november journal {one} -- one foot & then the next

It's been a long time since I have been on here, a long while since I have been able to articulate my emotions into words, & certianly it's been a long time since I have felt compelled to share too much of my journey.

It's simply been too confusing, too painful, too much... yes, too much is right; it's been way too much. 

I'm actually not sure what I want to write today -- my fingers feel rusty on this key board -- it's type.delete.type.delete. I know I want to write; I haven't wanted to write in months, so here I am -- writing.

Do I share my story? Do I dive deep into the reality that has been my life? Do I tell you how I have been to hell & back in the past 6.5 months? Do I share the love my heart is learning to feel? Should I tell about how scared I am, how fear comes close to paralyzing me on a daily basis? Do you want to know what betrayal feels like? Should I let you in on the trust issues that have now surfaced in my heart? Should I share with you how each & every single day right now is a battle to trust anything & anyone? Should I tell you that I thought life was going so well -- I had dreams & a 'plan', & it all seemed so sweet, so perfect -- but a life threw a match onto the 'plan', & when gasoline meets flame, the explosion is inevitable. Should I tell you about the explosion? Should I share with you the countless hours I spend in the fetal position on the floor whaling like wounded & helpless animal? Maybe you want to know that no matter how old we are, we need our mothers. My mother was my rock through this. I had Mum, my uncle & 3 of my closest girlfriends that held the deepest space I had ever known to be held, as I moved through this intense period of grief -- should I tell you how healing it is to have humans simply bare witness? Maybe I should share the night that I went to bed with the distress line open on my computer, & an emergency plan in place, becasue earlier that day I had planned how I wanted to end my life. I could see no other way. It was so messed up. I had come so far on my journey only to end up wanting it all to end.. again. Should I share with you what grief taught me? Do you want to know what her claws felt like? Maybe you want to know what gut wrenching heart break feels like as a newly sober person -- fucked up... that's how it felt. Should I tell you all about what happens to self-care when you can barley take in one breath at a time let alone plan how you will make it through an entire 24 hours alive. Should I share with you what it felt like to be walked out on? Do you want to know how sudden it all was, how shocking it was, how fucking confusing it was? Do you want to know what it was like to have the clouds part on the Wednesday morning at burning man when I went to get ice & preceded to have nothing but soul filled adventure for the remainder of my time on the playa? Do you want to know how healing it was for me to be truly seen & witnessed by a human I love so deeply? Do you want to know what it was like to sob at the temple at Burning Man -- too sob to the heavens that had got me there, too the heavens that somehow seemed to have proven to me that they cared about me. Do you want to know what it feels like to finally not feel alone? Do you want to know what falling on my knees in total surrender feels like? Do you think it would be interesting, or perhaps of value, to know how I am choosing to let the pain in my heart only act to further crack it open instead of shutting it down, & becoming jaded? Maybe I should tell you how fucking hard that is, how lonely it is, how more often than not I feel like life handed me more than I can chew. Maybe you want to know what 313 days of sober living feels like? Or maybe you want to know what the removal of alcohol has revealed to me -- an obsessive compulsive brain that requires super steady self-care to remain light & happy. Do you want to know what the light feels like? For so long I treaded the waters of darkness, addiction, abuse, lies, depression, drama, self-hatred, but one day it all changed, & the clouds parted, & I felt content for the 1st time in my whole life. Do you want to know how scary the light is? I feel like a vampire -- this brilliant light is so deeply uncomfortable -- joy is weird & bizarre, & it's a whole new way of living that I am trying to accustom myself to. Do you want to know what it is like to feel love from a human being that truly means it? One that walks the talk of love, one that is loyal & unconditional? Do you want to know how vulnerable that is for me? How uncomfortable & beautiful & frightening it is.

It's all so much. 

So much happened. 

I'm still digesting it all, I've only just begun to see this all for what it is. No words, no wisdom, no hindsight as of yet -- I'm still so fucking blown away. 

My life lit on fire. I felt like I was surrounded by flames, naked in the forest with no way out. The flames were hot, & fierce, & relentless. For whatever reason, as I stood in the burning fire of my life I chose to stay present, to ensure that I did not run, numb, or 'scratch the itch'. I knew that this was a turning point for me, that if I did not choose courage, & learn the teachings this life had in store for me, I would die. But the fucked up thing is that the courage it took to stay present -- sober & present -- nearly killed me too. I can not begin to describe the pain; the heart break was physical. It consumed every fibre, every cell, every molecule of my entire physical & emotional body, & it ached.

Seconds felt like years.

Weeks felt like eternity.

I could not see anyway out. 

My Aunt told me, "Kori you will feel good again. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day you will heal". I wanted that day to come faster, I wanted to know the agenda of grief, I wanted to find a way out. But there was no way. The only way was through. I knew this, I know the Atlas Of Darkness, I wrote a whole book on this territory; but this felt unfair to me -- I had already been to the dark, I already mapped it, why was I back there? How was this my life? Why did it hurt so bad? 

It's strange to reflect on this all, it's still all so big -- too big. It's enormous; this last chapter of my life totally recalibrate me. Life had a plan, & for some reason I was willing too cooperate this time around. I was willing, & teachable. I was ready to fall to my knees, I was ready to find faith, & humility. I was ready to let go of control & learn what "god's will" really meant. 

I learnt though this process that life's plan & my plan are dramatically different. I learnt also that life will win in her teachings. The best course of action for me became one of acceptance & surrender. I had to accept life on life's terms, & I had to find a way to let go & let this all unfold as it should. 

I still have more questions than answers. I'm mostly speechless, & deeply humbled these days. I'm not sure how I made it out alive, let alone sober. I don't know why my heart is softer now than ever before -- should this not have made me more angry? It didn't, & I don't know why.

I have come to believe that there is a great energy that rules this life, I have come to believe in the divine intelligence, & for the 1st time in my life, I have become willing to let this intelligence run my life. 

It's a very strange thing, & I wish I had more wisdom to share, but like I said -- I'm mostly just in awe. 

If there is one part of this enormous life lesson that I can put into words, it is the importance of the life motto of {one step & then the next}. 24 hours at a time; one day; one moment; one breath; one step at a time. Magical things happen when we take care of our day instead of obsessing, manipulating, & planning the bigger picture. Miracles occur when we drop our self-imposed agenda & live our life slowly & simply all the while surrendering it to an intelligence greater than our mere mortal selves.

One day I want to tell you what I have discovered about acceptance. One day I so baldy want to share with you what I learned about humility & grace. One day I want to tell you how this betrayal has not tainted my view on life, or, love, or faith, but rather, it's actually done the very opposite -- it's rendered me softer, more vulnerable, & more capable of deeper love, & meaning. One day I want to tell you all about my journey into sobriety, & what a game changing experience it has been. I want to share with you how powerful gratitude has been in my life, & how comforting it is for me to know that my soul will always find peace when my knees hit the ground & I pray. I want to express what a gift this has all been, I want to tell you how humbled I am. Why Me? I feel so lucky. So, so, so lucky. I want to tell you how deep this was, how transformative it has been, & how much I appreciate all of your prayers & support.

I want to share that, but today I don't know how. 

There are simply no words, it's just all too big. 

The enormity of gratitude my heart feels is totally indescribable. 

One day I hope I can do it justice & share it with you all.

Until then all I can do is continue to take the next best step.  

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