I am sitting here at Weeds Coffee Shop in total awe at life this morning. I'm speechless as to some of the events that have occurred not only this morning but the synchronicity that I have been experiencing over the past few days -- it's mind blowing. After I finish this journal post, I am going to spend my day studying plants and nutrition as that is exactly what grounds me -- and grounding is what I need right now.
There is an intelligence that rules this life -- it makes sperm and egg meet and form baby; it makes seasons change; it make cells divide and peristalsis begin with the sight of food; it attracts people together to fall in love; it causes the phone to ring after someone you have not thought of for many moons to suddenly appears in a dream or your line of thinking -- seemingly at random.
Control is an illusion. period.
We can show up in our lives and give it our all and we should show up with full capacity -- but ultimately we are not in control. Its this wold balance of being fully present and giving it our all and simultaneously staying humble and open and in the deepest state of surrender. People die, move on, change -- economies crash and wars breakout -- we loose jobs and run into the most peculiar people and the most seemingly coincidental time. There is an undeniable intelligence of which the cosmic whole is made of -- and we are a fundamental part of the weaving of this fabric.
For about three weeks now I have been relatively buried in doubt -- it has not consumed me or caused me to fall off balance, amazingly, but it is there and has been strong. Doubt towards relationships in my life, doubt towards my business and my abilities to do what I want to do, doubt towards the world and a positive outcome -- fear, grief, worry, doubt, uncertainty.
I have been practicing staying radically still and feeling all of the feels I feel. I have dove into "boring" and also sobriety to increase my abilities to stay connected to self. I am not running away from a damn thing that I feel all the while I am practicing staying keenly awake at the wheel. My morning ritual has shifted to include a prayer each morning that goes like this, "Universe, please open my heart and expand my life and purpose to be of service. Please have me do as you would have me do and say as you would have me say -- I am willing to show up and listen." Many days have been bombarded with doubt -- wondering of people I love will leave my life, wondering if the world is going to break out in chaos and wondering if I will ever make a successful career at what I am doing. Each time this fear arises, I sit with it. I look at it and I remember with all of my fierceness that life has a plan.
I'm starting to learn when it is time to let go, when the work has been done and the drama does not need to be re-entered. I am learning that regardless of who stays or who leaves in my life -- no matter how much I love them, I will be ok. I am practicing and learning the value of unshakable self-connection. Life has been a storm and somehow -- for the first time in my existence -- I have actually maintained being the eye, the calm centre.
There have been a bewildering number of odd coincidence that have occurred in my existence over the past 2 weeks -- none of which have brought me wealth or ease or an escape from how I feel -- but all of which have spoken to me on a deep level -- a level that today is saying "it's going to be ok."
IT'S GOING TO BE OK.
An incident happened at my home the other night at 4am -- an incident that has had me increase my level of safety in my home. An incident that has had me meet my neighbours and also take OCD style precautionary measures when I left the house this morning. I went to start my car -- but just before I did that, I went around the house and locked up (I know, normal people lock up... I never have -- I usually just bless things in white light and off I go) this morning I shut and locked the windows, I locked the doors, I shut the blinds and I headed out to start my car with the intention of running in to pack my computer, grab my reishi elixir and my chia pudding and head out for the morning to get some writing done.
The car was started and when I ran back in it had become clear to me that I had locked myself out. Fuck. My phone was inside as was my wallet and my computer -- I could not call anyone. I walked around the house to see if I could get in, or get my brother to help me break in -- but it was all carefully locked. I thought about running to visit Kelsey and have her make calls for me or let me email my landlord who would have a key. As I sat in the car and prayed for guidance I remembered a lock smith place near my house. I have driven past this place numerous times the past few weeks and for some reason it stands out in my mind. Usually I would be so panicked and pissed of and worried with a situation like this. But this morning I chose to say -- the universe is conspiring, go with the flow with the flow Kori -- stay awake and watch this unfold.
So, I headed to the locksmith place -- unsure if this was a service that they would do. When I walked up to the door, it was locked -- however it was the EXACT time they were opening and someone came to the door. They told me they would send someone in 30 min. I put my hands in my winter pocket and I had literally the exact amount of change I needed for a coffee -- so I headed to P&S and grabbed a coffee. When I got back to my home the lock smith pulled up at the exact same time of my arrival. It was 9am. He picked the lock for 39 minutes. As he picked it we chatted about holistic nutrition, Chinese medicine and eating right for your blood type. The lock was not budging. He said that the next step would be to drill the handle off of the door which would be a big bill and would leave me with a handle-less door -- he decided to continue picking the lock. 39 minutes in, a car pulled up and parked across the street and I kid you not, out walked my Landlord.
Locksmith: "what is your landlord doing here?"
Me: "I have no fucking clue, but thank god."
The landlord tells me he was in the hood and wanted to come and check on me after the previous nights incidence -- pulls out a key, lets me -- the locksmith charges me zero dollars and says to bring the guys some coffee next time I am in.
Just like that -- a serious of fucking whacky miracles unfold and I am feeling left in pure awe. Pure, fucking awe.
I'm practicing letting spirit take over my life. I am practicing staying grounded, awake and self-caring all the while giving up control. I am showing up with all of my mite, I am doing my work as diligently as I can but I am now also allowing my life to be divinely guided. It is such a new place for me to surrender in the sense that good or perceived bad may be the outcome -- but either way, I feel ok.
Right now, I feel like it will be ok. Right now I feel centred even though life is a fucking chaotic mess at times -- I know with all my heart that the force that makes a reishi grow is the very force that wakes me up each day and i trust that force with every ounce of my being.
And so it fucking is. AMEN.