october journal, entry {twenty one}

This project – this October journaling project – has lit my soul on fire and reminded me of how healing writing and connecting with you humans really is for me.  To be abe to wake up each morning and type out my rawest secrets and struggles and successes and failures and share it with you is an honor beyond what I can muster the words to describe.

Thank You seems like such a insignificant words in comparison to the way I feel when I see how many humans read my blog each day and especially when I get a message from a stranger that says “me too…”; because at the end of the day, we are in this thing together – this thing we call life.

We need each other.

My October of “boring” turned out to be a very interesting month filled with some of the largest shifts I have felt in myself – these shifts, I believe are likely invisible to the world but they feel as big as the galaxy to me. I feel like I have shifted from a place of being caught up in the stories, dramas and emotions in my life, almost to a place of objectivity. It’s hard to explain.

I am keenly aware right now that all things die, none of the things of this life last forever – there is an expiry date on everything. These days I feel great fear and great solace in that. I know with my brain and my heart that when the end of something approaches the birth of another things follows and yet when we are caught in that ending it sure can feel like the whole world is crumbling apart.

This month I was reminded of my humble roots of raw surrender. We come from the earth and we return to the earth and what happens between is ultimately not up to us. We can show up in our lives and we can give our whole hearts and beings and minds and effort and souls and yet, at the end of the day life will continue to flow with very little regard for how we feel; to survive the blows of the intense waves and dark tabulations we must learn to ride the wave of life with flexibility and grace; to show up with our whole hearts while simultaneously not being attached to the outcomes.

The more I live the more I am learning that I really do not know anything at all which is another one of the truths of this human experience that strikes me in a dualistic way both being terrifying and so very, vey comforting.

I’m learning to show up, you know? I am learning to truly lean into my heart and ask her what she needs. I am learning to see the things that no longer serve me and allow room for space to let go and mourn and grieve and …. die. I am learning to find newness in my soul day to day and to know that what once served me may in fact no longer be my most nourishing antidote. I am learning to take leaps of faith without needing to obsess about the entire outcome – I’m learning that all that matters is that we show up with our whole broken and beautiful beings in each and every moment.

This month of “boring” has been a month of really and truly and 100% deeply rooting into self. I have spent time sitting with myself in a deeper way than ever before. I got real and stopped lying to myself about a few things. I went through some serious soul darkness this past month with the fright of something so important to me almost being taken away and despite the fear and worry of it all I did what I had never done in the face of heart shatter: I stayed sober, I continued to write and coach, I continued to peruse the editing of my book when all I wanted to do was say fuck it and hide; I just continued to show up in the fullest expression of self that I could.

There were days I did not want to get out of bed and by morning the fear gripped my throat and sucked the life force out of me – not only did I not want to get out of bed -- I was not sure I physically could. But each morning the heartache swept over me I sat up at the edge of my bed and I said to myself, “Kori get up. Kori, walk to the bathroom. Kori, brush your teeth”; and I went through my days like this – simply reminding myself to breath and to focus on the task at hand. And then there were days of wild delight and feelings of being so seen and so raw and so connected, beautiful and on fire. These were the days that I held onto the same old method of simply showing up moment-to-moment with a full heart and vacant attachment.

I am calm today -- in this moment anyway. I rode a wild wave this past month of “boring” from anger to rage to complete and utter fear to feeling beyond proud of myself to feeling exposed, broken, whole, connected, lost, found, on purpose and like there is no purpose. All the feelings, every one of them and ironically the showed up simultaneously.

This month has been different than any other month for me due to the solid intention and follow through I have had of compassionately observing self in the quiet moments. There was no force or self-hatred or ambitious goals – there was simply the desire to bore down and see self for who I am right now and although much of the muck surfaced and the detoxification of passed suppressed emotions arose I was – by the grace of the highest powers – able to stay kind to self.

I’m not usually so kind to self.

But guess what -- I’m human. I am a giant, beautiful, messy, excelling, fucking-up’ing human, just like the rest of us – we are all in this together and the least we can do is offer ourselves some damn compassion and tenaciously show up with all of the broken, shattered and wonderful pieces of out beating hearts that we can.

At the start of the month I decided to use the word “boring” for my intention for October with the idea that once I found the more fancy and appropriate word, I would change it. Now, 31 days into October I am looking back and feeling a full heart at the new found relationship I have established with “boring”. Boring is t bore down; to plant roots; to return into the deepest places of self with curiosity, nourishment and love. Boring has been a delight for me; a wild learning curve to say the least

Thank You for being here with me.

Thank you for boring down with me and sharing this human experience with me.

I adore this sacred space and my gratitude for your presence is infinite.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

more october journals here...