{SELF-HATRED}, that bitch

So much change. So much busyness. So many emotions. Such a lack of ‘grounded-ness’.

I tend to run closer to high strung, more often than not. Stress seems to be my default way of coping in this world. “Our greatest strength is our greatest weakness”; and although my tendency to stress is what fuels my drive, dedication and desire to evolve, grow and make a difference, there is also a dark side, and I feel the effects of it: insomnia, anxiety, depression, mood swings, appetite imbalance, short temper… I get a little icy, a little closed off, a little “fuck-off-world”, a little “ get out of my way, I can do this ALONE – I don’t need anyone or anything”.

That is not evolved thinking. That is not a way to be vulnerable, soft and open. Where did all the work I have been doing go? Where is the softness? Where is my ability to ask for help? Breathe or slow down?

Oh I can be so hard on myself. It’s about the journey; it’s not about being perfect all of the time.

I’m living from a suite-case, bouncing from home to home – like a gypsy. I’ve always admired and loved that I have gypsy in my blood, in our ancestor line – I’m mad at myself for not loving living like this. I’m disappointed that it doesn’t feel right. I’m pissed off. I feel so unorganized. So uprooted. No where that feels like “my” witchy home to retreat too.

I’m an emotional roller coaster mess – wedding planning is simply not my cup of tea. I wanted it to get fun, but for me it was a lesson in dynamics, in self-care, in standing up for what me and my soon-to-be husband want and quitting my habitual tendency to hustle for approval. That means people are inevitably disappointed, and that feels like salt on an open wound to me. I’m angry with myself that I never enjoyed this process, that it was simply too raw and too emotional for me. I’m disappointed that this path didn’t bring me a bunch of fun and joy.


Mad that I run high-stress. Mad that I can be icy. Mad that I failed at being a gypsy, and mad that I failed at being into wedding planning… just generally a lot of self-hatred going on…


Self-Hatred, what a sneaky bitch, hey? She just sneaks in, shows up and leaches on – before ya know it, the bitch is sucking out your life force, your compassion, your self-care – and you are left weak, out of breath and unsure how to take the next step forward. Is it too late? Are all lessons un-done? Do I have the strength to move forward? Cuz, she is so powerful, and I’m so low and sometimes it’s just easier to let her take over.

But I know where that leads - living death; living people with dead souls. Erratic behaviour. Anger. Inability to relate, to connect or to stay soft.

 

Vulnerability. Softness. Authenticity. Connection. Community.

 

Those are my values. Those are how I desire to live my life.


Authenticity tells me this:

So what, Kori, you don’t like wedding planning. You did learn a lot. You learned to re-evaluate your boundaries. You learned not to take other peoples baggage on, no matter how much it breaks your heart to see those you love in pain – let people live and learn their lessons. You learned about your incredible need to hustle for others approval, you learned that you are worthy and you are allowed to have different, and sometimes opposing views to the way society works – that has always been a unique perspective and advantage for you. You are not a sleeping sheep, you are the type to shake up status quo and demand a better way of living for humanity. So ya, maybe it has not been 'fun' per-say, but it certainly has been a soul-enriching journey….

Remember, sometimes the darkness is the most divine.


Authenticity also says:

A shitty gypsy? PLEASE!!! You have learned in this process that you do not need to cling to knowing what’s next. Do you remember how much not knowing has brutally stressed you out and sent you into anxiety for the majority of your 31 years on this planet? Since the decision to quit your work and move to BC you have been on a journey of faith and allowing the great Universe to reveal your path, one-step-at-a-time. You have learned to let people take care of you, to open their doors and live in their homes. You learned unconditional love, you remembered what is like to sit late into the night with wine and a girlfriend and laugh ad cry and connect and talk soul-to-soul. You have learned flexibility. You have learned that it is more than just a home-base that can offer roots – it’s the people, it’s the ritual of the daily activities, its your bootcamp, its your blog. You have learned to lean into others; you have learned to ask for help.  These are wonderful qualities of a gypsy. You got it, Forest-gypsy, you got this!

Vulnerability & Softness tell me to {SLOW DOWN}, to be kind to self, to be a little more compassionate to my circumstances and my heart. Be patient and gentle. Vulnerability and Softness tell me to connect to heart, and heart tells me that I need a grounding ritual, a place to plant my roots. A room with a canvas and paint; a cupboard filled with magic potions, tinctures and herbs all ready to be brewed into specific elixirs for the soul; an alter filled with my carefully selected crystals; my forest tree…. So, I may not have my forest home right now or my tree to place my third eye on and cry – but I do have the ability to ground.

A traveling alter; journaling; blogging; the Light Cellar; a river walk; a visit to Dads grave; prayer; meditation; a paint night; my Bootcamps; a drum circle; a walk in the mountains; an earth ritual.

This place, this mental space, I have been here before… and I know what to do. 2 feet planted on the floor, right hand over heart, close eyes and breath – in & out; repeat. What lies just beneath the subtle dedication of the beat of my heart? Well, it feels broken, it feels a little lost, and a little alone. It misses Shane. It longs to slow down. It longs to bask in the process of life, and not rush to the destination. It longs to be cared for and nurtured. It longs to be acknowledged and heard, that’s is. The heart just wants to be seen. Who doesn’t?

So when things are dark, when you have become hard on yourself and nothing you do seems good enough, remember to {slow down} and connect. Connect to body, to earth, to air, to heart. Remember to bask in the darkness; that darkness is the birthplace of roots, of growth, of evolution. Remember this: 

ou are loved. You are where you should be. You are perfect. 

P.S... all blue haired free-spirit-pics are credited to the amazing Goddess kaihla!