matters of the {heart}

i learn alot about the matters of the heart as i get older and continue showing up daily for the work my soul has to do. there has been incredible sadness bubbling up in my heart for a long time now; at therapy 10 days ago it all surfaced in what felt like a dark explosion of uncontrollable sadness. i knew something was off kilter for a while but what showed up in my reality was so dark and so overwhelming that i could barley hold it together. 

apparently PTSD has shown up in my life -- i don't always love to name things and label them, but i find this fascinating and interesting, just when we think we have forgiven something in our lives - it resurfaces. the heart works at her own speed, she does not abide to the timelines and agendas we set out for her. i have been working really hard on a book of my past relationship experience and my entry into the dark night of the soul -- it's much harder to write than i could ever have imagined. part of what is making it so unbelievable hard is recounting the story that i lived and starting to be able to see the true danger i was in. i didn't know it when i was in the story, but looking back it throws a wrench into my heart for the sheer pain and suffering my soul was in. it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that the story i am writing is not only a true story but that it is my story.  trauma, that is the only word i can use to describe this chapter. 

it wasn't just the "ptsd" that contributed to my breaking heart, there was more -- some of the things in my life i could clearly identify and others that were invisible and illusive. all i knew for sure was that my heart was broken and loneliness and isolation had completely taken over. i felt like the only human who understood me was my therapist and i wanted to itch and scratch my way of the pain and broken-ness of it all. i rationalized it, overthought it and asked my therapist over and over again: "WHY". why is this back? why me? how can this have overtaken me? how am i right back to where i was so many dark moons ago? didn't i already do this work?

he reminded me firmly and gently that the question of "why" was 100% the wrong place to focus, the only job i have is to stick with the feeling - with the experience. and so i did. for me it looks like this: falling to the floor in uncontrollable sobbing sessions, pages and pages and pages of journal entries, a plethora of dark instagram posts, connecting to my clients and girlfriends, prayer -- so much prayer, wine, running, tears and more tears and more and more and more and MORE tears. i held a few souls really close and i tried to ride the wave as my heart shattered into a thousand pieces and i questioned my sanity and wondered -- just like i used too -- if i would make it out alive.  

i am continually humbled and totally amazed at the capacity of the human heart -- our ability to feel as human beings is astronomical. my heart often feels like alice in wonderlands deep, dark, infinite rabbit hole. i know there are many people who see the rabbit hole straight into lightness and there are those of us that tend to gravitate (not always by choice) to darkness. i am one of those humans that has an intense ability to dive into the seat of darkness. 

but here is the thing i have learned about darkness. darkness holds a divine and powerful secret that can only be found in darkness. we are so conditioned to believe that darkness should be avoided, that darkness is bad and that we should override it with a "happy thought". we are a society of humans who have been taught that there is only one side of our human experience that is to be desired -- what a shame. darkness is not a sign of being broken and when we are in this place there is no rushing through it. our hearts process emotions on her own timeline; we can-not-rush-it. period. we have to sit in it and know with all faith that it will pass and that we are worthy and beautiful not in spite of the darkness, but becasue of our enormous and infinite ability to sit in it and care tenderly and softly for our inner wounded warrior. 

darkness hurts. the way our heart process our own unique human experiences can be slow and ridiculous painful, but it is through this processing and the cracking open of the heart that we are able to shine a brighter and more beautiful light on this planet. the matters of the heart is not a liner journey, it is a journey of diving deeply into the seat of our soul and when we are there it can feel like we are taking steps backwards; that it only the view point from the position we stand in when we are in this tumultuous place. You are not moving backwards but simply moving deeper and deeper and deeper and with each layer of depth you expand the ability of your heart to feel immense and beautiful human experience. this, my beautiful human friends is the process of evolution and forgiveness and self-compassion and self-knowing.

this is the divine walk of the brave warriors. 

so, for you who's heart feels like it is shattered into an uncountable number of pieces, to the ones who don't know if you can hold on much longer... this is for you. you are whole. you are beautiful. it is in your pain that you will find great stability and unbelievable faith. as my therapist reminds me over and over and in turn i remind my clients over and over: our job is to sit with the feeling -- to be with the experience -- nothing more. just hold your heart and feel all the feels and i promise you that you will be amazed at the healing of this simple (but oh-so-fucking-hard) process. 

you got this. try to surrender, life is speaking to you if you would only slow down and get quiet and listen. you are not broken but beautiful, complex and connected -- try to remember that.

i love you.

also: for those of you with the incredible capacity to feel darkness and human emotion -- THANK YOU for being my space holder these past few weeks. i have needed you. thank you for your unconditional love, for never assuming that due to darkness that i am broken and for seeing my enormous capacity to feel. my eyes have been very, very sad (as you can see in my pictures) but my soul has been shedding layers and creating more space for my human self to exist. THANK YOU.... just.... THANK YOU.

darkness is not weak. darkness and the capacity to sit with our human hearts with acceptance is the bravest thing on earth.