october journal, entry {nine}

Warning: this journal entry will probably piss you off. It went in a direction I didn't know it would go. But I do what I do: I sit down, I pray "what is for the highest good" and I start to write -- apparently I was madder than I knew.... but alas, I use my voice and today is no exception.


I'm deeply introverted today; very connected to self and rather disconnected from the world. Today is a day I could sit in a field and simply watch the sky or a curl up at the base of a tree and stare into the abyss. Today is a day where I feel like all I want to do is retreat away into a dark place surrounded by the powers of Mother Earth and just ... sit. It is not a complacent need to sit, the feeling is not natural -- quiet the opposite in fact --  at the very base of my core there is a feeling of rage, a need to unleash in an animalistic way. 

Yes, I am craving the quiet and connected solitude of Mother Earth and simultaneously I feel the need to unravel like an exploding volcano. The dichotomy of being human is astounding -- how can the polar opposites co-exist in such strange balance? It's like I feel like that calm before the fucking storm today. 

Today I can not handle bullshit.

Today I can not handle not being heard.

Today I can not handle surface level "how are you"... "fine"... kind of conversations. Don't talk to me today unless you feel like baring your soul, unless you mean it when you say you want to be here on this planet doing the evolution thing. Oh, and by 'mean it', I mean this:

If you are not here giving it your all then stop judging those that are. If you are not baring your whole soul to the world and calling on courage every-single-step-of-the-way then stop criticizing those that are. I'm so sick of the haters, you know? I am so sick of these deranged need to please all the people by hushing my truth -- my voice -- so that you remain comfortable. Fuck it. It's total bullshit. I'm sick of the fake bullshit -- the eye to eye in real life and the sneaky un-follow or block on social media -- get real, stop lying to the world, show up in your power and use your damn voice.

Stop with the facade -- you are waiting everyones time; including your own. 

While I am on this rant and because this is my journal, I better mention something:

The bees being an endangered species on our planet is fucking bullshit. WAKE UP HUMANS -- playing ignorant is killing us all. WAKE UP. Monsanto 'creating new robotic bees'?!!!?!?!! ARE YOU JOKING ME? On what level of normal, critical, human-loving-thinking is this a good idea?? I can't. I just can't. 

The food industry baffles me, aggravates me and make my blood boil. Every single day of my career -- for 12 years now -- I work with humans who are numb to the effects of the food choices they are making. They are plagued with obesity, heart disease, diabetes, depression, mood imbalance, insomnia, anxiety, high cholesterol, learning disorders, high blood pressure, indigestion, constipation and more -- way fucking more. I see this every-single-day; no joke. It is so sad. We have come to a place as human beings that being sick is NORMAL. It's not normal, nope -- there is nothing normal about this at all. We are falling apart. We are diseased. WHY DOESNT ANYONE CARE? WHY DONT YOU CARE? It's your heath for heaven's sakes. 

It is not the responsibility of the government or your mother or the food industry or your fav teacher -- its your responsibility. Period. 

The softer side of me that shows up daily with clients one on one knows that the foods are addictive, that the people don't actually even know that there is another way. That side of me is the side that makes me a good coach one on one - you know, I have compassion. I know what its like. 

But then there is the KALI in me who says.... when is enough enough? When are we going to stop leaning on bullshit excuses like "I have no time", and "I like chocolate too much" to realize that these low vibrational thought patterns are killing us and our earth and all future generations. For real, people. This is real. 

I have no hope for the food and pharmaceutical industry -- they care about money. They want us sick. They disregard plant life, human life, animal life, planet life... it's a death sentence. We are not going to change that until we starts from BASE and change how we approach food, body care products, household cleaning products, connection with the planet and one another.... and more. 

Is my desire to have a glass of wine actually going to become strong than my desire to flourish in my life? FUCK NO. Are my cravings for eggs and bread worth caving in and becoming sick like the rest of the human beings and thus burdening my ability to thrive and flourish in my life? HELL NO. Will I choose to ignore the communication from my divine body so that I can fall right off course into a pile of sugar and self loathing? No. No. No. And you shouldn't either. I get it, I really do -- this stuff is hard. Changing eating and living habits is really tough -- its a full array of cravings, mood swings, detox symptoms, less choice... all of it. I've been there. I get it. But seriously, stop whining and put it into perspective -- I've had to tell myself the same thing. 

Wake up people. 

Check your perspective out. Listen to yourself. Stop making excuses for your life and your sickness and never-accomplished-goals; you not stepping up to the plate is effecting the whole becasue you are a part of the cosmic whole. 

What will the wake up call be? Can we not see how sick we are?

Can we not use critical thinking when purchasing a shirt for $2 at H&M to say... "who made money off of this? who made this? how can it only be $2 for me and still leave a profit for who-ever made it? was it fair working conditions? did a child make it? where in the world did it get made? was is the impact of this impulse decision? who's blood is on this shirt? after i wear my $2 impulse shirt and i throw it out, where does it go? will it biodegrade? is more burden for mother earth? IS IT WORTH IT?"

Can we not start to accept the dangers of refined sugars and artificial sweetness on our health and stop eating them? We know they are addictive. We know they make us fat and can lead to glucose intolerance which can contribute to diabetes. We know the imbalance the gut flora which has impacts on our immunity, nervous system and digestion. We know this. We 100% KNOW THIS -- why are we still eating it? Why are we feeding it to our children?? WHY?

Animal treatment... do I really need to go here? How the fuck is it ok to treat an animal they way we do in factory farming situations? I'm at a loss for words as to how this ever, EVER become ok? How did we become numb to this? How are we turning a blind eye to our FELLOW LIVING BEINGS?

Whoa, I have alot to say today. I'm a little fiesty -- I felt something bubbling today but wow - I had no idea what was under the surface....

& then we smother our bodies and our homes in toxins; from make up to shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, perfume, aluminum riddled antiperspirant, body lotion, toothpaste, mouthwash, artificial dyes on our clothing, flame retardants and other toxic chemicals on our furniture and cell phones and electronics and house house cleaning products... bleach? ammonia? WHY? vinegar works.  Then we fill and cover our foods with hormones, antibiotics, pesticides, GMO's, fillers, additives, sugars, food colouring .... and we wonder why we are sick. 

We need to wake up -- like, NOW. 

We are not going to get a second chance here, people. It wont be the adults that read this blog that our choices will effect -- it will be our mutated next generation -- yes, mutated becasue that is what our choices are doing; mutating genes, fucking up our DNA and leading to the demise of our bees, our plants, our animals, our humans species...

when will enough be enough? 

I become plagued by this on a daily basis. The catastrophe of our world overwhelms me on the regular -- it takes me all of my mite most of the days to stay centred while I sit next to a tree and try my best to channel the answer to a question we all ask: how do we fix this?? 

And so I will use the medicine I know best, the medicine my therapist prescribes me every time I see him: Mother Self Before Mothering The World. Our point of power is in self; our point of power is thinking globally and acting locally.... so local in fact that it is in the community of your own beating heart. 

This planet and our wellness is up to us dear human warriors -- are you going to wake up? Are you ready for the battle? 

I am. 

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