It's been a while, journal. Sorry about that. So much has happened again -- and all so fast. But here I am -- coffee shop, snowy day, hot cup of coffee and a big fuck off broken heart - again. Life has done it again, she has handed me a chance to find inner stillness almost the deepest storms - some that I am not sure I'll be able to survive.
That's not true; I'll survive -- I always do.
It's a fine line right now, a tight rope on piece of silk kind of find line for me between feeling it all, heaving in tears, and shutting down completley -- severing the heart at its life source and floating into the abyss of numbness. The waves come like stormy seas of grief crashing onto the shore with bolster and mite and destruction and each time they eb back into the grande sea, I sit on the sideline gasping for air -- clinging to life -- holding on for dear life.
This is life, hey? This is what we get. A rocky ride or turbulent lessons for the soul -- some w don't think we strong enough to endure -- but we do; we always do.
The past two months since embarking on the journey of "boring", I have seen privy to feeling all the human emotions in this every perplexing simultaneous nature -- two opposing emotions appear in my radar at the very same moment, and somehow -- some way -- I feel it all. Some of the elements of my life are growing like beautiful flowers in a well nourished garden; a garden I have spent my life taking care off. And then there are other pieces of this garden -- plants with broken stems, and innocent flowers being choked out by poisonous weeds that are begging me for love and care.
The pieces in my life that are presenting hardship have be fucking scared shitless. One moment I appear calm and put together while calling on courage and strength and the very next I am in a pile on the floor in sobs so intense I think they will rupture me.
This morning I got to thinking about how proud I am in how I am coping these days.
There were many days that the turmoil I face would have catapulted me into all encompassing darkness. Drinking. Staying out late. Eating foods that make me sick. Choosing the wrong people. Avoiding emotion. Loosing control on my ability to self-care.
That is not what is happening in my life and I am extraordinarily proud of my self.
I am rooted.
I am very clear in my thinking.
I am sober.
I am reaching out to the right people and sitting with the emotions that show up with out the need to rush them, run from them or try to kill them off.
I am allowing the humans in my life to be they way they need to be, in the places that they are at -- instead of my usual reflex in trying to control and fix and monitor the situation.
I am praying, daily. I am connected to source.
I have not stopped doing what is good for me: sweeping, cooking, running, writing, focus on my business and my craft, school -- I'm showing up when all I want to do is hide under a rock and never fucking come out.
I am trusting. I am not stuck on an outcome or clinging to what I think ought to happen -- I am working so hard to remain open to the universes plan and love and also calm in the moment at hand.
I owe were I am at and my ability to be able to face these dark hours to the diligence I have had to SELF-CARE. The journey has been intense and there were many times I didn't think I could do this thing called life -- many times numbing out was easier, many time getting drunk felt more fun, many many times of choosing to give up instead of march forward and (most importantly) inward was my easy way out. I denied so many emotions for so long -- trying to race through the discomfort to find peace once again. It never fucking worked and always ended me up in a worse place than I started.
Shit has hit the fan in my life and I am carrying myself with grace and I am proud of that. I am not denying how I feel and I am working hard to show up moment to moment to the emotions that surface -- asking for what I need, taking space, nourishing myself and engaging in my rituals of self-care on the every-fucking-day-basis.
Life isn't always easy.
Sometimes it feels like hell on earth.
Often its unpredictable and painful.
Sometimes our hearts break so bad we will wonder if they will ever heal, if we will ever trust again, if we will ever mend the pain.
And yet, despite all of this -- we can find peace in the chaos -- its a wild experience to feel both of those seemingly opposite emotions all at once, but it is possible.
We do not walk alone. We can become self-loving admits the pain of life. We can lean on tribe. We can stay focused on nourishment and we can -- we truly can -- stay connected to our moments, breath by breath, choosing to never abandon self.
This is the power of Self-Care.
It's the best medicine I know.