For the majority of my walking days on this planet I have suppressed and denied the beauty of female anatomy. I grew up in a household that was fairy religious in our younger years, which meant that I went to a Catholic School and I was at a Baptist Church every Sunday – almost without fail until I graduated grade twelve. I suppose I held the belief that many women held about sexuality, the church and sin and, for me, this resulted in a very major disconnection between myself as a woman, my vagina and my ability to express myself in a sexual manor. I hated my vagina and I was really uncomfortable in the realm of masturbation, pleasure and sex. I bought into the idea that periods were inconvenient and disgusting; I was one of the classic girls in school that hid my tampons up my shirtsleeve so that no one would see it, as if to assume that a period is some sort of nasty sin. I didn’t understand my anatomy, my physical sense of pleasure, my ability to touch myself – or how to ask for what I wanted sexually (I had no idea!). I didn’t understand my hormonal cycle and I found myself believing in common, uneducated, repressive views that women were crazy, emotional and irrational beings and that it all was to be blamed on this unavoidable, uncontrollable curse: the period. Sex in my brain was all about pleasing the man and simply getting the act done and out of the way. I had no desire for it and simply pegged myself as a woman with “low-sex-drive”. I had not experienced orgasm until I was 29 or 30 years old (not with a partner or on my own) and I whole-heartedly believed that I was a damaged good. The amount of shame I carried with me was enormous and I felt so unbelievably embarrassed. I didn’t know how to talk about any of this and so I held in all in, not even being aware that this was not in fact normal – I figured all women felt like this.
My first experience having my beliefs challenged in this realm was when I read the book called ‘The Red Book: A Deliciously Unorthodox Approach to Igniting Your Divine Spark’ by Sera J. Beak. She talked in her book about Mother Mary AND dildo’s, she talked about sexual desire AND going to heaven.. . I have to re-read the book to be honest for it was such a long time ago BUT, something about this book really hit a chord within my soul, but back then I do not think I had full awareness to be able to evolve and change and adapt a new way of living; under the surface however, something was beginning to percolate and eventually I would find myself busting down all of these old limiting beliefs that I had picked up and held onto for far to long.
It was in holistic nutrition school that many more of the old, un-necessary belief patterns started to be questioned and looked at critically by my highest self. I had a teacher who was a Naturopathic Doctor and he taught us (among other things) anatomy and pathology and of course one of the units that went along with this topic was reproduction. Being in that class as an adult learner brought me back to biology thirty in grade twelve which happened to be the best class with my highest grades of any class I had ever taken in high school. I understood a lot of the science and concepts but it was the belief systems and personal application that tripped me up and had stunted my evolution.
So there we were in school with this male ND teaching us about female anatomy, hormonal cycles, masturbation, lube, tampons, self-care, sex, fertility, menopause and more. I had never met someone, let alone a man, know so much about female anatomy and deliver the education with such profound respect. He did not talk about the female cycle as being a pain-in-the-ass-curse and how women are moody and irrational during there moon-blood. No, he was so much the opposite. He spoke of female anatomy with unbelievable respect.
This was a major catalyst for me to look deeply at the belief systems I had that were quiet frankly holding me back from full self-love and self-acceptance. I have made it my mission in my existence to look at thought patterns and belief systems in my own life that trigger me and evoke resistance, suppression and denial and shine light on them to a place where I can see clearly. Sexuality and vagina-love has been no different. It is amazing to me the more I dive into the realm the more I learn of other women who are in the exact same boat as I was: unable to orgasm, shaming their basic bodily functions and missing the miracle of what it means to be in a body that is capable of such miracles.
Our periods give life! That is a miracle all on its own accord. It is not inconvenient, silly or something to joke about. It is not disgusting and it does not turn women into frantic lunatics. Our vaginas are sacred, or ability to receive pleasure is (in my opinion) one of the most feminine traits of all. How many women refuse to receive pleasure, and not just sexually? How many want to give and nurture and take care of others but refuse to let the guard down and be cared for by another? How many women are slowing down and listening to the subtle vibrations of their hearts and honouring what their soul needs? How many are allowing them selves rest? Naps? And masturbation? How many women understand their own anatomy and hormonal cycles? How many women have looked at their own yoni in a mirror and gotten to know what she looks like – how many offer gratitude? How many women know the dangers of bleached, GMO tampons? How many know that coconut oil is one of cleanest lubes a human can use? How many pay attention to fantasy or view sexuality (solo or with a partner) as divinely spiritual and a golden opportunity to self-love? How many track their cycles and intimately know how to care for their physical, spiritual and emotional needs and the hormonal cycle unfolds monthly? How many women respect female anatomy?
Part of my personal work in letting my guard down and in turn allowing my heart to shine is learning to lean into my divine femininity, which (for me) means learning how to love my vagina and care for my reproductive organs including my ability to receive pleasure. This work blared me in the face and was un-ignorable and to be honest has been some of the most empowering work I have ever done.
I wish this for all women.
I wish this for all humans.