My head has been in and out of excitement and feeling a deep sense of unworthiness. I’ve been elated and anxious. Excited and self-hating. I have been in an inner battle of jealousy, comparison, and self-deprecating thoughts.
Suddenly my focus has been on the # of followers I have on instagram, as if to say that is a measure of worthiness. I weigh success by the number of likes a post has on FB.
As soon as I step into a place of making a vision a reality, vulnerability swoops in and can hit me like a tun of bricks. Who I am to lead people? Who will listen to what I have to say?
I am collaborating an unreal retreat with a few women I have deep respect for, and rather than feeling elated – I felt a daunting pain of self-pressure whispering in my ear that I will never measure up.
This is not the 1st I have experienced this heaviness.
I remember clearly the day in Victoria that I got the program for the conference I was speaking at – other than my other Holistic Nutrition friend they ALL had friggen doctorates, and heavy duty degrees and education. They were all experienced doctors, and scientisits…. Who was I? Why the hell was I asked to be there? I cried. I sobbed. I felt only 1.5 inches tall in such a big and scary world. It ended up being amazing!! And from that conference I got hired to lead my 1st ever full week long retreat – a retreat I designed, and lead on my own. It was the same battle, and of course, same outcome - amazing! Fun!
Another good example of this war:
Applying for a new job.
Speaking your truth.
Asking for what you want.
I was both elated and excited the past 2 days as Kaihla and I got our retreat together and posted it online for everyone to see – online for all people to see us at our most vulnerable… our noodie toodie selves.
The storm in my head is wild, and yet, I know I am not unique. I know I am not alone.
I went to the ocean, had a cry, and a prayer and a good journaling session – and I am sharing that with you today. As always, this is going to be raw, and real.
I am enough. My mantra.
I live unapologetically. I’m real. I’m raw. I’m authentic.
I want to make a difference. I want to leave this planet better than I came to it.
I usually travel the road less travelled, or rather – a road I completely foraged for myself.
I follow my heart. I take uncalculated risks that my brain can not comprehend in the name of my souls yearning.
I think big – I dream even bigger.
This doesn’t mean I have it all together. I am often scared to my core. I fight worthiness daily.
As the moments I dream deepest about come to manifestation in my life, I have a deep urge to run away – to hide – anywhere. Suddenly the ego rears it’s head and the battle for worthiness takes centre stage.
Who am I to lead? Who will listen to me? Do I deserve an inspired life? Do I deserve for my dreams to come true? They after all have more education, more experience, more followers on social media, more credentials. They are skinner, fitter, stronger, prettier, a better mother…. Bla blab la (you know this list!)
The voice tells me:
“you are not good enough…. Yet” – its always dangling the carrot…. ‘good enough’ is always just about in arms reach.
What a mind fuck.
Worthiness traps me in the land of my dreams merely being a collage on a vision board.
So, I flip back to my mantra:
I am enough.
Right now, in this moment I am enough. Goals or no goals. Success or no success. I am enough.
I unplug from FB, from email, from text and instagram and I choose to take my pen and paper out to the front yard and look at these thoughts right in the eyes – and I see them for what they are: ego. And with that, I choose something different for myself, something self-loving.
I choose surrender. I choose to drop the weapons from the worthiness battle and consciously step into my magnificence knowing that I am right where I should be. I am enough. I deserve to be here.
Its not about the outcome, its about showing up. It’s about living on purpose. It’s about honoring the values we have for ourselves. Courage takes a priority in my life, and with that comes the calling to strip down, get real, get vulnerable, be authentic – and show.up.
So I am. I’m here. I’m here to be seen, nudie toodie and all. I am here to do my best and follow my heart.
And the unreal thing is that the more I show up, the more life seems to lead me to the next step…. And it’s scary; it would be easier to play small and invisible…. But that route wont shake things up, that route doesn’t call me to evolve and grow…. And that’s what this life is all about.
I will leave you with my fav poem:
Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
To you, who read this blog – you are magnificent. You are enough. You are worthy. Your goals are worth every ounce of excitement you have in your heart. You are loved, deeply.