It wasn’t long ago, that I thought that love was not for me. It wasn’t long ago, that I was trapped in the depths of darkness; unable to find the light, incapable of finding my truth, and unsure I would ever make it out.
I look back on what it has been like to live inside of my head – for as long as I can remember there was a dark hatred for myself that shadowed everything that I did. The voice swallowed me whole; most of the time.
I hated who I was. I struggled with body image issues for most of my late teens and early 20’s – I hated the skin I was in. I felt awkward and ugly. I felt like I never fit in – anywhere. I didn’t excel in school – my full efforts usually resulted in 40 or 50%; I didn’t see the use in trying. Math class would often leave me heart broken, and tears streaming down my face – but of course I was to embarrassed to a) ask for help or b) show up authentically… so I cried alone. I felt so stupid and incapable. Dance class was also not a source of any joy for me – I loved seeing my friends; but I felt like I was always trying to climb out of my body and hide somewhere so that no one saw my ‘not as pointed toes’ or my less than adequate pirouettes. 90 min/class was torture for me – tears burned behind my eyes, and the lump in my throat made me want to choke.
I harbored so much anger in my soul. I gaze back at my life and most of the time I was uncomfortable on this planet. I hated who I was, and I would have rather not been alive. I was deeply uncomfortable being a woman, I didn’t understand the waves of emotion that I naturally have; I was sensitive and could not process feelings. And I was angry; just generally mad at anyone, and everyone – mostly mad my dad died on summer holidays… that anger seeped into every interaction I had in my life.
When I studied nutrition for the 1st time in 2003, I surpassed all expectations of myself and graduated with honours – it was so natural to me. I loved it. I suppose that was the beginning of my journey into self-love. It would be a long and dark journey – but food and the anatomy of the human body and spirit would keep me afloat.
It got way worse before I ever started to see the light.
Many days of sitting at my Dads tomb in tears on a yoga mat; many (many) hours of therapy and sitting in the pain of my soul, a thousands baths filled with essential oils and soulful tears; hundreds of hours laying around cuddling my puppy, Merlot; and the choice to peruse more school in the form of holistic nutrition … and I started to see the light.
But there was one thing in particular that jolted me into a place of self love; that made my whole life’s pains suddenly make sense… and that was meeting my bearded man.
Meeting Shane freed my soul. Today I read a quote, and it made me cry;
“he was the thing that healed her
that made her scars feel beautiful”
“she was always wild
but he had made her free”
These days I have looked back on the Kori that I was; and I have shed a lot of tears. That soul went through so much, and yet – she came out on the other side. She feels like a totally separate human that I am today.
I am 31, and I feel as though in the past 1.5 years I am starting to really step into my voice, and my power.
I have identified parts of my soul that I have deeply fallen in love with;
Woman are trained to be “modest”, and never admit self-love, or feeling beautiful. We deflect compliments and we do not own our amazing power. Well, I am here to OWN my beauty, and my voice, and my sexuality, and my truth.
I am here to say that I deeply love the human I am today.
One of the sides of myself that I have learned to embrace the most, is my inner witch – let me tell you about her…
My inner witch is a beautiful, healing, embodiment of femininity and Mother Earth. She is barefoot. She howls at the moon, she worships her body, she honors the cycles of the earth. She has a deep reverence for plant medicine and the powers of a life in synchronicity with Mother Earth. She deeply respects her tribe, her feminine powers and the need to have a balance of the masculine – not only in herself, but in the other humans that surround her. She has a heart of gold that requires the love of a man, and also the deep intimate love and solitude of self-care. She is dedicated to her rituals of self-love. She talks to trees, she prays, she believes in the divine – she knows that she is part of a bigger cosmic web, and she is here to stay connected, and grounded and make a positive difference.
Kaihla captured my soul at our free spirit retreat, and for the very 1st time in my life I love the images that I see. For the 1st time in my life my inner world matches my outer world; and that is just SO fucking goddess.