november journal, entry {four}

These days I have moments of feeling like I am just a little too much; a little too emotional and a little to opinionated -- maybe I swear to much. I'm too serious, too deep and not enough fun. I'm not laid back enough -- or, even at all. I feel at times that I dream to big and care too deep. I worry that the sorrow of the world will choke me and that I spend to much time diving into the corners of my soul for the purposes of self-knowing. Maybe self-knowing is too important to me. Some moments I feel like a bull in a china shop -- a pretty face with a big annoying mouth. Sometimes I think my emotionality and need to talk things through makes others squirm; my presence makes others uncomfortable. I don't take things lightly -- I'm too much, too intense; too troubled. Sometimes I feel too type A, too high strung, too driven; too heart centred.

I feel it all. I feel everything. I feel every ounce of emotion from every cell and every single fucking memory in my body. I feel the trees -- I feel the crippling sadness of Mother Earth as she desperately tries to warn us that we have gone to far.  I feel the stories of the humans of the world -- I feel the emotions of a room of people and I carry tenderly and heavily the emotions of the ones I hold closest to my heart. I cry with my clients; I don't think there is one that has not seen me share the burden of their sorrow with them. I choose not to watch the news for it feels like I am a part of the crime scene -- sometimes I can not separate my feels from the feels of the whole world. 

I feel every fucking thing.

I take none of my days lightly -- it all feels intense to me. Working out evokes emotions, deep conversation evoke emotions, playing with my dogs and doing back bend in yoga evoke emotions. I worry about the world. I feel touched to my core when I see acts of love and kindness; I celebrate with immensity and emotion when I see our world take a step forward. I hug over handshake; I choose heart to heart connection over surface level conversation; I could stair the graveyard and contemplate the trees and all they sadness and emotion and stories they have witness in their life time for hours upon hours.

Maybe I should try to be more fun, more laid back, quieter, more neutral, more light hearted, more indifferent, calm or emotionless. Maybe my presence would be an easier pill to swallow? Maybe I would keep more friends, piss less people off, hurt no beating hearts, engage in less intense conversations, feel more neutral to the unjust acts in this world and have less humans walk out?

Maybe. 

There have been days -- many of them -- that I did choose to shrink down; numb out and run away. Perhaps they are right -- maybe I am too intense, too loud and relationships with me are simply 'too much work'. Maybe my mere opinions are too 'out there'; maybe I should bow down with the masses and go with the flow like "a good girl is supposed to do". The days I shut down and shut up I lost myself. I lost my shine, my drive, my will. I lost my voice my desire to care and a became a mere echo of the woman I am here to be. I hustled for the approval of those that treated me like garbage and I believed it when i was told that I was "useless" and "worthless". I shut my mouth when I wanted to speak up for fear of sounding stupid; I held back tears and suppressed anger; I denied my faith and spirituality and I quit sharing my most heart felt moments because they world didn't seem to like it and for some reason having the world approve of me felt easier. 

It was the furthest thing from easy. I was in total denial of my authentic self and at inner war with my own body and being. I struggled with eating disorders; I hated my body; I thought I was ugly; I drank way too much to black out and forget; I did too many drugs to black out and forget; I had un-dealt with rage that manifested at anger, hot temper and distance; I was unable to connect on a deep level with people and I knew nothing of what my soul was about. I had no idea how to self care and to be frank, I was scared of myself. I was lost. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing and I was scared shitless on a moment-to-moment basis that my life was an actual waste -- that I would never measure up. I compared myself. I had high and unattainable standards for self which left me in a perpetual state of failure. I tried to be something I wasn't. I tried to be laid back, light hearted and not-intense. 

I suppressed it all too fit in. I denied it all for the approval of others so that I could feel like I was easy to be around. I viewed my intensity as a weakness, my loud voice as a curse and my sensitive heart as a handicap. 

That was then and this is now; today I love those traits about me. Intense? yes. Passionate? absolutely. emotional? oh fuck yeah. Yes I am opinionated. No I am not very laid back as much as I wish I was. Yes I care an intense amount and yes I will stand up with all of my mite for my own heart and the beating hearts of the humans that need standing up for. 

I will never shut up again. I will never deny self and abandon my soul again; it is non negotiable. 

Yes I am loud and I may never learn to quiet my voice. I am vulnerable and open and I wear my heart out loud on my sleeve. I share my story. I am not afraid of my shadow nor am I afraid to expose my weakest parts to the world. I take time to process information and my heart bruises easily. 

Yes, I can work on more laughter. Yes, I can certianly work on more forgiveness and letting go. Yes, I can climb out of the intellectual world I love to reside in to get back into my body and into light hearted conversation. 

But I can say with certainty that loosing intensity and emotionality will never fucking happen. I was born like this. I tried to kill this part of me and in turn -- ironically -- I fell in love with part of me. I will never shrink to make another human comfortable simple becasue my presence is "too much" and "too emotional". I am opinionated. I say no. I have boundaries and if crossed, I will speak up. I will use my voice for the things that matter to my heart: like Mother Earth and human rights.

Think I am too emotional? I don't give a shit.

Think I swear too much? Stop reading my words.

Think my brightly shining soul is a threat? Too bad, I am not dimming my light, you will simply have to shine brighter. We are all in this world too take up space, too make a difference, to play a role in the great cosmic whole. 

I will never abandon self again. 

I will speak my truth. I will say as many fuck's as I want. I will stand up for the voiceless. I will cry in public; I will talk about vaginas and masturbation and human rights and women's empowerment until the day I die. "I am an emotional being" as Eve Ensler so gracefully and powerfully puts it. (p.s... please click on the link and watch her Ted Talk) 

So, yes, I may be too much and too emotional and too intense. But I am me and I refuse to apologize for it. My cells ooze intensity and to be perfectly honest I love me and I am not changing or shifting or shrinking to make anyone feel comfortable. 

And guess what sisters and brothers? You shouldn't shrink either. You were born to fucking shine; so get out there and do it. 

more november journals...