october journal, entry {twenty}

Well so far my month of "boring" has been far from it -- when I think of the word "bore", I think of boring down and planting roots; the action of getting grounded both in mind, body and soul. Boring down and {slowing down} -- as I have mentioned a million times over -- is a huge challenge for me and something that I have to bring full conscious awareness to on a moment to moment basis. 

Slowing down always felt, well, boring; and boring always felt like such a lifeless and unproductive drag. I always loathed the people that were boring thinking it was just a flat out waste of time. 

I am really beginning to value the spaces between... you know, the space between the words that make language and the spaces between musical notes that create melody. I am learning to take note of the space between the inhale and the exhale and also the fleeting moments where space resides between the chatter and thoughts in the brain. I am starting to find myself curiously watching my dogs as they appear to be so content in the boring -- they do not rush around and try and fill there schedule so that the world will love them becasue they got so much shit done -- no, they just poop and sleep and cuddle and have random bursts of play. They are simple.  

And then there are the trees who just appear to stand there tall alllll dayyyy everyyyy dayyyy.... yawn; but no, when you look closer they are breathing and living and playing out the exact divine role they are here to play. They move with the seasons, they grow, they shed there layers, they reacher taller... they are so boring -- and yet, so on purpose. 

I dedicated October to "boring" -- to concisely choose to exist between the spaces -- to hunker down into my own rooting system as close to the ground as possible. To wake up each morning and intentionally check in with my heart -- 'good morning kori, how the fuck are you today?'. And I took it a further step this month... I listened; I truly and totally listened. I put my whole heart in moment-to-moment to hearing the answers that dwell in the deepest places of my being.

I checked in with self before I got out of bed -- do I need more sleep?; I check in with self before I coach clients -- how is your heart? Are you able to hold space today?; I checked in each day to assess where I was at both spiritual, physically and emotionally and I planned my days according to what I needed (a tip from my therapist). I took a few days to digest the potential of my book being edited where as I would have normally impulsively jumped on the excitement of those moments -- not this time. This time I was slow, I took it in and sat with it, I did not share the intimate process with my whole circle of humans hustling for approval nor for advise -- in fact, I shared it with not even one soul; I just saw in the space and I felt it out and I allowed it to percolate and digest and I came to a decision that was as natural as when the trees bud greenery in the spring time. The decision came from above me -- a place bigger than me -- a place I can only connect to when I am boring, rooted and slowing down. 

I trusted myself to make the decisions best for ... myself. 

As I focused hard on entering the garden of my own soul, I worked at weeding out the things that currently serve me not -- such as booze, staying out late on weekends, constant socialization, and working 7 days a week for 14 hours of the day -- as I weeded I also focused on what I what I was planting; but my planting process was different this time. Usually I would plant new things: more workouts, a training goal, a new workshop idea, a 30 day yoga challenge, a new project, new clients -- more, more, more.

This time was different. 

This time was intentionally different. 

This time I left my garden bare and I did so to evaluate the relationship I hold with the weeds I pulled and also to allow space to see what would surface. We can't pull weeds and plant new ideas instantly if we ever want to discover what resides below the surface. The value of pulling the weeds and consciously choosing to sit in the discomfort of uncertainty is one of the most valuable tools I have ever played with.

So much surfaced. So many fucking shitty things that just made me want to grab my weeds -- wine -- and re-plant them. But, no. That was not my gardening mission this month; my mission has been to sit with boring -- and that I have done. 

Here is what I know for fucking sure -- I have never been so self-connected in my whole life. I have never been as able to move through experiences in life where the rug is ripped out from underneath me with such... function. There have been heart wrenching moments that I have been able to sit with -- yes, I paced; yes, I cried; yes, I yelled at the universe and yes, I wondered for moments if life would ever fucking make sense as I leaned on a few very close friends as they held space for my mourning and tears and uncontrollable worry. But I did it. I did it with self-compassion, I did it with self-love and I did it awake -- not once did I numb out or fall asleep at the wheel... I just chose to stay a-fucking-wake. 

There have also been moments of absolute joy for me -- moments like my book being read and receiving feedback that truly lit my soul up. These are the moments that when I am not "boring" into my rooting system, I get super high and I start planning the 'what if's' and I get lost in a magical fantasy land of distracting thoughts. These are the moments that I usually get real buzzed and very much un-rooted. Not this time... I sat with it all. I let it sink it. I let it be my own inner celebration and I managed to stay grounded in the task at hand -- this-very-moment. 

I know what I need.

I know I can truly handle anything that shows up in my life.

I know that I am strong.

I know that I am a good coach and that I am here for a divine purpose -- I finally trust that.

I know that before I can serve the world, I must serve self -- I must continually tend to the garden of my own soul. 

All in all, boring has been more magical than I ever thought. It has been a pain in the ass and it has forced me to look at myself in a deeper and more honest way, but I am ready for that and that feels really fucking good.  

more october journals ...