These days I am feeling very rooted -- I am feeling more self-aware than I ever have in my whole life. I can keenly feel when things are no longer fitting and I am aware of what needs to shift -- on a moment to moment basis.
The key: moment-to-moment.
I have always been such a control freak and such a type A planner; it is becoming more and more clear to me the extent that this method hinders me as apposed to serving me. I am slowly but surely learning to find solace in the moment -- to find peace and nourishment in the right now. I can plan and plan and plan and I can manifest and set all of the intentions that I want; yet, at the end of the day, how much control does one truly have? Life will do it's thang regardless of the measures I take to control every last moment of it.
It is, of course, a fine balance -- you know, the ol' being vs doing conundrum that I have often found myself in. Where do we draw the line from the forward moving pursuit of a vision or a goal into the deep rooting place of surrender as we allow life to unfold as it naturally does -- because, it does continue to unfold.
I am working on showing up in my fullest expression of self every single day. I am working on looking in the mirror every day to take self inventory as to what is no longer serving me and also inventory as to what my heart needs moment to moment. It guides me to do things like start a tele-course and write a book and launch retreats; when I call on the piece of "being" or "surrender" I find myself attempting to let go of the attachments that my brain wants to hypothesize as the "best possible outcome".
I am a mere mortal, how the fuck am I supposed to truly know 'what the best outcome' would be? The outcomes are infinite for goodness sakes.
So I just continue to show up day by day and moment by moment. I continue to give my all in all that I do, I continue to follow the breadcrumbs that life hands me; things like the desire to go back to school, the desire to host a women's circle in my home, the desire to write daily -- I don't know where any of these things will take me -- I have no idea what my future holds, literally -- no idea. None of us do and that's the truth. But does it matter? Does where I end up in 10 years really matter in this moment right now? Not really. All that really matters is the ability to connect to the moment at hand and care for what is here right now: the beating heart in my chest. That's it.
It's torture for us planners.
I still plan. I love scheduling. I have a million lists and I go off of 3 separate calendars. I don't know, it makes me feel better or something -- but here is the difference (and I will use an example)... today I am working on the tele-course that I offer and my goal is to have 50 women internationally signed up so I was going to do some ad's and an intention ceremony and while I may indulge in that, my priority today has shifted into a place of surrender. I am going to sit with my course and work my ass off on making it amazing -- shifting and moving and changing and evolving pieces of it. I am going to work on adding value to it and removing messy and unclear parts. I am going to give the course my everything. I am going to give my whole heart and soul and being to this project -- as I do with all projects -- and I am going to trust (of course with some work -- but not clingy forceful work) the women who need it will come -- what is meant to happen with it -- will.
It has been the same process for me these days when the carpet has been ripped out from underneath me and I am left gasping for air and totally uncertain as to what my future will look like and who will be a part of it -- right now, in the moment of sheer fear and worry all that matters is the same thing... hand to the heart and one foot in front of the next. It is always the same medicine -- one moment and then the next.
Life throws curve balls.
Things die and end.
New pathways appear out of the blue.
Our interests evolve and change.
We grow out of people. We meet new ones.
We do not have control over the outcome, no matter how badly we wish we did. Control is the grandest illusion of all time.
And so I continue my work: one foot and then the next and I stay diligent in my pursuit to honour self above all else for abandoning self will never be an option for me again, no matter painful or scary the future may be. I am learning to be radically still when it comes to the connection and listening of what my inner being needs and it serves as my compass in day to day life.