to get down on my knees once again and pray the good prayer. Of course, I do have a choice -- but falling prey to dimming my potential is no longer an option in my life. I am here to shine and fuck, i'm going to shine damnit. 

One day I will share my alcohol story however it wont be today as I don't even know what it is yet. It's still all so new and shocking. And to be honest, relieving. It's a true relief to have gotten to a place where I have had the courage to be honest with self and also the courage to be honest with the people that "get me" and it's been a great joy to share this journey with you who reads these words. I am amazed and humbled at the emails of "me too" that I have received and the support -- the sheer love and unconditional support.

Its a beautiful thing this whole human experience.

Three years ago an awareness like I am having now would have shattered me into darkness. I had little coping tools in navigating this sort of heavy terrain. Today it feels different. I am content, I feel grounded and I feel humility; today it is much easier for me to bow down and admit that I know not what the answers are for my life. It is easier to receive help.  I am no longer embarrassed by my shadow and in fact I have no issue bringing my wounds into light, sharing them with the world and giving them a big bad ass hug. 

I am healing. 

I will always be healing and always be doing the work I need to do to remain sane. People may not get that -- I know you whacko's like me get it (and I say that with total cheeky playfulness) -- but it ceases to be a matter of comparing my life to someone else's; my needs to someone else's. I know me today and I know what I need, the experiment is over and the work in undeniable. There are elements of that I curse at in moments, but over all I feel so fucking glad to be doing this work.

Truly, I mean that.