journal 05. disoriented

30 days in a row I have woken up in sunny San Diego to a new life, a new chapter, and a new + unfamiliar adventure. 678 days in a row I have woken up sober, hangover-free, and in pure awe at how deeply this process has not only changed every single aspect of my outer life but also recalibrated me on the most basic cellular level. Nothing is the same, and it just keeps shifting for me. My foundation cracked, exploded, lit ablaze…. it’s gone, that old foundation is so far gone that there lays zero trace that it even once existed. The outside continues to shift, the insides continue to change, and I am quite honestly dizzy, disoriented, and a wee bit panicked. Today is the 1st day in the past 30 days that I have cried tears that sprouted deep within my soul; I feel vulnerable, a little scared, a lot grateful, and totally out of control. My tears today are the ones that only faith in something deeper could comfort, today's tears feel enormous, the vulnerability I feel is piercing.

Life is good right now, I am here for beautiful reasons, and I know to the very depth of my soul that this is right for me. It's exciting. And it's painful, and sometimes it takes all I can muster to suit up and show up, sometimes I want to resort to hiding. Sometimes it all feels so big, and so daunting. I can see things dying - old relationships, belief systems, perspectives; and I can see things sprouting - new relationships, belief systems, perspectives. And I have no control over either the death or the birth, I am just here witnessing it, trying not to be so attached to it, and attempting to hand control over and surrender. It’s been 678 days of the veil, after veil, after veil, after veil being lifted from my life, my soul, my very existence and I do not know where my footing is, but do we ever truly know that? I mean I know where I am right now ion this moment - I am here, and vulnerable, and grateful, and dizzy. I am dizzy, I can feel my footing, I can see the dizzying colours of life, I can feel where I am; maybe that's all we need to know? Maybe right here and right now is all we ever get, perhaps the rest if just illusion? Well, I have no illusion right now, I just have the right-here-and-right-now. And that’s ok, it’s not a bad thing at all, it’s actually so good, it's just the dizzying nature of change.

The past 2 years have been nothing short of unbelievable, I mean that’s the only real words I can think of - I can barely believe what has transpired, what has changed, who I have begun to become. My whole life is different. My friends are different, my relationship to God is new, my reactions are different, my way of life + activities are different. It’s all so different, and I have not caught up - I still do not know who I am, or what I am supposed to be doing, and that freaks me out and makes me panic, and a panicked me wants to assert control, and manipulate things into a fine self-righteous order, so that I can gain my illusion of control back, and feel better.

Cuz I’m scared. And faith-filled.

Scared + faith, that makes no sense.

But that feels right, it feels true, I feel both. Faith one moment, fear the next. Surrender one breath, panic the next. I feel like more than one person, with more than one voice.

It's so disorienting.

My mind is not all there, so it seems.

From day one this sober journey has been a brilliant, beautiful, painful, awe-inspiring mind-fuck; from day one it’s changed my whole-entire-everything; I do not feel like the old me anymore, nothing fits, and yet I’m not too clear on the ‘new me’ either. I feel like I am in the hallway of identity hell - not who I was, not yet who I am too be - just here, sort of naked, totally exposed, kinda outta body, a little shell-shocked, alot in-awe, and just trying to remember to breathe. I feel like I am no longer the character of Kori, and yet I have not been assigned a new character to play; I'm not fighting it, it just feels very weird.

I know what my work is right now, I know my job is to keep things super simple, I know that 'being' is my medicine and 'doing' (at least for now) is an escape. I know I need the medicine, and I must avoid the escape - less list crafting, more prayer; less planning, more taking in the simple beauty + adventure of a new city. I know self-compassion is needed as I trudge through this beautiful landscape, and I am totally aware that as long as I continue to surrender, and pray, and ‘do my work’ (on life’s terms), life will continue to guide me - one step at a time.

I know these things. My intellect has an A+ in these things,

but I must act these things out, do these things, physically continue to fall to my knees as many times through the day as it takes to remain an open canvas.

So that’s where I’m at, in a place of bright, sparkling beauty, a place where the clouds have parted and the joys of life have begun to sprout, and yet... I’m not used to this and I do not know quite yet how to ‘be here’, and that’s ok. I don't need to know, the big picture and the deeper 'how-to's' are none of my business, all I need to know is the next best thing, and right now that looks like typing out some very confusing pieces from my overactive mind as I cry tears of total clarity from my heart.

Only Love, - k