Boundaries mean saying NO to you in order to say YES to me.
“No” is a complete sentence -- it does not require justification or explanation.
Boundaries can be very isolating; they can birth a place of deep loneliness; they require courage and unwavering self-love.
Boundaries are one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn and they continue to challenge me on a daily basis.
Boundaries give us permission to show up as we are, they are a safe container for us to speak our truths, express our emotions and stand up for our souls. They are a clear line that demands a certain level of respect from self and others. Boundaries are self-protection, self-preservation and self-love. They propel us forward. They challenge us. They hold us accountable to self. They determine the humans in our tribe – the ones that care for us deeply, the ones that are willing to go on a limb for us, the ones that offer the unconditional feels and a shoulder to cry on. Alternatively they also warn us of the humans that are not healthy for our evolution, the ones that abuse and mistreat, the ones that do not elevate us to a place of greatness.
Boundaries keep us safe.
For a long time in my life boundaries were a very foreign concept. I was an open book, I had no filter and I allowed anyone and everyone into my energetic bubble. I engaged in dysfunctional relationships, conversations and interactions on a regular basis. I hustled for others approval day in and day out. I cared deeply about others opinions over my life and misconstrued their approval for my worth. I fought for my worth in the forms of winning arguments or being right. I didn’t know how to say “NO”. I didn’t know hot NOT to engage in volatile conversations; walking away from mistreatment eluded my conscious mind. I needed the last word.
I had humans in my life that also didn’t understand boundaries, and it would manifest in their angry outbursts of words and cruel statements being energetically dumped onto me. Some of these were the humans that were ‘supposed’ to be a safe space, the leaders, the role models and the family members. In turn I took my wounded heart that carried other’s burden and I would outburst onto the next passing shame from one to the next to the next.
I didn’t understand where I ended and others began. I took on others problems as if they were my own. I did know how to allow others to live their own lives and learn their own lessons. I gravitated towards fixing, controlling, worrying and fretting about…. everything.
I didn’t know how to keep my issues my own, I also didn’t know how to let others have and feel their own issues. My idea of ME and YOU resembled a static, murky, cloudy mess.
Saying “NO” felt yucky and uncomfortable. I felt the need to justify a NO, or to explain or make an excuse. I felt bad to use the word “NO”.
Learning boundaries was uncomfortable to say the least, and I still feel a little like a baby deer with wobbly legs when it comes to boundaries. It is still messy for me, and I still find it deeply isolating. In fact, to be perfectly honest – I have found the whole process of self-growth deeply isolating. I felt alone before I started my process and there are now elements of my life that I feel even more alone in, however I feel a deeper sense of self-love and fierce self-care. The relationships that have lasted these self-changes are stronger and more fulfilling. Some of the relationships I have had to say good-bye to were based on my boundaries and understand what is no longer serving me – what is no longer healthy.
I have had to place specific focus on distancing myself from people, places and things that no longer feel like a clean source of energy or relationship. Sometimes the ending of relationships in my life has been based on gut feelings and how my heart feels around the particular relationship and I have chosen to walk away or create distance merely out of my need to be whole, to breathe fully and to be seen and heard. I have had to put my foot down when humans are walking all over me; equally I have chosen to create a firm “NO” when it comes to food and substances that are no longer serving me, elevating me or uplifting me.
Humans dumping their shit on me is not ok anymore. (also it is not ok for me to be the 'dumper' on anyone else!!)
It is not ok to tell me off via a text message.
Name-calling is absolute grounds for walking away.
Abuse is no longer tolerated.
Saying NO to you to take time for me is ok. I do not need to explain myself.
Too much wine no longer works with my body, NO is perfectly sufficient answer to that 3rd glass.
Choosing not to collaborate with humans that give me a bad gut-feeling is ok.
Deleting a human on Facebook is allowed.
This life is not about pleasing all the other humans – it is about deeply respecting the human that YOU are, right now.
Saying “NO” is ok.
“NO” is a complete sentence.
Not all the humans will agree with a boundary you set – it doesn’t matter, the boundary is for you and your wellbeing. No one knows what you need like you do. Sometimes our lives require space, or more time alone, or perhaps more time with a specific human or a circumstance – in order to create the space for the things we need, we must cultivate the ability to say no to other things – you can not do it all.
Healthy humans learn to communicate their needs. They learn to say both a firm “YES”, and a firm “NO”.
In order to stand up in this world as your unique self with a set of self-loving tools the dynamics of the cosmic web require that we say yes to certain things and a non-negotiable “NO” to others. It requires that we learn what our unique set of self-care needs looks like. Who elevates you? What environment do you thrive in? What depletes you? What do you need more of? What is no longer working for you? Can you practice the art of saying “NO”?
You are worthy of boundaries. You are worthy is saying “NO”; you owe nobody an explanation. It is safe to be powerful – you are beautiful when you are powerful. You are a divine leader when you are able to honor your self and your souls callings. The Universe needs you to step up and shine fucking bright!! It is your divine right to shine-on, and life needs that’s from you. Only YOU can do YOU.
Boundaries are freedom.
Boundaries are self-love.