developing a relationship with {SELF}

Journal Entry

March 20, 2013

The biggest thing I am learning in therapy is self-compassion and self love .

I’m learning to be soft and vulnerable. I’m learning there is strength in soft, open , feminine energy.

I am learning to be seen and to show myself.

I’m learning that there is no “goal” and that the here and now is the lesson .

I have learned that loosing my dad hurt me more than I ever gave it credit, I have learned that I need a stable man in my life (or no man), because every time he is flakey or inconsistent it is internally traumatizing to me.

I am learning that I avoid “hurt” with an angry story, but if I stop, breathe and center 99% of the time I’m hurt. I’m learning that “hurt” is ok, and that also it must be felt.

I am learning that a relationship with God is key to my garden.

I have learned that in order for me to be balanced I need gratitude, prayer, deep connection, purposeful work, strong female relationships, self growth, counseling, earth foods, good wine and physical activity.

I am slowly starting to trust life again and I am deeply grateful for the “soul swamp” and for my year of dark thoughts, anxiety, depression and total melt down because it s only through the darkness that we begin to see the light.

I am so fucking scared for this next step – it makes me cry; not in a bad way – just a scared way.

Today I read some incredibly powerful words on nature of monogamy; and why so many of us humans fail at love. We fail at love and monogamy because we are not prepared to do the work it takes to fiercely love our partners goods and bads. Love happens to us – like a bolt of lightening; but in order to maintain love it takes an incredible amount of nurturing – just like a garden takes nurture, and care – so too do our relationships.

Love is not for the faint of heart.

Love takes all the dedication the heart has; and it’s worth it.

What I know to be true without a doubt is that developing a relationship with self requires just as much work, if not more work than developing a relationship with others.

Just because we are born in our bodies, does not mean we know ourselves.

Ourselves are constantly changing, and our hearts yearn for different things at different points in life.

On my last blog, someone asked me to elaborate on what self-care and self-love looked like for me… and so I reflected and this is what I have come up with:

For me, self-care meant creating the space to intimately get to know who I am and what my heart needs. It took patience. It took me sitting down with my own soul and uncomfortably sitting in the akward silence of not having a damn clue of who the fuck I am. It took journaling. It took trial and error. It took intention, and constantly going back to the drawing board of: Hands on the Heart and asking self “What is it that I need right now?”

….over, and over and OVER again – and again- and again.

As I created the space for me to show up to my own self, I got to know that spark that lives in me. I started to trust my own capability’s and uniqueness. I started to think I was interesting, and worthy. I gained courage to shine the light on the things I felt shameful about – I talked about them, and they lost power.

It was space that I needed to get to know who I was.

It was intimate dates with my own self that I needed.

It was hours of eye gazing with my own eyes to ponder who was behind the blue eye and black pupil.

Creating space for my relationship with self meant that I needed to consciously let go of the baggage that was distracting me and holding me back. I had to let go of anger – I had to be authentic and process it; but also, I had to

My rituals evolved into prayer, and gratitude. I developed a relationship with the divine. I looked at old wounds, and I sat with them – no where to go and nothing to do but authentically feel the pain that they evoked. I processed emotion. I learned to be compassionate with myself.

I learned to cry, with no need to justify why.

I learned to trust a few humans enough to really show up – flaws and all; I learned that they were unconditional in their love and it taught me that I was capable of being unconditional in my love for self.

No matter how broken my heart is. No matter how many times I trip and fall. No matter how many failures I endure – I learned to be soft and patient, I learned that I was worthy.

I looked at my soul like a garden, and I treated it like so. I weeded the soil – getting rid of toxic things in my life that no longer served me. I planted living things – things that lit me up;  things that grounded me and I focused diligently at nourishing my garden with compassion and patience. My life garden pillars started with:

-       Strong women – a tribe I could physically be around, and some elusive women I looked up to

-       Body – I needed physical movement

-       Self Growth – therapy, reading, and school

-       Spirit – developing a relationship with the divine

As I developed this element of fierce self love, boundaries become more important to me, because loosing what I had worked for in my relationship was not an option. I started to become like a fierce and protective mama bear to her own cubs.

I learned that my soul requires intention. Everything I do; everything I buy is with intention. I diligently work at staying awake at the wheel; and when I fall asleep and fuck up real bad, I simply wake up, forgive myself and get back to work.

I needed to create an atmosphere in my life, which reflected where I wanted my soul to go.

Having Love in your soul, for your soul is the most profound thing you can do not only for you, but also for all the humans in your life that you love. Learning to show up daily for your heart makes you better at showing up for others… My journey has been about letting it all go, surrendering into the lessons of the moment and deeply learning to care for my heart.

I think that is what this is all about – finding you heart, loving the shit out of it, creating divine space for self intimacy and then showing up for others as the best version of you that you can be.