january journal, entry {two}

Coming to terms with parts of life is just plain hard -- I don't have to like the realities, but I do -- if I want peace (and I do) -- have to find a way to surrender into what IS. That's the art of life, isn't it? Being able to open our hearts to what IS rather than clinging to what we think 'ought to be'. Fuck it can be a challenge, hey? 

How often in life do we find ourselves banging on a door that has been closed as if to barter with life proclaiming that we 'know better'. What a waste of energy, truly. But I can see why we do it; why I do it. Control. Forgetting that there is a bigger plan. Forgetting to trust. Living in tomorrow and forgetting the simple and tender moments at hand -- living in the right here and right now. 

As always, I am learning about self and yet again I find myself in a place of tender self-reflection. Its a mix of relief and denial. Excitement and fear. I feel resistant and ready all at once. These moments of humbling self-awareness used to break me down; they felt like massive blows to the head with a bucket of rocks -- this time feels really different. I feel almost like the place where I am at feels like a 'long time coming' and due to the recent work over the past 4 years of rekindling my relationship with spirit and with self, I feel just a little more at peace. 

Still scared. 

Still feeling tinges of absolute denial. 

Still embarrassed and in shock and all the rest. 

But I feel humbled and and open and ready to receive what my soul is here to do -- ready to be of service and ready to own my shit. 

No more running or hiding or numbing. 

I don't have a whole lot to say today; mostly I am just in a place of really intentional surrender. I am in a place of listening to the deep voice within and overriding the busy nonsensical noise of the brain -- the noise that is denial and ego.

I feel very grateful to walk this journey and I feel absolutely humbled at the emails of "me too" and "i love you"'s and such profound and unconditional support.

So, thank YOU. Thank you for walking this human path with me -- I am convinced, more now than ever before, in the healing power of tribe and story telling.