journal 06. g r a t i t u d e

Something is shifting in me. 

My edges are becoming softer, the compassion I have in my heart is becoming larger - it's appearing in places I never expected to. I am witnessing myself experiencing the desire to apologize for my role in dynamics I thought I had no role in. It's becoming clearer + clearer that the world does not, in fact, revolve around me - a humbling, freeing, and ego kicking truth. Resentments are lifting and anger ceases to be my number one 'go-to'. Old memories are surfacing, and with that has come a slew of old belief systems (and awareness around those belief systems) that truthfully are no longer serving me, nor did I even know they were running my life. Clarity around the pain I have experienced in this lifetime has arisen, and suddenly it seems to have loosened its death grip on me. The dark story is getting old - old as fuck - and in its place seems to be bolts of bright light. It's like the old ways are slipping out of my grips, and this new 'me' is emerging; it's fucked up - its brilliant, and frightening; exhilarating, and humbling, it's foreign and alien all at once. 

It's got me crying. 

And laughing. 

It's got me in a sort of daze - but not a 'lost-in-la-la-land' sort of daze, more of a 'holy-shit-this-life-is-WOW' kind of daze. I'm speechless a-lot more, colours are more dimensional, I see what I have never seen before. I feel a lot less productive in terms of creating content for work, and I am being deeply drawn to sitting with spirit through 12 step meetings, prayer, journaling, and unnamed tears that come from deep unknown places. It's strange. The yearnings are shifting, the thoughts are starting to appear in ways that I have never ever experienced. 

Mostly, this strange shift has got me sort of sitting on the sidelines watching in total awe. What the F is happening to Kori? Where is she? Who has taken her place? It's a good thing, don't get me wrong, it just feels so enormous. 

A year ago I have a journal entry in which I described my pure fear about how the day would unfold; I was ready that day to say a farewell to this world; I was in such despair. I was in early, early sobriety, and my life had quite literally turned directly inside out right before my eyes. It imploded, it exploded, it blew the fuck up. It was enormous in its pain, the heartache was absolutely physical. I was unsure I could summon the strength to make it through and to be honest, I was unsure I wanted to. I had been accustomed to this sort of darkness while drinking, but a sober need to end it all was frightening to me. I leaned in deeply to the pain in those days, I worked my 12 steps, I reached out to my best friend and my Mum on an every-day basis. I cried. And I prayed. And I took it all one moment at a time, one breath and then the next. I moved slow. I felt it all. I vowed to grief that I would be a teachable and willing student, and I learned to shut my mouth and listen. 

That was only a year ago. 

I remember clearly having a deep urge a year ago to walk the El Camino de Santiago in Spain, I have never been religious, but I had an unexplainable need to be with Spirit. To this day, I have not shaken that need - it is still very much a part of me. I knew then that I was on a path that would alchemize my heart, and while I did not travel to Spain and sleep on church floors, I have found deep base music, trance parties, and love that has defiantly connected me to my version of a higher power. I have no doubt that I have found faith, no doubt at all.

There was no pink cloud on my journey, it was hard and then it got harder.

But today it's all so different. 

Today I am really feeling connected to the mystery of it all. Today the gratitude I feel stings my heart; for the first time in my life, the light side of life has become a very real, and very physical sensation. Joy feels intense, compassion takes my breath away, faith leaves my belly feeling full, in an actual physical sense. 

It's so strange, I cannot explain it, but hot damn am I ever grateful for this sneaky and mysterious path. 

One foot at the next. 

All of the Love,