{priestess} of darkness

i think some of the humans on earth gravitate more towards the light; some tread waters right in the middle -- feeling nothing too high and also nothing too low; and some of the humans tend to fall deeper to the dark soil, the intensity of the midnight black skies and the heaviness of the dark night of the soul. 

i fall to darkness more than the average human, i think. i tend to find myself falling down alice's rabbit hole more often than not. i have a wild capability of feeling such vast intensity that it literally takes my breathe away and to be honest it leaves me in a raw state of gratitude for the capacity of the humans heart is so enormous -- infinite in fact.  

perhaps my ability to sit in darkness is the worst curse of them all. maybe i did something wrong in a past life and the heavens are teaching me lessons in this realm. from my earliest memories i have gravitated towards the dark side of humanity. my thoughts can be dramatic and rather frightening; its always been this way. maybe there is a flip-side -- perhaps this is in-fact a beautiful blessing for i tend to see profound divinity in these dark corners. i know what it is like to feel all the fucking feels; i get it.

i REALLY get it.

as i have grown older i have been able to find peace in this insane discomfort and rather than self-destructing and numbing out i have found more and more ability to sit with the rawness of where i am at. i have learned to self-care in these dark places and i have learned to find real blessing in the rabbit hole of my human experience.

i think this part of myself is what makes me good at my life work -- literally your dark story can't scare me and i know for certainty that one of the things my soul thrives at is holding space for other humans to show up -- flaws and darkness and all -- and remain feeling seen and loved and cared for.

i believe in honest, raw, vulnerability with all of my heart.

the curse however for me is that i struggle to relate to many humans and i feel often times that i am cursed with all encompassing isolation and loneliness. i think it is part of my souls lesson, and i am learning that it is ok that not all of the tribe members and loved ones in my life can fully understand the capacity at which i experience this human-ness. there will likely only be a small handful of humans that dance this dance with me -- and, thats ok. i am learning that that is ok. our tribe will all show up for different reasons in our lives. some will hold huge space for darkness, some will love us unconditionally, some are here to hold us accountable and some are here to simply laugh s hard with -- to remind us of the humour and joy of living this life. many humans for many reasons. 

part of the answer to loneliness is finding self-connection.placing our connection with heart as priority in our lives. you know, part of self care is showing up where we are at; it means being able to lean into the beating of our heart and doing what we need moment to moment to remain SELF-CONNECTED. i believe our relationship with self simply must come first for us to be able to show up healthy for the rest of the world. to remain in balance in the dance of the whole our foundation must be taken care of. a strong foundation means a strong self-connection; a strong and deep knowing of the self... we become our own advocates and with this strength we are able to live with unreal courage -- always taking care of self 1st.

there are many days that i am extroverted and positive and ready to build tribe and take on the world. and then there are the days that the reality of my soul takes over and darkness encompasses me and i tend to become deeply isolated and lonely. so i did some crazy stuff this past weekend -- i got selfish and i 'did me' -- i spent my days with a few tribe members who GET me without me saying anything. there is an unspoken depth between us and it is just sometimes so nice to be seen on that capacity. this is why i love therapy so much as well -- i did that last week and i just sat in front of my therapist who has known me for 4 years and i sobbed and got so anxious i thought i would have a panic attack. and i was seen -- simple: i was seen and that is so fucking healing. i took a few important soul members to my dads grave this weekend and we laid on the grass for 4 hours and laughed and cried and spent our time simply seeing one another in the full capacity of our own unique human experiences. something about that is so damn healing. 

i think as a whole we cling to the "good" and we avoid the "bad" and in avoiding half of our human experience we are missing out on profound and raw and deep truths that our souls need to shed the old layers and welcome the new points of evolution. our human experience is so intense and for some of us - the empaths and the heart centred - it can knock us right off of our centre and have us spiraling into places that require such intentional forms of self care. and guess what? that is ok. you are not alone. we are all in this together. some hold the light and others are the priestess of darkness and together we dance the dance called life and together we will heal on a giant cosmic level. 

today dear sweet human, your job is to simply ' do you'. nothing more. take care of home base -- your own foundation -- before taking care of the whole world. our world needs you feeling self-connected for your soul to show up and shine in its glory. so, slow down and place your hand on your heart and your bare feet on the earth and just feel what it is like to be you today. what does your body feel like? what is the quality of your breath? how does your heart feel? what is your stomach doing? and always ask yourself: how can i add nourishment? what does my heart need right now?

and then be brave and follow your own divine guidance. 

i literally love you so much.