As I get older, I seem to be getting more and more sensitive.
Although I have always been sensitive to food – I seem to be hypersensitivite these days. I have discovered I have almost zero tolerance for booze anymore, even a small amount of wine can be very unpredictable in how my body reacts to it. My body is communicating to me – although sometime it is annoying to listen to, I know now (from years of rebelling) that this divine body of mine will have her way, or she will get louder.
She demands attention and self-care.
Along side my increased sensitivity body wise, I am noticing a vast increase in my energetic sensitivities both in terms of my intuition, and also in the vibes I pick up from others, and the world.
It has been a giant struggle to come home to Calgary and try and sort out where my boundaries lay, and what is meant to be closest to my heart, and what I am meant to hold at a safe and respectful distance away from my heart. What is adding energy? What is taking energy? How does it feel to walk away from a person, place or situation? Due to this increased sensitivity I have been feeling, it’s left me with little choice but to acknowledge and honor it.
If I don’t honor it, I seem to slip into a fragmented state – either I am not feeling well, or my mind is racing, or I’m in tears. When I do honor it I seem to feel vastly different – motivated, connected, intuitive, joyful and at peace.
It takes all of my conscious effort not to get sucked into a vortex of energy (from strangers, family or friends), and to remain in contact with my own personal boundaries. This past Christmas weekend (although magical) has left me feeling overly depleted today – it’s been too many emotions, and old past stories and pains coming to my heart and mind that I have been unsure how to cope with.
Today I am tired and so run down.
It is easy to blame Christmas, and the wine and turkey for this feeling I have today – and yet, it is a familiar feeling. It’s this haul between Christmas and New Years that evokes a kind of funny energy – people are getting amped for the New Year, and spending time on preparing New years Resolutions; but yet there is still a binge and consumer mentality…. “Oh we can deal with our goals on January 1st”.
Energetically, something doesn’t match.
Bank accounts are in overdraft, and spending keeps happening.
Body hatred, and “getting to the gym Jan 1st” is the topic at hand, and yet an overconsumption of not-so-good-for-us foods are rampantly being devoured.
Why do we do damage only to have to pick up the pieces tomorrow… or Jan 1st?
Does anyone else see the insanity in this heard mentality?
What happened to self-care?
Don’t get me wrong –its ok to indulge, and enjoy the season – but can you tell when you have been swept away by the crowd mentality?
Can you decipher your choices from the “what we are told to think” choices?
I can feel myself being swept away by it today – I feel I should set New Years Goals – but then, I never set New years Goals; it’s just not what works for me. It’s not the model that resonates for me. But I feel this weird pressure, like I should do a juice cleanse and a 30 day yoga challenge – but why? There is nothing wrong with a cleanse or a yoga challenge – but why now? Where is this need coming from? What is the intention?
Is this my idea? Or the idea that is told to methat I should be doing at this time of the year?
The underlying force for me is guilt.
It’s a damn should.
It feels awful.
I know it feels awful because it feels sticky and energetically ‘un-right’; I know that because there are some things in my life that feel SO RIGHT -- and this doesn’t feel like that. I think that is sometimes all we need to feel to know that we are on a diverted path -- one that is potentially not our highest calling.
For a long time in my life I had to play out the whole story, allll the way to the end where I would say “OH, I knew my intuition was telling me something… I wish I listened”. That mind-set and doubt in myself really fucked me over, more times than once. I am learning to listen to that feeling, without needing proof of why I feel what I feel.
I feel it. That is proof enough.
This is not an easy lesson to learn, and I can tell you that it is isolating, and take immense amounts of courage to follow that gut feeling. But, it is worth it in the long run. That I know for sure.
Forcing myself to make New years Resolutions and run to the gym like a heard of cattle feels yucky to me. Binging on turkey, crappy food, and booze for the next few days while I wait for Jan 1st to start self-caring feels like a TERRIBLE idea to me. I’m not saying the gym is bad (obviously), if it feels good – do it! But do not forget to ask yourself WHY you are doing what you are doing. Where is your intention coming from? Is it deep self-care or guilt? Is in inspiration or societal pressures? Are you binging because you truly love the holiday foods, or is it because its socially acceptable right now to throw self-care on the back burner and wait until another day to look in the mirror and face the beautiful human you are with love?
Learn to trust that feeling that sometimes feels as vague as “ugh, I just can not put my finger on it…” that doubt means DON’T (as Oprah says!). Your feeling is enough; what you feel is real. If it doesn’t feel right, then do not do it: a relationship, a job, creating resolutions, habits… whatever!
Assess what feels good.
Good means GO.
Doubt means DON’T.
This is a time of the year that is heavily influenced by advertising and the companies reliance on our detrimental self-hatred to sell you shit you do not need. Before you do anything – including eating the 50th shortbread cookie this week, check in with your intention. Honor where you are at.
Why are you dong what you are doing?
If you want your New Years goals to last, they simply have to come from a deep place of self-care, and love. Guilt will not work long term. Shame is not fuel for evolution. Go to the gym because you love your body. Find a food plan that honors the earth, and enables body worship. Fuck the diets and the scales. If you are a 30-day-yoga challenge human because you LOVE it, go for it…. if its coming from guilt – toss it out.
Find your ever flowing and changing version of self-care, and learn to ride the wave.
For me, as I am becoming more and more and MORE sensitive my self care keeps changing on me. It calls for me to sit with it, reflect on it, and get to know it better. I am a work in progress, and part of how I want to show up in 2016 is honouring what feels right, and courageously cutting ties with things, habits, people, places that feel sticky or… “un-right”.
Maybe, for me – that is as far as I need to go with planning… maybe (for me) it is simply about honouring where I am at and trusting the whispers of life.
What do you think?
Are you awake at the wheel at this hectic time of year? Are you stuck in sticky vibes that feel less than amazing? Do you leave the dinner table or the party or the job feeling depleted? Does your relationship uplift you? Does the diet your about to embark on feel inspiring?
Check in with your heart.
Your heart will ALWAYS know better than your head.