journal 00. faith without works is dead

I have spent my whole life waiting for the 'grande scroll' to fall from the sky; the one that boldly lets me know my life plan and all of the steps I will need to make in order to create an exuberant life of meaning. My prayers have always been a dialogue asking (or rather, demanding) the creator for what I think I need, asking for my dreams to come true, begging and pleading for circumstances to change or morph in a way that I feel is more fitting for my secret agenda on my life. 

As I wait for the 'grande scroll', the 'holy grail of kori's magical to-do's', I miss the right-here-and-right-now-next-best-step. I wait for the ah-ha, and I miss the fact that my registration is due. I stare at the sky waiting for the heavens to part and the choir to come down, and as I am lost in la-la land, I forget to pay a bill or be unwaveringly faithful to my word. My life gets a little sloppy when I am busy waiting for the magic of tomorrow's and missing the divine communication of the here-and-now.

Each time I miss the 'thing' that is right in front of me, my faith in life cracks deeper, and my trust falters. Why the fuck are the cosmos not answering my prayers, giving me what I think I need? Why do I not receive guidance? How come I can't hear it?

It has become obviously clear to me lately that I am receiving guidance; I am constantly being shown what the next best step is, it's just that I'm busy looking out for a 'more enlightened next best step', that the seemingly 'mundane next-best-step' feels un-godlike, easy to ignore, and impossible to relate to faith. 

The missed 'mundane steps' ( filling the tank with gas, picking up pooch poop, renewing registration, breathing, getting to a 12 step meeting, hanging my clothes up at the end of the day etc.) creates havoc + chaos in my life, and this creates a deep sense of alone-ness. It separates me from my spiritual practice, and it pushes me further away from my version of God, and from self. 

However, when I spend my time totally engaged in what is directly in front of me - the seemingly mundane - my life begins to work a little better; I cease being at war with the 'rules of life', and I find myself living life on life's terms. Honouring the 'mundane' and living life on life's terms is changing everything for me, It seems simple and really .... un-magical, but real miracles are happening for me as I practice living like this. 

Each time I engage in the next-best-step, I cultivate a deeper sense of self-loyalty, I feel proud of myself, I feel more deeply connected to self, which turns into self-worth. Each time I complete the next-best-step, the 'mundane-right-in-front-of-me-next-best-step', life works a little better. (example: I do not get pulled over by a cop to get fined for out-of-date-registration, and then head to the registry to find $1200 of unpaid parking tickets - true story, that amazingly enough has been a pattern in my adult life as I stubbornly continued to say 'fuck it to the rules'... amazingly that attitude doesn't work - go figure!)

The next-best-step is creating a smoother life-ride for me, and the smoother it is, the more trust I seem to be building back up in this existence.

At the base of my character defects is an enormous mistrust in life, I know where it came from - dad died suddenly on summer holidays - I also know that this is a piece that cannot continue to rule my life. The chapter of my life touched my heart, but it should not haunt my every moment. That one event is not a predictor of all events, but my mistrusting reaction and my rebellion against life perpetuates this self-fulfilling prophecy that "life doesn't have my back"

It's just so obvious to me from this standpoint; if I rebel against the simple next-best-steps as I wait for the big glamours ah-ha moments, life doesn't work well and life ceases to flow with any sense of ease. Once life ceases to flow, my ego proudly feasts on that stinky + untrue belief system that 'life doesn't have my back'. However, if I do the "un-glamorous-next-best-step" life flows with ease, and I feel supported.

When I feel supported, I feel deeper faith. When life is smooth, I do not feel alone. 

And the miracle begins,

the wound starts a healing journey;

faith blossoms;

self-worth elevates; 

and life + I appear to co-exist, and further... co-create. 

The simple next-best-step, the seemingly 'un-magical' and 'un-heavenly' next-best-thing that presents itself is God (or whatever you want to call it) saying

Do it.

Do the thing in front of you.

Stop analyzing it and making it so fucking complicated. Just do what presents itself; once we do it (whatever it is) life flows a teeny tiny bit better, and the flow leads us to the 'mundane-next-best-step'.

All these mundane moments add up to a vast and beautiful treck through the mystery of this life.

And you know what else?

Often these 'un-heavenly-next-best-steps' seem totally unrelated to the prayers and demands that we are making on the cosmos;

and sometimes they are - but I am telling you -  if you just do whats in front of you, you will be in AWE at where it leads you. Sometimes it leads us directly to the hopes we have, other times it leads us far past our hopes, into a realm we could have never dreamed up ourselves. And other times, life gets dark and stormy and we find ourselves asking "WHY???", and still the next-best-step-philosophy remains true. One moment at a time, one foot and then the next. 

We do not know what we need. We do not have the true wisdom to pray for 'our own agenda'; us humans do not have that sort of insight. So, we must surrender.

The best thing we can do is pray that our lives become of service, that the will of the cosmo's works through us, and for the strength to be able to do the thing that presents itself, however big and bold and magical, or however... mundane. 

This is the work that builds faith. 

Stop waiting for the bolt of lighting to come into your life to reveal the why's and the how's and the big ol' future predictions, and start to practice listening to the fact that the cosmo are in fact speaking to you. The question simply becomes, 'are you willing to do what it presents itself; are you willing to listen no-matter-what?'. 

Today I am renewing my car registration before it expires; and today, I know that is one small piece of God's will for me.

It's alot more simple than I even thought it was.