november journal, entry {one}

It's hard to believe that it has been a month since starting these daily journal entries -- I did it as a simple personal challenge to show up daily to look in the mirror and get real with myself as I embarked on a month of "boring" -- a totally new way of being for me. It was healing and when I got feedback and messages from you, I realized that this medicine reaches much further than just me. 

I try to live as out loud and real as I can. I am trying hard with my own existence to bridge the gap between what shows up for self in the dark corners of the psyche and how we selectively choose to showcase only our shiny bits to the world.  It's so much pressure to be perfect and spiritual and healthy and successful and in love and confident and - and - and... What about the darker side we all hold? What about the fact that we are actually so unbelievably ordinary and ... un-special. There it is -- un-special. I remember hearing this for the first time when I studied A Course In Miracles and I thought "how fucking dare you... un-special? me? couldn't be true." But then, the older I get and the more of life's wild up's and down's I face the more I come to learn that we are all moving through the same storm; sure, it may manifest with a slightly different storyline, but at the end of the day we truly all hold both the light and sparkly side and the shadow side of self. 

I suppose it is my mission in life to be real about the shadow -- to shine light on the shadow and never feel ashamed of what it means for me to be human. We all have the shadow, wy are we so damn hell bent on pretending we don't? 

My journal entry in October on my relationship with alcohol was a huge moment in healing and realness for me -- for whatever reason it was a really hard thing for me to admit to self and even harder to say out loud out the world. I feared that I would loose credibility as a coach and a writer by sharing that side of my self, I feared you would stop liking me and that waves of hatred and judgement would flood my way. I was scared to say it out loud in case I ever decide to have wine again -- then what? It was frighting to write it and super scary to post it -- but then the magic happened... a) my heart felt lighter -- definitely tender and exposed but I felt really real ... like, really, really real. I felt like something that had been lurking in the closet and controlling my life was out in the open air and exposed and thus lost some of it's death grip. & b) the emails and messages I got from you... most saying "me too..." This whole "me too" part os what keeps me going with this medicine of writing... we are in this together -- we all have a shadow. We all have addictions and attitudes and ways of self sabotage; we all have our shit and thats a fact -- those that think they don't are lying to themselves. 

Life is about transcending the darkness. It is about seeing the shit that has settled in the crevasses and corners of our souls. It is about getting real with self and quitting the lying and romanticizing of what it means to be human. It's a hard path. Self-awareness and the journey into the seat of the soul is for the damn warriors for it is not an easy and light path. It takes dedication and realness. It takes the will to never ever -- no matter what or how hard or heartbreaking of scary -- abandon self. The journey is not about being something different or manifesting our greatest desires -- the journey is about staying awake. That is is -- keeping our souls awake and choosing to find comfort in the discomfort and non-attachment in the light and great moments of life. Being spiritual or enlightened or a self-discovering person is not a path of pretty, shiny, put-together-humans. This path is messy, heart wrenching, twisted, dark and sometimes downright frustrating. It is also rewarding, grounding, connecting and an opportunity to find a self that exists in the soul that is ... wow... what words? divine. 

Sometimes I have looked at my journey and thought "fuck, I wish I never went to therapy 4 years ago and I wish I never opened pandoras box" for once it is open the learning, forgiving and shedding is endless. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to never have opened it. I was ok then -- I saw my dads death as a "glass half full" opportunity; I saw life with a positive (to a fault) attitude; I was vision boarding and manifesting and living... just fine. I was also -- looking back -- disconnected to the opportunities of grief, I was busy hustling hard to solely expose my shiny bits and cover my shadow with all of my mite.

I was inauthentic in my living.

I was not me. 

Pandora's box has been fucked up. It's been a hard path and to be really honest -- I feel very alone in it. Not many people get me and ultimately this path -- for all who are on it -- it is lonely and isolating walk. That is the nature of it -- it is the ordinariness of it all. Sometimes I am so pissed off that I value self so much, that I will never abandon self again; sometimes I am so frustrated at how keenly aware I am when something is not right now me -- I can no longer play ignorance, my only choice is to call on courage these days and move and change and shed and let go of all that no longer serves me. 

I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I would choose this path again and again. 

But to be real and honest about it -- it pisses me off and I find it trying every single day. I think this is the true path of the warrior; the true "spiritual" path -- it's not only shiny and wonderful and pretty and motivating. It's also a big fucking pain in the ass, a lonely path, a trying experience, a frustrating battle and a try test of patience and trust. 

But, to me it is worth it.