mother self {before} mothering the world

This has been a week of unfathomable darkness -- not only for me, but in what I have witnessed and seen in others. From broken hearts, to all-encompassing addictions, to the sheer isolation that boundaries have caused my own heart. I have encountered a few words that humans have spoken about me that have hurt me to my core. I have witnessed a few of my closest loved ones move through shattered hearts, and it is hard not to shatter along-side of them.

It is hard to see darkness and not want to take it on. It is soul-wrenching to watch the ones you love hurt.

I had an encounter with addiction this week that rattled me to the core of who I am. It broke my spirit for a moment in time and had me numbly staring into the abyss of space wondering how on earth life can be so damn unfair and so painful. It was darkness at it’s finest, and after I had glympsed into what this human's world was like I wondered, truly, if darkness does in fact scare me. I have prided myself on the fact that “your darkness does not scare me”, and after this moment in my week I sat on my living room floor in sobbing tears wondering how and why the world must be so unjust. Why the humans here have to hurt so deeply. How our paths can be so fiercely difficult. I wondered honestly if I was equipped for the path I am on, if I am in fact equipped for the stories that people share with me.

There is another human(s) in my life who is experiencing a bad case of a very, very broken heart and this person(s) is close enough to me that I can not help but feel the pain. I can not help but walk away and shed a few tears. I can not help but sit in prayer and wonder how it has to be so hard.

How come learning lessons can’t come from eating sweets and drinking colas? Where are the unicorns and leprechauns and rainbows? Why is joy sometimes so out of reach? How come it has to hurt so bad? Why do we have to wait until crisis hits before we seem to be able to look in the mirror and accept that change must occur, that life has a bigger plan for us?

And then it hits me like a meteorite hits the earth:

THERE IS DIVINITY IN THE DARKNESS.

That is one of my most core-est of core beliefs in this life.

We are in fact capable as humans beings of facing the shit storm that has arisen in our lives and moving through it. There is nourishment in the darkest moments that only the darkest moments can teach us. There is a deep whisper in the crevices of the soul that offer us comfort and clues and moments of clarity that only those dark spaces can offer. The darkness is not something to avoid, suppress or run from. It is a deeply uncomfortable space that is yearning for us to surrender, let-go and learn to listen. The discomfort of the soul swamps can be a place of rest and deep solitude rejuvenation.

At yoga last night I layed on my matt and I wanted to cry all of the tears that have been trapped in my soul. I wanted to release al of the hurt I am feeling, all of the wounds I am absorbing from others and all the old wounds that I am dragging around like heavy luggage.

l e t   i t   g o.  

I wanted to weep. Beneath the need to weep I could hear a voice that whispered with conviction:

“this is good for you kori, come to the matt more often. self-care. take time for you”

And I came home and I realized this:

I adore holding space for humans to show up and be human, I always have. I see that fact that you share your most intimate and dark details with me to be a great gift. Nothing brings me more fullness than witnessing what it is like for you to be human. I love your darkness. I love watching you sit in it, feel it and bravely face it. I love your trust in me and I love the connection we have as souls who have hurt, souls who have grown and suffered and evolved and picked up all the pieces of our shattered selves. I love that. I am deeply, deeply grateful for that.

And

Sometimes in this space holding space, I forget who I am. I forget to self-care first and foremost. I forget one of my other most core beliefs: Selfishness is the 1st step to self-love.

Another meteorite moment: 

my therapists voice in my ear saying, "You Must Learn To Mother Yourself Before You Can Mother The World" 

My job as a coach, friend, family member, mentor, and human is simply to hold space for you to be you. My job is to know where I end and you begin through healthy boundaries. You do not need fixing, you are already fucking wonderful -- flaws and all. Heart ache and addiction and all. You are worthy, no matter what you did or didn't do. You are already enough. Also, arguably the most important fact here is that YOU ARE CAPABLE OF MOVING THROUGH YOUR LIFE. You are, you really are! That is wonderful and fantastic news.

The darkness is potentially uncomfortable and it can take our breathe away. It can cause us to leave our hearts and get busy in our brains, it can be confusing and hopeless. It can hurt -- alot. It can feel unmanageable and overwhelming. But you should definitely know, that with the right support and a willingness to surrender there can be magic and hope found in those darkest moments.

And as for the hurt that I have personally felt this week both in taking others pain on (my bad!) and upholding boundaries that I have for my well-being (which has left me feeling very isolated on alot of levels) I have a mantra that my Aunt continues to remind me:

NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS.

Not all the humans will like me and they certainly will not love my boundaries. That's ok, I will be me anyway and I will continue to uphold the boundaries I have set up for myself. The way I operate today is not how I have operated for alot of my life, I am a new version of Kori, and it will take not only other humans time to get used to - but also, myself. I will practice forgiveness daily -- forgiveness of that which has hurt me, and forgiveness of myself. Over and over and over again. And I will sit in prayer each day both in the floor with my crystal bowl and sage, and on my matt in yoga.

For me, Self-Care is #1. For me self-Mothering is at the top of my list. 

When I care for me, I am better at holding space for you. And I am glad to hold space -- because I believe wholeheartedly that your life, in all its light and darkness is deeply divine, and utterly beautiful.

pic: kaihla tonai   

pic: kaihla tonai