march journal {one}: i'm sorry + here's the truth

1st of all, I am so sorry that I have been absent on this platform. This journal + these words are truly some of my greatest medicine not only for self, but as it turns out - for the world.

I'm sorry for going MIA.

I want to tell you a little about my process over the past 2.5 months. 

So much has happened in my internal world; namely - giving up alcohol. For me it's been a very interesting & challenging truth to come to terms with. I always thought I was a "heavy drinker", a woman who "loved wine" , or a "party girl" & while I do still love dancing & festivals, the truth about alcohol is that once I start, I don't know how to stop. I've learned alot over the past 72 days since choosing to admit that I am alcoholic -- I have an obsession of the mind & an undoubted allergic reaction of the body to this stuff. As I have lifted this veil it's been amazing at the plethora of whats surfaced & for me, the "pink cloud" I hear about (the white eyes, increased energy, mental clarity etc etc etc) has been absolutely absent in my process. 

And, thats ok. 

I become obsessive in other areas as emotional junk & memories have rampantly surfaced. Quickly I started to experience physical sensations of the emotional & spiritual wounds that made their way into my peripheral vision -- all the little ghosts & gremlins simply waiting for me, as if to say "we will get you", "we are watching". 

The interesting thing about all of this is that it did not plumet me into sheer darkness; I have simultaneously been experiencing really profound joy in certain areas of my life specifically, my marriage + my business + my ever evolving self-compassion. I have not  -- in any-way -- hated myself through this sticky + uncomfortable journey. 

I've spent a tun of time over the past 2.5 months with my face in my journal, reading books on wellness/food/trauma/addiction etc, visiting my wellness team (my ND, my therapist, my witchy energy healer & my TCM doctor, my new coach) & lots of time working in a fellowship on the 12 steps. 

So this process for me has been a very active process of healing & simultaneously a deep call into stillness, observation & surrender. 

So that's what I have been doing.

Why have I not shared this journey with you all?

Well, there has been 2 reasons:

Reason 1: I needed some time to get still and digest while putting the energy that I did have on my amazing clients... I was spending my time being extremely active on my A COURSE IN THE RITUAL OF SELF CARE tele-course FB group + my TRIBE FOR A YEAR group. 

Reason 2 is the one that really fucked me up & had me think + think + think....

Reason 2: I listened to a podcast, a powerful one, that brought up the topic of "over sharing in the name of attracting new clients". I had to step back & get really clean on what my intentions are in sharing.

Am I sharing my personal life as a sneaky means to get new clients?

Are my intentions pure?

Am I truly doing this for the wellbeing of the world or am I doing this as a marketing tool.

It took me alot of thought & many conversations with my wonderful husband who reminded me over + over that part of my soul work is sharing (of course he used different dialogue!).

I won't lie, it's wonderful when I share my story & someone feels connected enough that they begin a journey of working with me. It's nice to connect & of course be able to run a business doing what I love. But after great thought I have to tell you something with real, true, 100% honesty....

Here is the truth...

If I never got a single new client from sharing my story, my truths, lessons joy's + pains....

I WOULD STILL TELL MY STORY.

You know why?

Becasue I believe that stories fucking HEAL.

I do. I believe with every ounce of my being. Stories Heal. Connection Heals. Tribe Heals. Knowing we are not alone HEALS.  

I started my 1st blog when I was about 23 years old -- I had no business & I was not a coach. I remember getting the 1st FB message from a total stranger saying "me too... your works make me feel like I am not alone" & I will never forget that feeling. I will never forget feeling like "wow, the world thinks they are alone. what if we all just started to share? we would ease the burden, becasue we would know we are not alone"

And so, I share to ease the burden.

So that you know that you are not alone. 

I have a gift of sharing, I am not afraid to be real, vulnerable, open & uncomfortably raw. I am not afraid to talk about addiction, depression, abuse & shame. It does not scare me to know that many people who read my words do not like what I have to say.

You know why?

Becasue almost daily I get a message from someone I don't know who says "me too". One person is all it takes to fuel my heart to keep going. To know that one human in this entire world feels a little less alone becasue of the words I have shared makes it worth it a million times over for me.

Clients or not. Making money or not. Changing the whole entire world or one tiny human's life -- it doesn't matter to me. I can say after careful reflection, that I share my truths to contribute to the wellness of our world. Yes, making money is great. YES, gaining clients is great... but at the base, at the foundation -- I share becasue I earn with all of my heart to make a difference & this is one means that I know how. 

So, thank you for reading my words.

Thank you for walking this path with me.