How many times will I have to remind myself to
Sitting here in the forest I can get so overwhelemed with the questions of “what’s next”. Why am I always pondering that? Missing the moments at hand, worrying about moments that do not exist.
The place I long to be more than anything. The place my heart feels connected, the place I want to learn and evolve.
The place where my imagination used to take my spirit when days were tough. The place I dreamed of crafting elixirs and learning the healing medicine of Mother Earth.
My real life version of Burning Man – where there is authenticity and rawness. Where things are real and loving and beautiful.
She has been my teacher. She has guided my heart to see the places I want to go in this world, the passions I have and the difference I want to make.
She has taught me that I love Mother Earth. She has taught me my passions for healing, for herbs, foods and plant medicines. She has taught me connection and tribe. She has reminded my soul that my biggest longing in this lifetime is to protect her, and heal the people.
And at the same time…..
I’m scared of her dark nights. I am scared on my own out here. I worry about going for runs. I have no idea how to raise chickens or compost foods. Canning and preserving foods are not an art I know of. I missed the memo on planting a garden or harvesting it’s gifts. I have no idea how to live out here.
I want to be a healer.
I want to be a farmer.
I want to be a leader.
I want to know how to save the planet.
I want to know about the herbs, and understand the craft of herbal medicine.
I want to think like the indigenous people.
I want to know how to care for a garden, and hunt for mushrooms. I want to know how to raise chickens, and care for a shitake mushroom farm. I want to understand the knowledge of soil, and the ability to collect and harvest rain water.
I want to hear the voices of the trees and feel connected to the energies of the ancestors.
I want to do yoga on the damp moss and drum a hang drum in the loudness of the silent forest.
I want to respect the wisdom of the bears, and not fear them.
I want to craft tinctures and elixirs. I want to know about the local herbal gifts, and be able to apply them in healing and spiritual ceremonies.
Impatience is what I am experiencing.
The darkness of impatience brings me blankets of anxiety and an abundance of self-doubt, and insecurity. She deeply compromises my trust. She makes me feel as though I need to know it all NOW, otherwise I offer nothing to the world. She stops me from learning for she interrupts my connection to self with the lies of “all-or-nothing”. She tells me I am in a hurry. She tells me that I need to know the answers.
And then a dear goddess friend interrupts my wild, fast, impatient thinking with some calm grounded advise, she tells me:
“It's all a part of your work. Takes a lifetime, that's where the good stuff is. You have everything you need right now, and will learn what you are meant to in the time you are meant to!
you have so much skill already. Let the earth show you what you need in its time
Just be gentle with yourself. You are already a witch, it's in your heart and your blood. xoxo you don't need to know it all or do it all. This is where community and sisterhood come in. Everyone has skills and shared collectively, all those skills are way more valuable than individually”
And because of her, because of connection and tribe I feel a moment of answered prayers. I remember, because of those soft words that it is ok to be slow; it is ok to not know all answers - or any answers.
It is ok to breathe, to be vulnerable and to be scared.
Somewhere in my soul, I know I am here for a reason. I know I have been here a thousand times over. I know I am divinely guided by the ancestors and spirits. I know that my soul is connected to the forest, to healing and to the medicine of Mother Earth. Somewhere in my soul, I know that it is safe to trust.