These days - amongst the whirlwind of enormous change - I find myself living a life less than 24 hours at a time, I find myself living hour-to-hour, and sometimes (often times) second-to-second.
My brain is busy; my programming screams perfection; I am clinging to what was as I fall deeply to the prey of fear.
Fear of yesterday.
Fear of now.
Fear of tomorrow.
Fear of people, places, and infinite numbers of what-ifs.
What if I am losing my sanity? What if it never returns? What if I never eat another vegetable again, what if I live forever on salt + vinegar chips? What will become of me? Will the sickness ever pass? Will I feel motivated to coach, and create, and build a business again? Will I find my calling? What am I doing? Will San Diego fall into the sea? Am I destined to becom prey to another tragic ending - another story of a woman turned mermaid in the fall of Atlantis?
Some days I feel like I am drowning. Perfectionism runs my brain - it tells me to go, to plan, to accomplish; but the alien in my belly is forcing me to rest, to stare into space, to put all energies into not barfing all.day.long. I feel like I am falling apart, like I am failing, like I have become a professional Netflix watcher - which happens to be the last career I ever wanted.
The inner war; the headache; the constant fucking dialogue in my brain ... talking, and talking, and talking.
The self-care; it's not what it used to be - I am not who I was - it's all new, it's shedding, growing, burning, birthing, incubating.
I have completely lost control, and it feels exactly like it did in early sobriety - the very same. I have no fucking clue up from down; I am lost, I am freaked out, I don't know how to do this.
I have no idea what I am doing, or where I am going - and that's the truth.
But what I do know - the part that is different for me than in early sobriety - is this: today I have a god I do business with; today I know that it's ok to be filled to the brim with uncertainty; today I can sit through this discomfort and I can continue to do the right next indicated step. Today I do what I did in early sobriety - I hit my knees to the floor - every day - and I hand my will over.
I know that this is bigger than me, I know that I can not do this alone, but I do know that I have a program for living that works. I do know that the very same steps that got me sober and kept me sober, will be the same steps that will guide me through this wild and wacky time of life.
And the clouds will part,
and it will feel good again.
And until then - there is nothing wrong with feeling what I feel today, as long as I keep doing the work and taking the next best step.
only love, -k