november journal, entry {fourteen}

How we show up in life is what matters most. It's not the amount of money in our banks, the number of clients we have, the extent of education, the placement in our work force, the number of awards we have won of children we have birthed or courses we have led. None of that matters. What matters is how we show up -- the quality of human that we are. 

What matters is our honesty to self when we look in the mirror. 

What matters is our ability to show up for self every fucking day to nourish and care for where we are at. 

What matters is our tenacious ability to keep on placing one foot in front of the next. To know that somehow life has us taken care of; the transient nature of life has become so obvious to me as of late. Perhaps it's the changing of the seasons -- I don't know -- I do know that these days I am overly aware that nothing lasts forever. 

These day's I feel overwhelmed with "I don't know". I don't know the big picture, I don't know where I am headed or who will be by my side -- I honestly just don't know -- none of us truly do, if we are to be honest with self. 

At moments it makes me fall to my knees in doubt and worry and other times it causes me to fall to my knees in surrender and open heartedness for I know on a cellular level that there is an intelligence to this whole thing we call life.

I don't know today -- I don't have alot of profound wisdom to share other than, I just don't know. 

I had an interesting conversation about alcohol yesterday where a good friend was asking me if I had "gotten to the bottom of it", if I "knew what the issue was"? It really made me think... why, no - I have no idea. It could be many things... but does it matter? I don't think so -- what seems to matter is that regardless of what I label it or call it -- wine is not working for me right now. I do not know if it will be this way forever or what. I do know that right now my body is asking for something else. 

All I know is how I show up each day, how my heart feels and what my body needs. I don't know why or where the feels come from -- but I don't think it is my job to assess that or figure that out. It is not my job to cling to things I think my life "ought to have", it is not my job to label self and emotions -- I think our job, truly, is to shed the labels that have defined us...

our food allergies

our money

our job title

our sex

our education

and then, in the room that has been created from the shedding process, we open our hearts and just fucking show up. You know? Like, with all of our damn mite. With all of the trust we can muster. With all of courage we can call on. We show up with humility in the fact that we do not know the answers. We show up with an ability to surrender -- not give up or become passive -- but to know that our mortal minds can not possibly conceive all that will unfold and the vast number of moving and working parts. 

I don't really know today.

What I do know these days is this: I am going to be ok. You are going to be ok. We are going to be ok. No matter what happens as a collective or on an individual level -- we will be ok if we can let go of the need to control and hide behind our masks. 

I'm open. One step at a time.