october journal, entry {nineteen}

Life is such a mystery -- it humbles me over and over and over again to become so keenly aware of the lack of control we actually have. One day sunshine; the next, darkness -- the carpet is ripped out from underneath and we are left gasping for air and clinging to any element of trust or security in sight. Sometimes the ride is so smooth I forget that I am riding the wave of life and that the illusion of control is just that -- an illusion; and then the wave -- out of the blue -- becomes a tsunami and all of life seems to fall apart and the grief becomes so heavy it bogs my heart and tugs at muscles. It evokes all of the physical sensations and takes over my heart; it stops me from sleeping and keeps me in panic; it steals my appetite and it leaves me weeping in piles on the floor -- the ugliest sobs of all -- the sobs that scream out " I surrender, I fucking surrender. I need you. I need you to guide my life for I know not what the fuck I am doing and I am just a human and I fuck up so bad -- but I am here. I am here -- & I am trying". 

And so that's what I do -- that's what we all do as mere mortals trying so hard to live the best way we can. We wake up from the nights panic into the living nightmare of uncertainty and heart ache and we//I place my hand on my heart and I say the simple words, "kori, get up -- right foot and then left and keep going. walk to the bathroom. brush your teeth. breathe. keep walking forward. drink some water. breathe..."

Some days are easier than others -- some appear more secure than others -- but what I know for sure is that simplicity is the finest way to go no matter where life is at -- one foot and then the next. No big moves, nothing grande just the simplicity of moment-to-moment-self-care.

That is the antidote; that is the map to the most sacred places in our own hearts. 

So we just keep on livin' and keep on showin' up. It's the bravest thing of all -- to show up.

to you...

you who woke up in the night unsure of what your tomorrow would look like; you who grasps your heart and falls to your knees mid day with aching and weary bones; you who is just trying so fucking hard to be ... you -- i want you to know that you matter.

to you...

who's heart is broken; you who fucked up -- who said all the wrong things that did the irreparable damage; you who keeps on showing up and trying again -- thank you for being here, your life matters.

to you...

who musters up the courage moment to moment to take another breath -- another step; to you who feels your heart is broken and sore and tired from the journey... keep on going becasue our world needs you -- you mater so much.

to you...

who is lonely, scared and unsure of what this life really is; to you who's journal is your best friend -- or maybe, your only friend; you who feels lost and directionless ... you are not alone -- i see you -- you matter a whole fucking lot.

the process is simple -- no matter how broken you are or how elated you are....

one foot & then the next and we repeat until, well -- forever.

keep going.

just keep on going.

you will see, the sun will come again -- i promise you.

more october journals...