when {darkness} surfaces

writing is a tool that i use to piece some of my shattered parts back together; writing is a medicine for me and so as i sit down this morning with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and a heart that hurts for infinite reasons i write in the name of moving a tiny bit deeper into the centre of my heart - the seat of my soul. 

i seem to be a type of human that teeters into darkness more often than the average human, or so it seems to me anyway. i don't know if i am prone to self-destruction and numbing out of if i simply feel most comfortable with wounds of my darkness. i share my experience in honesty for i know i am not alone and i wholly believe we heal when we share our human experience. 

staying soft and open, for me continues to be one of the most challenging pieces of work i have ever had to face. i got asked the question this week, "where are you naturally soft and feminine without trying?". I have been stumped - frozen like a deer in headlights. staying soft for me feelings like not itching my body when i am covered in chicken pocks -- it is so uncomfortable at times. staying soft for me feels like my whole body is inside out and my heart beats amongst the storm of life, totally and completely vulnerable to the elements. there are very few places that i have been able to surrender into softness and trust the process.

i preach softness. i teach women every-single-day how to find their femininity and open up their beating hearts. i teach the ritual of self-love and self-compassion as a full time job and a full time passion. but when i am asked a question like that i can not find my answers, i do not know where it is that i am soft. 

right now in my life i am just simply hurting. hurt can surface for a multitude of reasons; one of the pieces of golden advise i have received from my therapist is that we can not label or judge our human emotions for they surface for all and any reason - there is an infinite number of reasons for us to feel the feels we currently feel. so, i refrain from labeling and judging the why's as to where i am emotionally residing; but i do not refrain from feeling all of it. i have learned to allow the emotions to surface and flow through my being. i have learned the power of surrendering to the tears and feeling all of my feels.  

i seem to self protect by shutting down emotionally. i become unavailable to those who are closest to me. my heart builds a wall of protection and i fall into the abyss of distance and numbing out. i am not fully sure what i am protecting myself from - fear? loneliness? abandonment? people dying? anger? who really knows. i could come up with a myriad of stories to explain why i am the way i am - but those stories are getting old, they play like a broken record in my mind. at some point here i will have to choose if i am ready to stop being defined by the stories of my past and start to step into the light of my potential. i am so keenly aware that this is what my souls next step is and yet i kick and fight and struggle for reasons i can not understand. 

i have been hunting for the answer to the question of "where i show up naturally soft and feminine" and I think the answer lays within my work. i hold space in such a strong but soft way for others to find their light and simply sit with their darkness. i adore the process of watching humans fall deeply into the spaces of their own hearts for this is the work of warriors - this is work of the bravest souls - our earthly light workers. i find true gratitude in witnessing what this human experience is like for others; it is so tough at times to be human and baring witness is such a pleasure.  therapy has been one of my sacred places to discover my softness. falling in love with my bearded man was another profound moment in my existence where - for whatever reason - i was able to drop my protection and allow myself to vulnerably fall into a deep state of love knowing that this particular man was capable of holding my heart. 

sometimes life is hard and often times we do not have full understanding as to the 'why's'. sometimes when life gets filled with all the feelings and we want to run away we get lost in our minds and we run circles like a hamster on a wheel trying to make sense of our darkness and discomfort. we want to know the answers and the why's before we are willing to take step deeper into the seat of our own soul. we run from and suppress the depths of feelings in our humans hearts. becasue holy shit man, our hearts are so unbelievably equipped to feel such enormous depth - it can knock the wind right out of us; it is that intense. life is that intense. we met loved ones, we loose loves ones, we can not make sense of our pain or the enormity of our human experience. we watch the world crumble in racism and hatred and war. we loose jobs and struggle to pay bills. we grow older and find ourselves in positions we never thought we would, regrets we never thought we would have. and when in pain we ask and ask and ask for answers. we want to know why and how and the what to do's. we fear sitting in the darkness for it often feels like it will swallow us whole - and sometimes it does. 

but here is the thing: often times it wont. 

our job is to sit where we are at. we do not get to know all of the answers. sometimes our job is simply to place one hand on our heart and allow whatever is beneath the surface the authenticity and permission of showing up and being released. our job is to honour where we are at. it wont always make sense and so often it will be messy but our soul needs it - we need to allow the space for our broken pieces to be seen.... by our own selves. and in this place we call on self-compassion and we must be sure to offer our selves some fucking patience. to heal we must surrender into our most painful places, we simply have got to learn to hold our souls with all of the love and know that one step and then the next is the simple process to finding self-care. one foot, then then the other. 

this is the big work. 

we learn to lean into the pain and the pleasure of where we are at. no where to go and nothing to do but feel what you feel. this is the work of the warrior, this is the work of the bravest souls. wherever you are at, please know that you are not broken and you do not need to be fixed. 

my hope for you is that you can find peace where you are at in this moment. your soul is yelling at you to please slow down and just fucking look! just see it. just look at yourself - the beauty of your body and miracle of your life. you are worthy - flaws and all. you are needed. please do not give up on your own beautiful self. 

we need you. life needs you. your soul needs you. wherever you are at: it is ok.