october journal, entry {ten}

& so I continue this process of baring my soul for all to see in an even more intimate way than I ever have before -- on a daily basis. It's one thing to yell out loud once-in-a-while when I am mad or inspired -- it's a totally different ball-park to show up daily with courage and humility by side to share my soul, my struggles, my fears and my story for all to see. This processes is deeply healing for me and based on the messages I am getting from you, I feel it is a mutual healing ground of authenticity and rawness for all of us. 

This is a community -- our community, our own little tribe -- of like minded warriors who hold authenticity, courage and rawness as value posts in our lives. Thank you for being here along side of me. 

I have alot of raw things in my soul to bare today and yet I also feel a total loss for words. The feeling I have today is one of tender, raw, sensitivity. My heart hurts -- it feels a little tender and I feel a little alone.

It's that whole curse of loneliness that we all seem to share.  

Last night I came home from bootcamp and sat down on my couch and I just weeped a bunch of tears. I am not 100% sure where they all came from or what tear belonged to what story, I just felt an overall sadness in my heart; a broken-ness; a deep sense of loneliness. The loneliness was not due to a lack of connection for the hour spent at bootcamp was truly a touching hour for me as women shared intensely intimate moments in their lives with me -- moments so sacred to them that I shed I tears; moments so sacred to them that I was handed the secrets and stores with an understanding that they would be held tightly in the vault of my heart and cherished with compassion and respect. Yes, last night's class was more connecting and intimate than many other moments and yet I came home and held my heart and allowed the unexplainable tears to flow and the feeling of 'alone-ness' to wash over me like a wave in the ocean. 

Loneliness used to plague me; it felt like a dark and evil curse on my life -- a puzzle I could not put together -- a math equation I could not solve -- a fucking finish line I could not find. I was determined for so long to solve the mystery of loneliness and create a story in my life that filled the wound of feeling alone. 

And then one day I 'invited loneliness to the dance floor', I decided to 'date my loneliness' and 'lean in' rather than 'run away from'... and it changed me. It changed how I view 'alone-ness'. 

Loneliness teaches me every single day. Loneliness reminds me to self-care every single day. Loneliness reminds me that there is a someone in me; a someone who is longing to be seen by only one being... me. Loneliness reminds me to look at my own eyes in the mirror and offer self that thing I am longing for from the outside world: compassion, acknowledgement, love, forgiveness etc. I could beg and hustle and convince you that 'you ought to be the one to see me, hear me and love me... cant you see how wonderful I am?" but no dose of out-side-world-love will ever suffice for the soul to truly feel held and honourd and safe until the eyes that look back at you when you look in the mirror offer that gift. 

Get it?

Until you surrender into the beauty of loneliness, the beauty of self-dating no external love will fill your void; only we can fill our own void of loneliness via the process of .... you know it -- self-care. -- self-compassion -- self-forgiveness.... self-LOVE.

And even then, even when we are able to begin the process and journey of true self-love we still feel lonely. Lonely hurts, it stings, it longs for... but we learn to 'lean-in' rather than push-back and freak out. 

I now fall into loneliness with more compassion for self, more curiously as to who and what and how the depths of the heart that beats inside of my rib-cage operates. Oh my goddess that heart, she has such capacity -- such depth -- for feeling. It astounds me. Loneliness still knocks me to my knees, has me weep and sometimes hyperventilate just like it used to, but now I feel it with new eyes; a new perspective. There are many days -- probably more days than not to be honest -- that I feel alone, misunderstood and like a strange misfit, or even that the purpose I am here for is simply to fucking weird and intense and sometimes I just want to fill the void, numb it out, run away from it -- but instead, I weep.

Instead, I walk to the mirror and I look myself in the eyes and I say, "Kori, I love you. I see you. We got this, sister -- you and me -- me and you." I have learned to offer self what I seek for in the outside world for anything I seek for external is actually the soul calling me internal -- the longing is the compass -- the map -- right into the seat of my heart. 

And so I break. And I feel. And I wonder if I will ever feel whole? But, I know that it is ok to feel this for -- this too shall pass.

Being human, hey? Being human with a heart that feels it all, hey?

What a fucking gift. 

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