november journal, entry {eleven}

Sometimes it feels like all I report on this journal is my sadness -- but then, it is a journal. These days a part of my mind tells me to "tone it down", talk about something else, perhaps even silently sit back and process my emotions on my own and not bog the world down -- after all, not all the people will like it and I might loose some relationships. 

There is real elements in that that scare me -- there are humans in my life that I do not want to loose and a part of my wiring (ego wiring) that want to hustle and have all the people like me. I thought about just using my journal. I thought about trying to put a smile on and stop feeling all the feels I feel. I thought about trying to work on characteristics that are easier for others -- including myself -- to be around. 

Yes, I thought about it. 

I thought about it hard. 

And here is my conclusion: fuck that. 

I abandoned self once upon a time and I will never fucking do that again -- even if it means I loose some of the humans in my life, even if it means that my soul feels intensely heavy at times and I feel plagued with alone-ness. I will never leave my side again. When I abandoned self many moons ago I fell pray to the darkness of life -- not the "let's explore and find the divinity in darkness, darkness" but the "evil, self loathing, disconnected darkness". I didn't know then how to honour my body, I didn't know then how to honour my emotions or take care of self. I hated who I was. I hated my body, my mind, my interests, my nose, my goals, my thought processes, my relationships, my dwelling place on the globe, the food I ate, the lessons I learned -- I hated it all. I was uncomfortable and itchy and in those days I was ready to compromise anything in order to feel accepted. I had no fucking clue who I was nor did I understand how magnificent I was. 

That chapter of my life nearly killed me and if there was one thing -- one golden nugget I took away it was that my sole job on this planet, my number one job, is self-care. It is the guiding post of my life these days; life can fall to shreds (as it seems to be now for so many of us) and discomfort and insecurity and doubt can take over -- and somehow through the ritual of self-care and the desire for self-knowing, I remain grounded in the centre of it -- the eye of the storm. 

There are a few other things I have learned that are really anchoring my roots these days.

My heart is intensely heavy these days -- perhaps its the collective pain? the global worry? the full moon? the personal journey I am on? the health journey I am on? past life stuff? who knows. All I know for sure is that I am carrying lemon balm tinctures around with me everywhere I go as an antidote for the sick anxiety that bubbles in my core. I am breaking down in tears throughout the day. Self-doubt is following me like a shadow cast at noon. I feel worried and scared and overwhelmed for so many reasons. My sleep is intensely disturbed and my body is going through some sort of a wild "healing crisis" as I venture into the core of what my body-symptoms are trying to communicate with me. Oh yeah -- I am also 44 days sober, feeling every fucking thing that is arising and also choosing not to self-destruct via replacing alcohol with anything else to numb the pain. 

I have chosen to sit here. I have chosen to be radically still and allow this discomfort to ride over me like a wave -- and I am choosing not to "scratch the itch".

Fuck it's hard. 

I could feel the way I feel for in infinite number of reasons -- the brain loves to analyze and try to "make sense of", you know, try to say that x is causing y and if only z could be implemented bliss would be attained. Find the equation of happiness, search for it, hunt it, make fucking sense of the discomfort. 

I am learning that emotions are like wild horses -- they arise and the wreak havoc and they eb and flow and come and go -- all the while, this is happening for infinite number of reasons and contrary to popular belief, our job is not to analyze and understand how point a matches point b -- no, our job is to allow; to surrender; to see and observe -- with compassion -- the places that we are at without the need to label and "fix". Our job is to bare witness to the experience we are having as human beings, to ride the wave and create a ritual of deep, tender, nourishing self-care as we go along. We are not broken, we do not need "fixing", we feel how we feel for a reason and when we learn to honour that, without labeling it, we learn to listen to self on a level that is so subtle and so deep and truly so life-transforming. 

My heart is heavy today -- I know there are an infinite number of "why's" -- my ego loves the "why's", loves to kick my ass over the reality of how I feel. However, when I get still and call on self-compassion and surrender, the "why" becomes less of the focus and the simple need to self-care takes priority. It doesn't matter why I feel how I feel today -- what matters is that I tend to the feeling of broken-hearted heaviness. 

The antidote looks different depending on the emotion that arises -- depending on what the wild horse whispers in our ear. The act of self-care and self-nourishment can rage from art to running to orgasm to cooking to being brave and bold to.. to... to.. -- it's also infinite. The most unproductive means of honouring our emotions is to label, blame, point fingers, suppress, num, hide, escape, ignore ... you get the idea. 

I have learned that self-care is our priority and that the relationship with self must be number one. I have learned that emotions arise for infinite reasons and thus our job is to honour not judge and thirdly I have learned that there is nothing fucking wrong with the shadow side of human-ness. 

The heart is heavy. That is ok. The feeling of anxiety, sadness, lost'ness, depression arrises -- that is ok. The feelings we have come and go and neither are to be more favoured than the other. I am so exhausted to hear the need and pressure for us to be "happy all the damn time" -- we are not, it is unrealistic -- we are beautiful and magnificent and complicated creates with a full pallet of feels -- why cling to one colour when we can truly experience the rainbow? 

There is divinity in our darkest hours. There is a lesson that only the darkness can teach -- a lesson that is subtle and profound and just as beautiful as the lessons that are acquired from the brightest of moments. Finding divinity in our darkness requires us to allow the emotions we have to arise and to speak to us. It requires that we learn to lean into the pain and listen with all of our mite to the utter subtle vibrations and lessons she speaks to us. It requires us to sit radically still in the face of discomfort -- not still in the sense that we are frozen and incapable of action and self care -- but radically still in the sense that we sit eye-to-eye with the truth of our lives, our relationships, our feelings, our health -- our truth. This is the path of the warrior -- this is the journey into the seat of the heart -- this is the recipe to self-care and the commitment to never-ever abandoning self again.

So, yes. My heart is heavy. Yes, the ego wants me to shove it down and hustle for approval -- hustle for the goal of "being easier to be around" -- but I am calling on the lessons I know without a doubt in my heart:

1. Self-Care as priority -- I am me and I will always be fierce in my authenticity; abandoning self will never be an option for me again. 

2. Honouring my emotions without labeling them -- I am not fucking broken just becasue I feel a whole lot; I do not know where or why these feels came from nor do I know how long they will be here ... I will not numb or hide from them or pretend they do not exist. My job is simply to care for them -- to stay awake at the wheel and to honour where I am currently at. 

3. There is nothing wrong with feeling how I feel. I am a capable and loving human being who is experiencing heart heaviness  -- and that is ok. I know this will pass -- it always does -- in the meantime I honour where I am at with bold compassion and out-loud authenticity in the hopes that those of you who read this know with all of your heart that you are exactly where you need to be. Your emotions are real. You are not broken nor are you too deep or too much. I honour how you feel. I honour your darkness and your light -- I honour the fast that you keep on showing up to dig deep and dive hard into your own human experience.

Damn -- our world needs more like you.

I love you.  

Here is my Self-Care plan for the day:

- shower, sage and cuddle the dogs

- go to P&S and write blog 

- yoga 

- visit dad's grave 

- food craft and read some grounding plant medicine books 

- call on self-compassion each time i take my lemon balm and red raspberry leaf tea 

- visit the light cellar aka: my sanctuary to talk to some plants 

more on self-care...