october journal, entry {six}

The best part of this {october journal} project is that it keeps me so accountable to sitting down each and every single day to my journal. Usually this is a practice that is pretty non-negotiable in my life but I have run out of pages in my journal and alas I fell off the band wagon, so this is perfect. 

I am learning as I get older and as I continue to take the journey into the centre of my own soul that rituals are more than just a little act of 'frilly self-care'; these practices are truly what keep me grounded and honestly - sane. I notice with such undeniable obviousness when I skip out on my early wake up, my daily exercise, healthy foods, gratitude, self-connection, prayer, night time rituals etc. that I become off kilter faster than I can truly see it coming.

My bearded man can home a week ago for one week and I fell into the pattern of "vacation from my rituals"; I got a little slack -- staying up late instead of getting into a cozy bed with reishi tea and reading; lazing in-front of the TV at night instead of crafting foods, taking goddess baths and being sure my house is in sane visual order; sleeping in instead of my vigilant morning routines of dog walking, potion crafting and gratitude and prayer -- I seem to skip prayer when life gets a little exciting. 

This is one of the biggest things that throws me right off centre. Prayer is my moment to not only connect to the divine in both gratitude, serenity and surrender; but it is also the moment where I truly take a moment to check in with where my heart is at, where my emotional wellness resides and how I over all feel as a human spiritual being.

This is my anchor. 

I notice that when I do not do this practice with 1000% dedication I start to feel very frazzled and distant; my inner wall instantly forms and I connect with a very unbalanced relationship with masculinity and forgo all softness and vulnerable, open femininity. In other words: I get bitchy and cold. I know I become difficult to be around but sometimes I wish I could say to the humans in my life CAN'T YOU SEE HOW PAINFUL THIS IS FOR ME? DON'T YOU SEE THAT I AM STUCK AND I CAN NOT GET OUT? These moments are moments of not only exterior harshness but the inner world that plagues my heart and mind and soul is a viscous war of relentless self-hatred. I literally feel paralyzed and stuck in anger -- I have no ability to take the wall down. Once hardness approaches I find softness to be a long, lost, unattainable memory and it breaks my heart so badly. I ache for the moments of open-hearted tender Kori to fucking come back... but she won't, not in these moments.

Once I am here the road can become a slippery slide straight into the core of hell if I am not careful. The dark ghosts arise in my mind and they start to feed on my insecurity and doubt. This is usually where I start to overthink, overanalyze and over-plan. I drink more when I am in this place and I start to experience WILD insomnia where I scratch my arms so badly they bleed and scar. I get depressed and anxious and feel a void of doom that is hard to put into words; the world turns metaphorically and literally grey. 

It's weird how the colour of the world actually changes.

I'm learning about this place and the warning signs more and more and more as I call on self compassion and curiosity and learn to lean into where I am at and care for my soul. Self-care rituals for me are my med's -- they simply can not be skipped. Even when I am on an actual vacation I can not skip these acts for I de-rail and pulling myself out of alice's deep and dark rabbit hole is daunting and painful. This is a non-negotiable in life, this is my only ticket to open-hearted living. 

In this whole process I am learning how to love another human all the while taking care of myself. It's a balance with my bearded man as our self-care rituals and needs are so different... but to be honest, it would be just as much of a challenge if they were exactly the same needs becasue part of the needs I have is space and time on my own to be with my heart while engaging fully with my personal practices.

I hear alot of humans that I coach and women that I love feel guilt over the need for space. I have felt it too; you know thinking I am a bad wife or friend for needing ME time. I even feel immense guilt when I need to ship my dog's out to my Mum and Dads house to find self-time (One time Mum babysat Merlot for a couple of MONTHS -- I couldn't show up for him the right way and yet the guilt ate me alive, but at the end of the day I needed the room to breath and heal) -- I can not imagine being a mother and how hard this would be. I can say though with every ounce of my beating heart that this is important shit, no matter how hard it is.

This space is key for humans to thrive -- we need it. We need down time and time for self-dating and self-connection. I know I need it, I know it is an absolutely imperative part of my spiritual makeup.  Without it I disconnect from self, God and the humans I love; especially the ones closest to me -- the bearded man who happens to hold the key to my heart. 

So, thats it. That's a learning that is beginning to stick for me. 

In other news: I went out for my sisters birthday last night and we had a wonderful time -- just me, Mum, Dad and Sister Laurel. We had an AMAZING dinner at Model Milk and then went to Yuk Yuks. I didn't drink an ounce of booze even though I had lamb and wine would have been an amazing pairing and even though I usually love port for dessert becasue there is literally never a thing I can eat on the menu due to food allergies and even though yuk yuks and wine go together like sunshine and the beach -- I had tea, and fancy soda waters and sat with my heart all night checking in with what I truly needed for self-care. It was a battle all damn night but I feel good today. Posting that blog this week has really helped me get a little more real with myself on what my soul needs most right now -- so, THANK YOU for being here to witness my truth. 

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