october journal, entry {two}

This morning as I walked the dogs and prayed to the universe which parts of my soul I should share online, which parts of my story would have an impact on the people I came across this quote:

"No matter how painful, there's always a sense of relief in the end of something you knew was supposed to be over" - Leo Christopher

And the words 'ending' and 'forgiveness'  leave a huge impact on my heart this morning - enough that I sort of want to cry. So many times the ending is so raw, so harsh, so painful; I have recently gone through an ending that took me a really long while to catch my breath from - to be honest, I know there is still so much work for me left to do. I know this becasue I still gasp for air when I touch my tender heart at the whole situation. 

We can't please them all. Not all the people will love you, Kori. Sometimes I wonder why my existence triggers so many people; people have never felt 'neutral' towards me, it has always been a polar opposite: a love or hate. I suppose this is the "cross I carry" with doing the work I do and having the voice and the (non-so-confirmative) opinions that I do. But it hurts my soul alot when the humans I am closest with phase me out, slowly but surly stop talking to me and then ultimately delete me from their lives. 

This has happened to me before -- two times in my recent past; both rattled me up, bruised my heart so bad I could barley touch it and left me questioning 'what the fuck happened' and 'what the fuck is wrong with me'. How did I not see it coming? How can I love so deep and they hate so deep? How are we on such vastly different pages?

I can not hep but assume it is all my fault, but when something important and significant comes to a screeching hault without so much as a conversation, a hug, an email.... anything; well, I have no choice but to call on some composure and pull myself back together and move on. 

People need to live the way they need to live and that means that in order for others to assert their boundaries and deeply care for themselves, they may have to delete you from their lives without a conversation or an explanation or any form of closure -- no mater how many fucking times I ask for it... beg for it. I want to know why. I want to know how the fuck one friend can treat another friend so poorly. I want to cry and yell and scream at the top of my lungs "CANT YOU SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?", "CANT YOU SEE HOW BADLY THIS HURTS?". But, people need to live the way they need to live and I need to respect their wishes and their space and their... boundaries. 

Why hustle hard for those that clearly do not want to share love without hearts anyway?

Not all the humans are going to like you, Kori. 

But why then does it hurt so bad? Why can I not just simply move on like they do? Why do I have to fall so deep for the people? Why does my heart become so attached? 

These are sometimes the hardest endings; the ones where we do not get the privilege of the "why". The endings that are abrupt and out of our control and throw us right out of balance -- right into a shame storm of darkness. It's like a death -- the person dies and we scream at the clouds with all of our mite, we beg, we pled, we swear the heavens off until we are delivered our rightful "why". Why the fuck does this shit happen? Why do people leave?

No answer falls from the sky.

The dead person remains dead; the friend chooses never to allow you back into her life.

Then what?

For me, its anger first and foremost. Rage. Fucking sheer disappointment mixed with a whole lotta 'why me'. This sticky awful victim place intertwined with the real humility of being human: we have no control; we are not in control here.  And as soon as that realization sinks in for me and I stop kicking and screaming and fighting -- and let's be honest, the only I reason I stop is because I am damn exhausted from the fight and I have nothing left; except one thing:


This is the reality. She doesn't like you, Kori. Perhaps there is a plethora or reasons; maybe you fucked up; maybe you didn't; maybe you broke her heart unknowingly; maybe she's just grown apart; maybe something really hard is happening in her life; maybe//maybe//maybe. It doesn't matter, the "what if" will make you mad, crazy, loopy, forever chasing a rabbit that you will never catch. The rabbit is not yours to catch, Kori; let it go. Accept what life has given you. Stop fighting. Let it go. 

The choice for me is: carry the weight of this forever in the from of anger and hurt or being the process of healing via: forgiveness. 

Forgiveness doesn't make the situation ok, but then lets be real here: I am the only one left in this situation anyway (in my reality anyway) -- just me here trying to make peace in my own heart so that the toxin of anger and hatred and broken heartedness doesn't poison my life. This is the whole thing about forgiveness -- it's not about the other person, its about making peace in our own hearts. 

I forgive you for leaving me. 

I forgive you for hurting my heart. 

I forgive you for never giving me a chance to talk it out. 

I still love you. I always will. I hope good things for you for a see a light in you that is so bright. 

I forgive ME. 

I forgive me for the anger, the hatred, the shame and blame I carry. I forgive me for grasping and gripping and trying to make things unfold the way I want them to rather than the way life has planned. I forgive the weight of this, the impact of this, the pain of this. I forgive you LIFE for yet again taking a human away that I loved. 

And so I take my lessons and I move on -- without you. 

There will still be so much tending to my heart and healing of wounds that truly run so deep. These are the process of forgiveness for me and at the end of the day, no matter how painful the ending was -- if we do our work -- there is relief. 

We do not control life. 

We must surrender to what is and find peace with grace even though its hard and yucky and so challenging.

This is the way of the warrior. 

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