{SHEDDING} & trusting

I went to see my marvellous therapist last week, and came home and immediately got to my homework, and journaling my learning’s – this is what I wrote – I wasn’t going to share it, as it’s sort of ‘journal-y’, but I feel a deep pull to post this edited version.

So here we go – in honor of April and the wild theme of letting go and having faith in uncertainty, I bring to you, my Friday Ramblings. Thank You in advance for being human along side with me, and thank you for your amazing feedback and for the wonderful emails I continue to receive each week after I post a blog entry. You are so vulnerable, and so beautiful.

The process of human growth is no different that the process of a snake shedding it’s skin; in order for a new coating of skin can grow the old must be shed off and left behind. And I think it’s safe to assume that this is an uncomfortable process for the snake.

Another metaphor:

The process of human growth is no different that buying new furniture for a home; the old furniture must be rearranged, and some must be purged in order to make way for the new – or the room will be ugly, over crowded and un-functional.

As humans, we want to evolve, become better people, think newer more humble thoughts, show up to life in a more rooted and grounded state of mind… we want to grow, we want to get better at this thing called life. In order for us to welcome the new, we must be able to let go of the old.  I almost wonder if this phase is in fact more challenging than the 1st phase. I’m sure I only feel that way, because I am in the letting go phase and there are elements that break my heart, and there are elements that freak me out a little.

I have spent my life learning skills (as we all do), and I spent the past 3 years focusing intently on learning skills of self-love, self-care, boundaries…. and I now find myself in a very interesting and new territory…

I feel like a snake. I am shedding what no longer works, I can visibly see it happening in my life – old jobs are falling aside, old friendships are evaporating and showing true colors, food sensitivities are being louder and more annoying, new jobs are showing up, old friendships that are divine are running real deep roots and are becoming stronger and stronger, my relationship with Shane is the most divine and deeply loving thing I have ever been involved in.

Getting married is a rite of passage – one I had not prepared myself emotionally for – I had no idea what to expect. I am constantly walking down memory lane and letting go of the old: old relationships, old stories, old fears… I am letting go of the way things were to welcome what will be. I am moving forward in the direction WITH another human, and not solo…. This is very different. Don't get me wrong, I adore this process, but there is an element to it that I had not been prepared for. 

This time in life, feels very much like a funeral for old attachments to the past. It’s all about cutting cords, thanking life for the blessings of the experiences and truly letting go. Mourn it. Feel it. Cry tears for what was, and then: let.it.go. Make room for the new. Trust the process of the new… Power Path’s Monthly forecast says this message perfectly:  “Trust that what is coming your way as an opportunity is real, and accept it with enthusiasm and gratitude.”

Letting go requires mourning, and stepping into the new requires trust.

As old layers shed, I feel a bit like a baby bambi with wobbly legs – and Im falling and unsure how to stand. Life is offering me triggers, as if to ask me “Kori are you sure you want this path” – and I feel them, and I feel when I react in my old ways – drama, anger, insecurity – I feel my soul gets deeply jolted and the pain is so intense I am forced to completely stop what I am doing and look into what happened – I then can see things for what they are and go back to the situation and try again.

I am in a deep process of shedding skin. 

The process of shedding, for me, feels a little messy – it feels like everything is cracking open, and changing and shifting. While I am in this place I feel a wide range of emotions – many are emotions of gratitude and excitement; but simultaneously I feel a deep, heart wrenching pain that I can only equate to grief.  Its like, though the process of evolution as I find the places I no longer fit – the jobs that no longer fit, and the relationships that has seen their expiry date and no longer serve my soul – it’s a mini death, and it hurts.

In letting go of the old, I am figuring out a new way of showing up in life, I am re-learning life.

Re-Learning my body – from moon cycles and femininity to the type of food that no longer (no matter how many times I try) works with my digestive system, to my physical exercise, RUNNING HURTS – I have got to stop doing it. Yoga is calling my name and has been for years – stop-fucking resisting.

Re-Learning fierce boundaries – I have worked hard to create my delicate self garden which is filled with tiny vulnerable sprouts of dreams, and self love – I must develop the part of my psyche that fiercely protects the delicate elements of my soul that I have worked so hard to sprout.

Learning to embrace the enemy – they wont all like me, some will boldly try to knock me down. And as I move into my power, and I continue to do my work I become a direct threat for the egos of the world – those who do not do their soul work and only want to project their shit into me…. I must learn to develop my crone, my dark witch to fiercely protect my garden.

Re-Learning Trust – its ok to love. It’s ok to let my heart out and hand it over, it’s ok to feel so overwhelmed with love that it hurts my heart, and stops by breath – the risk is worth it – trust the process.

Re-Learning Trust for God – I’m allowing myself to be pulled in a direction in the name of faith and intuition – a ‘homeless’ public speaking gypsy who is half in the city and half in the forest dreaming of changing the world – and for the 1st time, I am ok with that.

Re-Learning Dreams – I want to live on a farm, I want to be a farmer, I want to lead the feminine energy of this world, I want to deliver babies and have my own one day – these were NOT goals on my radar, its taking me some getting used to, and some acceptance.

Re-Learning Anger – Im trying to find new outlets to diffuse and download this emotion. I used to cope with this in a very dysfunctional and damaging way – as I grow and learn, I also see that those old ways no longer fit – so how does one process emotions without stifling them and ignoring them? I am working on it.

Re-Learning Confidence – I do have something valuable to say, its ok that I have forged my own path, I have my own ways of setting goals, and my own ways of leading people. I have my own ways of healing and I have my sacred people I share that with.

Re-Learning Friendship – some were based on “a season a reason or a lifetime” and some were based on some form of unhealthy energy. They are evaporating and they feel like mini deaths, and it hurts. But others are developing unreal rooting systems that resemble the magic mycelium of the mushrooms on our globe, a true gift of tribe and connection. 

I am Discovering my LOVE for mother earth.

In order for me to navigate my way through this stormy sea of letting go, I must remember all that I know about staying grounded and self-loving.  Exercising, breathing, healthy foods, meditation, friendships, transparency, and writing.

Today it is time to surrender to the bigger magic of this divine planet. Letting go calls for a cultivation in 2 things: 1.{mourning} 2. {trusting}. We are in this together. Lets just get down to business and feel what shows up, with raw authenticity.